Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really dislike 16-year-old niece: don't want to have her to stay

755 replies

valsays · 12/06/2024 14:11

My sister was divorced several years ago and is sole parent to my niece who's almost 16. Her ex lives abroad and sees his DD rarely. I used to get on really well with DN and spent quite a lot of time with her until she reached the age of around 13, at which point she started to become obnoxious. I ignored the snide remarks and lack of consideration or gratitude for as long as I could, but last year things reached a head.

She and a friend of hers came to stay with me for 4 nights, as they have a couple of times a year for some years. I live in London and when she stays I do things with them that they wouldn't be able to do where they live. Last year we went down the Thames to Hampton Court on a boat, we shopped at Camden Market and Spitalfields and Hoxton, we went to Tate Modern and the Globe theatre, we saw a couple of shows and a couple of films. I pay for everything, obviously. DN's friend was lovely. DN was a complete nightmare. Didn't want to go out and do anything but was angling to go clubbing and angry with me for saying no. She was 14! Didn't want to go anywhere I suggested, couldn't suggest anything she'd like to do. One day we had a quiet day locally, because she was so adamant about not going out, and she complained we didn't do anything. I tried talking to her to find out what was going on, but she told me to eff off and then had a furious rant at me. She was really trying to be hurtful. I soaked it up and tried to comfort her friend, who found the situation difficult, but it really spoiled the last couple of days of their visit and she had another major outburst in the car when I took them home.

Last Christmas I bought her something that I'm sure she'd said she wanted. Something that cost £300. I was there when she opened it, with my DM and DS and other family members around. DN opened her present, pulled a face and then threw it at me and said 'You're as shit at buying presents as everything else' and walked out and slammed the door on us. My DM was shocked. My DS went after DN and told her off and there was a big row that ruined the day. DN hasn't spoken to me or contacted me since then. I've messaged her occasionally and she's just ignored me.

My DS knows what DN is like, but is still anticipating that this August I'll have her and the friend to stay as usual. As the time approaches I feel less and less like doing it. Their visits cost me over £1k, which I don't begrudge. But I'm not going to spend that sort of money and also soak up the abuse.

I've contacted my DS to say I'm not sure I want to continue the tradition. My DS says she has to face this kind of behaviour every day and it's just part of dealing with teens. She's actually accused me of being unreasonable for not carrying on as usual. AIBU?

OP posts:
Wishihadanalgorithm · 15/06/2024 17:40

So OP, what do you think you’re going to do now you have had all of MN advice?

I wonder if you’ve been given different options you would not even have thought of?

Liliee · 15/06/2024 18:38

Wishihadanalgorithm · 15/06/2024 17:40

So OP, what do you think you’re going to do now you have had all of MN advice?

I wonder if you’ve been given different options you would not even have thought of?

OP appeared to come to her decision, and leave the thread, on Thursday.

Itsjustmyusername · 15/06/2024 18:43

That is not normal behaviour for teenagers. I have teenagers and none of them behave like that. They wouldn’t dream of telling me to eff off and I consider them to be pretty standard teenagers.

SusieLawson · 15/06/2024 18:53

You could come to a compromise, and say you will have the neice if she apologisus for her previous behaviour, as even Jesus forgave those who truly repented.

thevoiceofreasoning · 15/06/2024 18:54

100% not unreasonable! She sounds vile and entitled and NO WAY would I host her or buy her a gift ever again! At least not unless she explained her behaviour and profusely apologised! Your sister is actually supporting her daughter's behaviour by still expecting you to host her! If I was her mother I would be telling her there is no way she should expect you to host nice holidays for her ever again. Actions have consequences and hurtful behaviour should not be rewarded! Stand firm OP and don't ever be made to feel you are in the wrong for not wanting to lavish money and time on someone who treats you badly ...

