Need to go off work with stress - but don’t want it marked as stress

[Marshallscrossing]

Im sure this will set people off but I want to know if there’s a way of “faking” something that a doctor will sign me off for that isn’t stress.

I work in the civil service and I know people that have been signed off with stress thatve had their cards marked forever and later managed out of the business - obviously not for the stress reason though.

Im really struggling with everything at home at the moment and work is the only thing I can see that can give right now.

My 4 year son recently got an echp agreed but they’ve refused to name a specialist setting - they’re saying a non verbal, not potty trained child can cope in mainstream. It’s ridiculous - all the professionals agree except the local authority. So we’re taking them to tribunal - hopefully should be fast tracked as he’s due to start school in September.

I have an older child who has coped with everything really well but is acting out at the moment as me and his dad have been so occupied with sorting our other child and the EHCP.

I have an unwell parent who I’ve had to run to the hospital a lot.

I work 4 days a week in a busy managerial role in the civil service and I just can’t cope. I’m behind on things and I’m sure I’m going to drop a massive ball soon and really bugger something up.

I can’t sleep for the worry of it all.

Please help. I know people will say I should be signed off with stress but I’ve seen what happens to people that have been.

also - I don’t know how it works. Will they ring me repeatedly trying to get me back into work asap? I think that will stress me out even more ☹️

I’m a GP.
On a few occasions I have put “viral illness” on sick notes for people who were stressed/depressed, and didn’t want their employer to know. However, I would only do this for a couple of weeks at the most. I would always advise people to be honest with their employer about sick leave, especially if it’s an ongoing situation and they’re going to be off sick for months.

Sometimes GPs write “reactive debility”, which, as it sounds, means you’re debilitated by a reaction to a bad situation. That’s the sort of thing I’ve written for people who are going through the death of a loved one, for example.

I shouldn’t be surprised at how nasty some people can be but somehow I still am.

I hope you feel good about yourself for this comment.

And I hope you don’t experience the worry of a child with a disability and a parent with cancer during your working life

I was signed off from my job in the CS for two weeks last year due to personal stress and they didn’t write it on my fit to work note.

I didn’t ask them to conceal that it was stress but they put that I was having difficulty concentrating and sleeping so required a period of rest. I work in a v high pressure environment so maybe the GP just assumed I didn’t want to disclose. I’m very lucky and work in a supportive team so chose to disclose that it was stress anyway.

At the end of the day, your health, happiness, and that of your family, is WAY more important than any job. Go off on stress, because it's true. And if you maybe get managed out further down the line, so fucking what?! It's JUST a job. There are plenty of others out there.

Remember, in virtually any job you are almost instantly replaceable.

In my final teaching role, I agonised for months about quitting and leaving them in the lurch. Yet when it came to it, my replacement was lined up in less than 48 hours.

Honestly OP as others have said, just tell the truth. I’m also CS and the only person who will ever know the reason you were off sick is your line manager/HR, so as long as you trust them then it will go no further than that. A main reason to just be honest is that your doctor will not lie on a sick note, so if you choose something else such as “bad back” and end up referred for tests etc then it’s a waste of time for the NHS searching for something that doesn’t exist. Just tell the truth and take the time you need.

I do agree with others though that while you are off you seriously need to figure out what your long term plan is going to be. A child of that age with an EHCP, this is only going to be the very start of the battles you are going to face throughout their school career, you need to as a family figure out how you are going to cope & manage that. You absolutely have my sympathy as it’s really not easy, I don’t know any parents in your position who both manage to maintain full time jobs because it really is a full time job all by itself.

How so? Thyroid function is checked with a blood test and a doctor wouldn't sign someone off if the results were normal....

So who was the stupid one? 🤔….. not your colleague eh?

occupational sick pay usually requires you to engage with the process then. The employer can’t exercise their duty of care if they don’t know what’s wrong and what might help you.

Many people will face this without the safety net of occupational sick pay for an extended period.

This, just tell Doctor you wish your health issues to be kept private & he will write something appropriate that will give you the time you need.

What is the matter with you. Why won’t you go away?

I DO have a safety net.

Dreadful for people that don’t but why are you saying I shouldn’t use mine if I’m lucky enough to have one.

Would you prefer I lose my job? And then claim unemployment benefits etc?

would that suit your narrative better because I was apparently stupid enough to buy a house when I didn’t know I’d have a child with a disability?

I think you should be honest, from my POV as a CS manager if you try and hide what's going on it means I can't support you properly.

Honestly it happens to lots of people at one time after another. I had to take a couple of weeks out last year. My manager was off for a month earlier this year because her home life was in turmoil and she just couldn't do both at once.

People in civil service who are managed out because they go off with stress are usually those who are using it to avoid the inevitable eg performance management. As a PP said upthread it's really hard to sack civil servants and most of us can't be bothered with the forms!

Goodness why are some people being so nasty!! Ignore them OP.

Thank you.

Im going to be honest.

I wouldn’t be able to keep up a lie anyway. Another stress I don’t need added to the plate!

You can't try fudge being sick to make it 'look better'. You have to choose:
Option 1 - get honestly signed off with family related stress. You may well get comments that isn't what sick leave is for etc.
Option 2 - take carers leave. It will be unpaid. Apply for whatever carers benefit you can get as a carer.

Its a moral decision, you could do either. Option 1 you get paid more, but you have the moral implications of whether that's what its for. You can choose to reason it yourself against length of service or whatever. Mumsnet can't really help you there, it's how you feel about it. How you would feel if a colleague did similar. You say you can't afford option 2 so have to do option 1 even though you don't agree with it morally. Fine, but then you have to live with whatever guilt/bad feelings that brings.

To be clear, I'm not being mean, same can apply to for example occupational maternity leave. Should workplaces fund people to be off because they decided to have a child or whatever. I took occupational maternity leave, some disagreed, I reasoned morally I was OK with it and naysayers could fuck off.

Thank you. Yes better to ignore.

I already feel bad enough about this and such a failure.

I used to be really good at my job and so well respected at work. Terrified I’m going to drop a huge clanger soon though

They won't fast track the tribunal. I know because I've been through the exact same situation. You could be looking at 2025 for a tribunal date. Can you be off until then?

I apologise. You are absolutely right. I just think it is so sad that the Op feels her source of income might be lost permanently if she tells the truth about needing time off.

Actually I’ve had a call about this today.

Weve been offered mediation in an attempt to avoid tribunal I think. The specialist teacher will be accompanying us

Speak with your GP in the first instance

Mediation is a stalling tactic. If you haven't even passed the mediation stage you're looking at at least 2025 for a tribunal date, and they won't fast track it.

If you need that time off right now absolutely take it, I'm just warning you this could be another year at least of fighting ahead of you.

We’ve taken legal advice and they’re legally obliged to get our date in before the start of school - I’ve had emails from the tribunal team confirming this.

Are you another one who’s trying to tell me it’ll get even harder. I’m well aware thank you.

I know it’ll be a fight forever.

I'm saying that short term if you need time off to deal with the stress then absolutely take this, but have in mind that this issue could very well be much not be short term.

I'm an advocate for SEN families on a voluntary basis and have never heard of tribunals legally needing to take place before Reception starts. I'm pretty sure that's not a thing.

I'm not sure about the UK but here in Ireland you don't need to write on your medical cert what is wrong. Not sure if this applies to longer leave. But I have gone to GP previously and they just wrote Medical Condition on my cert, although it would only have been for a few days. Your employer doesn't need to know why you're off sick.