Need to go off work with stress - but don’t want it marked as stress

[Marshallscrossing]

Im sure this will set people off but I want to know if there’s a way of “faking” something that a doctor will sign me off for that isn’t stress.

I work in the civil service and I know people that have been signed off with stress thatve had their cards marked forever and later managed out of the business - obviously not for the stress reason though.

Im really struggling with everything at home at the moment and work is the only thing I can see that can give right now.

My 4 year son recently got an echp agreed but they’ve refused to name a specialist setting - they’re saying a non verbal, not potty trained child can cope in mainstream. It’s ridiculous - all the professionals agree except the local authority. So we’re taking them to tribunal - hopefully should be fast tracked as he’s due to start school in September.

I have an older child who has coped with everything really well but is acting out at the moment as me and his dad have been so occupied with sorting our other child and the EHCP.

I have an unwell parent who I’ve had to run to the hospital a lot.

I work 4 days a week in a busy managerial role in the civil service and I just can’t cope. I’m behind on things and I’m sure I’m going to drop a massive ball soon and really bugger something up.

I can’t sleep for the worry of it all.

Please help. I know people will say I should be signed off with stress but I’ve seen what happens to people that have been.

also - I don’t know how it works. Will they ring me repeatedly trying to get me back into work asap? I think that will stress me out even more ☹️

I'm sorry you're struggling but as many have said you aren't actually sick and while stress can spiral into depression it doesn't sound like you need 6 months off at this stage.

I don't want to patronise you but firstly, no you of course can't just leave your job but ask if you can step down to a more junior position? Yes a pay cut but if the pressure and responsibility is adding to your stress try and address that. Take 6 months off and it'll all still be the same when you go back. Worse even as you'll be so out of the loop.

Life is a challenge, many if not most have elderly parents and demanding kids. I understand a dc with sen will of course be much harder but as I say take the pressure off work wise and instead of taking time off step down and have a less demanding role. Move? If a mortgage in the SE is causing massive pressure move somewhere cheaper or rent? No easy option but a 6 month sick note will not achieve anything long term.

So you want to lie to your employer (the government) so you can take time off work, because life is busy? At the tax payers expense? I think YABU. If life outside of work is making it difficult to manage 4 days a week in your current role, them km afraid you need to make some changes at home and/or cut down your hours or change your role.

LA isn’t civil service. The OP works in the civil
service.

I've edited my post! Thanks.

Hi OP, I'm sorry you are having a tough time of it but you will need to be honest. As a CS worker, its is pretty certain that your absence will trigger an occupational health referral who will contact you and try to help you back to work by treating you sickness, whether it be a referral to physio, counselling, meds, phased return. You can't be treated fora bogus sickness.
You can however be treated for anxiety / stress, so be honest, get the support and coping mechanisms you need in place and return to work.

@Marshallscrossing do you have enough annual leave left to take one day a week off until September? It might just give you a regular break to get you through (leaving care in place so you can switch off?) While I appreciate DH works long hours, if he is not picking up any of the admin around your child’s evaluation, no wonder you are feeling burned out trying to work and sort out life admin/kids etc. Is there no way he can take on any of it?

Non work related stress on the fit note
Be honest with your employer
Use the EAP scheme for short term therapy
Keep an open dialogue about your well being and need for adjustments
When we have a new government, seek help with the EHCP from your local MP

Good luck and make sure someone looks after you too.

The bottom line op is that the Contract of employment pays the employee money for services rendered. If you can't render the service despite reasonable operational adjustments or if they can't be made, dismissal is fair. In your case, the Employer will be cautious because there is case law in relation to disability discrimination by association.

This is such good advice.

I would add, don't rule out whatever counselling your GP can refer you to, even if it is only 8 weeks or so, a space to talk things through can be really useful.

And also, you can't take this all on on your own. Your DH doing pick up and drop off is a drop in the ocean. The mental toll of this sort of thing is immense, the thinking, the strategising, absorbing the hurts that come along the way. I see women do this all the time, it's not fair, it will make you ill and it will fuck your career.

Wow. No need to be this nasty.

Totally agree with this post, I'd just add this, if you keep going you will totally burn out and be no good for anyone! Take a break whilst all this is happening right now for your future health.

I can empathise with the fight for EHCP plans, and the run around us parents are given, treated at every turn like we have no clue what our child will and won't be able to cope with. The fight to get the right help is a full time job in itself, no empathetic human being would begrudge you some time to make sure your child is getting the education they deserve in the right setting.

It's important you spend time with your eldest too, they will feel resentment, they need reassurance they are just as important too, its such a hard balancing act. I'm through it a bit now, one of 26 with a lot of need (now in an independant living placement), one 22 who always felt second best and really hated her sibling, who looking back was also on the spectrum and really struggling (in completely different ways to her sibling) and a 13 year old diagnosed with autism and ARFID who now has me to himself as middle child moved out a couple of years ago. It's been a hard slog just managing them through all their individual stages. Starting school is a massive thing to any child but no one gets how massive it is with the extra need, especially when the school and education department are in denial and think they are meeting a childs needs and won't listen.
You need to breathe, and mentally prepare yourself for the appeal whilst also making sure there are plans in place for a gradual start at a new school, there should be lots more taster sessions than the other children have for your child to cope with the transition.

Are there other siblings to help with the parent needing taking to appointments etc? I bet it feels like it never rains but it pours for you, I won't suggest hospital cars etc as I don't think there is much hope of getting help at the moment, we've never managed to for our elderly parent, so I have no answers on that point.

Best of luck to you, sending hugs, heal yourself so you can carry on, this is temporary, things do get easier, eventually, and its ok to not be ok for a while xx

Call your employee assistance programme tomorrow, you'll be able to access in person counselling - usually 6 sessions.