Abab11 · 15/06/2024 18:57

No way are you being unreasonable! If your sister has to put up with that behaviour every day then that’s her choice, it is her daughter after all! Absolutely no way would I be taking her unless she was able to sit down and have a chat, apologise for previous behaviour and mutually agree expectations, otherwise - not a chance!!

hairyspiderleg · 15/06/2024 19:04

Oh I do think your dn is thinking of you as a safe person to let out her feelings to. But I'd suggest that having some one else there ( the friend) is making the situation harder. Maybe agree to have her stay, but only her and for less time. I'd also get her to agree on outings before she comes,,leaving time for just quiet and the option for her to talk to you one on one.

User284732 · 15/06/2024 19:20

Just because it isn't normal teen bratty behaviour, it doesn't mean that your sister is a bad parent. I absolutely hate that assumption, that all of a child's behaviour is a parents fault, usually this accusation is reserved just for single mothers. I work with children (younger than your DN) with behavioural issues, and I never blame the parents even if they do have inappropriate reactions sometimes. There are many more perfectly behaved young people with consistently shitty parents.

But whilst I don't believe your sister is to blame, I do think her behaviour is so far from the norm, you shouldn't be expected to host without some sort of genuine apology and attempt from DN to repair the damage she has done. Does your DS know the extent of her behaviour last year? Does she know she has been ignoring your communication?

What about hosting your DS for a week instead? Could your DN stay with your mum, and your DS still have a break from DN? If she needs to stay at home for work, maybe you could treat her to a hotel for a week, with the money you'd usually spend on DN. Or another option is suggest a holiday for the 3 of you, say you don't want to be responsible for DN but do want to treat your DS.

LubyLooTwo · 15/06/2024 19:49

Don't even consider having her again and tell your DS why. Shei is not worth bothering with.

Pippetypoppity · 15/06/2024 20:00

DN is behaving unacceptably but if you think the relationship is salvageable offer her a day on appro perhaps. If that goes well she can stay another and so on.

TealQueen · 15/06/2024 20:09

It's a big no from me to hosting DN again. If you did agree your DN is likely to repeat her bad behaviors or worse as there have been no consequences so far.

And no more expensive presents either. £10 or £20 in a card is more than enough to make your point about how hngrateful she is, and then she can't accuse you of terrible choices.

In the meantime I would be tempted to spend your saved 1k on exciting days out for you and your friends in the summer months and maybe post them on social media so DN thinks about what she is missing out on.

IamMoodyBlue · 15/06/2024 20:17

There is no excuse for DN"s appalling behaviour & attitude. None. Not age not domestic circumstances none.
I"d simply say, with perfect accuracy, that DN hated it last time. It was a very unpleasant experience gor both of us and I'm not doing it this year. No ifs, no buts. It didn"t work.

Sunmoonstars9 · 15/06/2024 20:21

IamMoodyBlue · 15/06/2024 20:17

There is no excuse for DN"s appalling behaviour & attitude. None. Not age not domestic circumstances none.
I"d simply say, with perfect accuracy, that DN hated it last time. It was a very unpleasant experience gor both of us and I'm not doing it this year. No ifs, no buts. It didn"t work.

Have a heart

Sunmoonstars9 · 15/06/2024 20:23

Sunmoonstars9 · 15/06/2024 20:21

Have a heart

Show quote history

The girl has been abandoned by the very adult she needs

Sillyname63 · 15/06/2024 20:32

valsays · 12/06/2024 14:11

My sister was divorced several years ago and is sole parent to my niece who's almost 16. Her ex lives abroad and sees his DD rarely. I used to get on really well with DN and spent quite a lot of time with her until she reached the age of around 13, at which point she started to become obnoxious. I ignored the snide remarks and lack of consideration or gratitude for as long as I could, but last year things reached a head.

She and a friend of hers came to stay with me for 4 nights, as they have a couple of times a year for some years. I live in London and when she stays I do things with them that they wouldn't be able to do where they live. Last year we went down the Thames to Hampton Court on a boat, we shopped at Camden Market and Spitalfields and Hoxton, we went to Tate Modern and the Globe theatre, we saw a couple of shows and a couple of films. I pay for everything, obviously. DN's friend was lovely. DN was a complete nightmare. Didn't want to go out and do anything but was angling to go clubbing and angry with me for saying no. She was 14! Didn't want to go anywhere I suggested, couldn't suggest anything she'd like to do. One day we had a quiet day locally, because she was so adamant about not going out, and she complained we didn't do anything. I tried talking to her to find out what was going on, but she told me to eff off and then had a furious rant at me. She was really trying to be hurtful. I soaked it up and tried to comfort her friend, who found the situation difficult, but it really spoiled the last couple of days of their visit and she had another major outburst in the car when I took them home.

Last Christmas I bought her something that I'm sure she'd said she wanted. Something that cost £300. I was there when she opened it, with my DM and DS and other family members around. DN opened her present, pulled a face and then threw it at me and said 'You're as shit at buying presents as everything else' and walked out and slammed the door on us. My DM was shocked. My DS went after DN and told her off and there was a big row that ruined the day. DN hasn't spoken to me or contacted me since then. I've messaged her occasionally and she's just ignored me.

My DS knows what DN is like, but is still anticipating that this August I'll have her and the friend to stay as usual. As the time approaches I feel less and less like doing it. Their visits cost me over £1k, which I don't begrudge. But I'm not going to spend that sort of money and also soak up the abuse.

I've contacted my DS to say I'm not sure I want to continue the tradition. My DS says she has to face this kind of behaviour every day and it's just part of dealing with teens. She's actually accused me of being unreasonable for not carrying on as usual. AIBU?

I hope by quoting you, you will see this.
I read your OP a few days ago that evening I read something in a book which I think summed up your nieces behaviour.
" I wonder if you are lost, that is when we start misbehaving, isn't it?
When we become a warped version of ourselves to hide the pain or the disappointments"
I think this is what your niece is doing, she is saying my dad hated me so I must be in-loveable, so I will push everyone away then I can't get hurt again.
Have your niece to stay, by herself this year , try and get her to open up this year about her feelings. Don't over organise things to do, take it day by day. But make it clear you are there for her unconditionally.

Liliee · 15/06/2024 21:40

You could just tag the OP, @Sillyname63.

PollyPage21 · 15/06/2024 22:11

DN isn't your teen you don't have to put up with rude and abusive behaviour and I think its a bit much your DS think you should just put up with it.......her daughter her problem

annabofana · 16/06/2024 05:03

@valsays

"My plan is at the weekend to write a formal invitation for DN to join me on a trip to Edinburgh, with an RSVP card"

I absolutely love this idea. I would have loved an auntie like you when I was young (I still would!)

The formal invitation to Edinburgh sounds like something out of Jane Austen, I just love it Smile

Staying with your friend sounds like a very good idea. Firstly, I think you are probably right and that she will modify her behaviour in front of him. Secondly, as a social worker, he sounds like he is well placed to understand the situation.

You sound like a very kind and intelligent woman. Your niece is very lucky to have an auntie like you.

Best of luck to your poor sister, and I think the break will do her the world of good.

Marmalade43 · 16/06/2024 07:52

Invite her friend to stay. Not the niece.

MrsCatE · 16/06/2024 09:07

Obviously, OP has left the thread because she's buckled and will bend over backwards to accommodate DN and continue to enable her behaviour. The divorce was years ago and I'm sure an absent father is (unfortunately) hardly uncommon in her circles. I hope OP takes herself off for a break - I previously suggested with DS and DM but they would probably get so wound up worrying about how kid was doing.

Suleika · 16/06/2024 09:44

Teens (and indeed children generally) need to learn that their behaviour has consequences. Why not say to her that her behaviour last year was rude, inappropriate and inconsiderate to you (and also her friend). You would love to have her and her friend to stay again, but only if she is prepared to be polite and considerate - and not until then. Better still, put this in writing to her so that you can be sure to phrase things exactly as you want. What message would you be sending her if you invite her to stay as usual so that she can abuse you again? That it's ok to treat people like that and this is all you deserve? Perhaps your sister fails to let her daughter experience the consequences of her behaviour - but that is not your problem.

newtoallthisshizzle · 16/06/2024 10:33

I used to do the same things with my nieces when they came to London to visit. Last time one of them brought her boyfriend with her and I think expected me to just F off somewhere so they could just have uninterrupted sex in my house for 5 days. When she discovered that wasn’t happening, all hell broke loose. Between us, her bf managed to keep her out of the house for most of the days and I went in to the office but they would rock back up at 3am, waking me. It’s taken a long time for me to even speak to her, such was my level of anger and resentment. I’m still very cautious around her, and courteous but it’s gonna take a lot lot longer and at least until she’s in her 20s, before I offer any help, advice or lodging.