I haven’t rtft

I have experience here and I can tell you that emotionally it gets harder. There’s a process you will go through mentally whilst adjusting and grieving for the struggles your son will face.

You would do well to seek a therapist (through work if poss) and talk through your situation.

It is very good advice to think and focus on the things you can change and not those you can’t ( speaking from experience!)

In your shoes I would simply get signed off for four weeks. Or use your A/L to take a day off each week for the next two months.

Take some fresh air even for 15 mins a day. It will help you mentally

GP will usually issue sick notes for 2 weeks and then review. Unless someone has a long term illness with a specific diagnosis definitely needing a long period off, 6 mo this won’t be initially given.

You don’t ask for a time of your choosing. The GP will offer you what they think is sensible with a point to review. If needed, they will extend it, often by a further 2 weeks. They will usually be led by you and what you seem to need.

This fear about stating stress and the realities of your situation - you need to be honest with the GP.

They often write something vague on note like ‘low mood’ or ask how you’d like it expressed. You can express concern about how it’s worded. But do t lie to the GP about how you feel.

You do t have to give lots of detail to the employer.

It helps to email in sick and say you are going to the GP. Go the GP. Then email work again to tell them the outcome and send the sick note. Tell work when your review period is.

You cannot expect a long term sick note. You need to engage with whatever GP suggests will help you. You need to tell work what that is and that you’re engaging with it. A sick note isn’t long term time off sick if you have zero interest in making steps towards getting better and returning (if that’s possible) and just want to stop work.

Well yes you could probably say you’ve got a bad back or depression or anxiety but not work related. But it doesn’t sound like it’s work related stress and we have plenty of people in our dept (civil service) go off with stress and still progress up the career ladder. My friend has been off with 5 months with stress going through the EHCP process. Her daughter is 6 soon, non verbal, not potty trained and they also said mainstream. I mean she’s in a mainstream and they are coping with her, but she’s in a room with 2 other SEN children so not really interacting with other children much, or integrating into the classroom. A special school would be better but she’s so worn out from the whole process and tribunal she can’t face it. I guess the school will see how they cope with her and recommend a change if necessary.

It’s such a stressful process and she had to go off sick as the school only took her for 1hr a day at first, that’s quite common so be careful using up all your sick if you’ve got no-one to help out if his school does the same. It took from September - February until she was in full days.

My doctor was lovely and understood the stigma. Signed me off with sciatica/bad back for 8 weeks. Said if he was approached by Occ.Health he would have to tell the truth about stress but would say that the bad back was the key feature of stress and it had affected my posture more than anything else. Half truth more than an actual lie.

Queen Elizabeth II Silver Jubilee School in Horsham has an amazing reputation, and is a state school for those with SEND, if that's not too far.

https://www.queenelizabeth2.w-sussex.sch.uk/website/

I could of literally written this

@Marshallscrossing
In my personal experience, I too work in the CS and have previously been signed off for different things and each time they have been really supportive.

From what you have said, it is a form of stress. You are spinning a lot of plates.

Take time off being signed off and during that time do whatever you need to make things better for you but there will come a point when they will encourage you back but there are options to help, phased returns etc.

Hope things get better soon xx

Also OP don’t forget about the employee assistance programme, they might be able to help. Speak to your LM and see if you can get some of your role reduced as, like I said in my other comment you might need sick pay later I’d like my friend they don’t agree with specialist provision and he needs to attend mainstream and you’ll be on an amended timetable for sometime. That’s the only reason my friend got through it as she went off sick. She’s a single parents with no family within 100 miles so incredibly tough for her. I attended the mediation with her and they were pretty brutal.

Hi op sorry about some of the shitty reply’s. Having a child who is ill or SEN is really stressful. I was of the understanding that the civil service are very flexible. Not the same at all but when my dd was very sick with an ED instead of going off sick I offered to work in am pick her up for lunch and work extra hours in eve to make time up. Could your work allow you to do flexi hours around your son’s appointments ect? And if he has to go to mainstream part time maybe they could come to some arrangement that allows you flexi hours, go whilst he’s in school and work in evenings for example. This way you aren’t taking any sick and you can work around your son and your husband can help out when home whilst you work. I’m not sure if this is something compatible with your work. It was a big help for me and reduced my stress of worrying about losing my job and or having to give up work to take care of her. I hope you get the right school for your child. I can only imagine the stress of all this. If you need some time off take it, you are only human. You haven’t taken time off by the sounds of it and aren’t a piss taker. I for one would not begrudge a colleague with genuine reasons taking some time out.

OP, please take sick leave. You’re having a tough time and I’m sure talking to your GP will help. Stress is real and makes you ill. Ignore the mean comments and I wish you all the best❤️. You have to take care of yourself to be fit enough to fight the battle you are facing for your child.

Why don't you reduce your hours? Either that or be honest. It's not the role of an employer to pay 6 months full- pay while you are signed off with a fake illness.

i work in civil service and got signed off for stress when my son had major heart surgery. It definitely has not been negative for me - my managers have been very understanding, liaising with HR for me. I said to them how long i was signed off for and they didn’t contact me until i was due back

Sounds really stressful. Good luck op, and I hope your sick parent is doing as well as they can do.

Sick leave isnt just to cover work issues that affect you, so if a doc agrees you cant function at work with so many complex challenges at home they will sign you off.

Ref what to put on the sick note, talk to the doc about your worries. They can come up with some wording that doesnt include stress or depression, but they do need to be honest. Couldn't you say you had a virus and now have zero energy for anything, youre constantly exhausted etc (ie it's chronic fatigue?)

I do think what you've said is worrying about management having an issue with people who have mental illhealth due to excessive stress though. That is discriminatory and ridiculous, we all suffer mental ill health at some time in our life.

Good luck with everything.