Somethingdodgywonders · 16/06/2024 10:36

valsays · 12/06/2024 14:11

My sister was divorced several years ago and is sole parent to my niece who's almost 16. Her ex lives abroad and sees his DD rarely. I used to get on really well with DN and spent quite a lot of time with her until she reached the age of around 13, at which point she started to become obnoxious. I ignored the snide remarks and lack of consideration or gratitude for as long as I could, but last year things reached a head.

She and a friend of hers came to stay with me for 4 nights, as they have a couple of times a year for some years. I live in London and when she stays I do things with them that they wouldn't be able to do where they live. Last year we went down the Thames to Hampton Court on a boat, we shopped at Camden Market and Spitalfields and Hoxton, we went to Tate Modern and the Globe theatre, we saw a couple of shows and a couple of films. I pay for everything, obviously. DN's friend was lovely. DN was a complete nightmare. Didn't want to go out and do anything but was angling to go clubbing and angry with me for saying no. She was 14! Didn't want to go anywhere I suggested, couldn't suggest anything she'd like to do. One day we had a quiet day locally, because she was so adamant about not going out, and she complained we didn't do anything. I tried talking to her to find out what was going on, but she told me to eff off and then had a furious rant at me. She was really trying to be hurtful. I soaked it up and tried to comfort her friend, who found the situation difficult, but it really spoiled the last couple of days of their visit and she had another major outburst in the car when I took them home.

Last Christmas I bought her something that I'm sure she'd said she wanted. Something that cost £300. I was there when she opened it, with my DM and DS and other family members around. DN opened her present, pulled a face and then threw it at me and said 'You're as shit at buying presents as everything else' and walked out and slammed the door on us. My DM was shocked. My DS went after DN and told her off and there was a big row that ruined the day. DN hasn't spoken to me or contacted me since then. I've messaged her occasionally and she's just ignored me.

My DS knows what DN is like, but is still anticipating that this August I'll have her and the friend to stay as usual. As the time approaches I feel less and less like doing it. Their visits cost me over £1k, which I don't begrudge. But I'm not going to spend that sort of money and also soak up the abuse.

I've contacted my DS to say I'm not sure I want to continue the tradition. My DS says she has to face this kind of behaviour every day and it's just part of dealing with teens. She's actually accused me of being unreasonable for not carrying on as usual. AIBU?

Hi,
Sorry for the slight insult, and I bet you’ve already heard a lot here. But, are you a mug ?
your DN is taking the piss, even more is your sister assuming that you have some sort of responsibility for her daughter.

Please tell me that you decided to tell them both to fxxxoff and you won’t follow any stupid “tradition” because her daughter is arrogant and egocentric.

Simply ! Don’t do it.
what’s wrong with people saying NO ??

honestly !

Topsyturveymam · 16/06/2024 10:37

I think your niece may be going through some tough times emotionally and is taking this out on you and the world in general. It can’t be easy to be treated as an afterthought by your own father for example.
All that being said, she needs to understand that her behaviour is not acceptable …and that line drawn in the sand. Stand your ground on this, you’re not doing your DN any favours by accepting her poor behaviour. She needs to learn actions have consequences.

MauveKoala · 16/06/2024 11:31

I agree it should be no this August. But no doesn’t have to be never. With luck and time she’ll grow up and change and you may find you’ll want to reinstate her annual visits to you and you’ll be able to form an adult to adult relationship as opposed to adult child which is the current situation. You sound like a lovely aunt and I really hope that this works out in the long run.

Swipe left for the next trending thread