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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to cancel holiday?

161 replies

Booklover20 · 12/06/2024 09:51

Me and my partner were invited to a ‘friends’ wedding abroad last year.
The invite seemed like a second thought as the bride was struggling for guests and also bridesmaids. I used to work with the bride 4 years ago and kept in contact and meet up for a coffee every now and then, we aren’t close.
i accepted the invite and agreed to being a bridesmaid but it’s caused me nothing but stress, the MOH is horrid and I have had nasty messages from both MOH and MOB,
they are dictating things even down to the colour of my toe nails.
the holiday has cost me and my partner £2.6K which is a lot of money as we’re currently saving for a house.
the hens do was this weekend which I cancelled on and was laid to send £50 for a contribution to food even though I wasn’t going (I still paid for my place etc which I didn’t mind doing) I had to cancel as the stress and awful messages caused me to end up in hospital with the stress of everything giving me blood clots and severe migraines.
i am considering cancelling the holiday as the messages I have received this morning about nail colour have tipped me over the edge, I know I will lose a friendship over this although I don’t really care and wouldn’t miss this friendship either.
i can get £2.2k back and put it in my house deposit pot.
so AIBU to cancel my holiday and not be a bridesmaid in a friends wedding.
ps the wedding is in September

OP posts:
Worthalltheyears · 12/06/2024 09:53

I would. It sounds awful and not likely to get any better.

loropianalover · 12/06/2024 09:54

Tell bride you are sick in hospital and are quite unwell, and that you wanted to let her know as soon as possible that you won’t be in a position to travel come September. You really apologise for pulling out of the wedding and hope she has a beautiful day. Then leave all of the bridesmaid group chats, mute and archive all of their contacts.

Hecatoncheires · 12/06/2024 09:54

YANBU to cancel. Sounds bluddy awful and I can't see it being any better at the actual event.

Ragwort · 12/06/2024 09:55

Cancel ... if the stress before the wedding is enough to put you in hospital I hate to think what could happen during the wedding. Send a polite letter, message (whatever is your normal style of communication) explaining that due to serious health issues and recent treatment in hospital you are no longer able to attend the wedding.

Hecatoncheires · 12/06/2024 09:55

loropianalover · 12/06/2024 09:54

Tell bride you are sick in hospital and are quite unwell, and that you wanted to let her know as soon as possible that you won’t be in a position to travel come September. You really apologise for pulling out of the wedding and hope she has a beautiful day. Then leave all of the bridesmaid group chats, mute and archive all of their contacts.

OP, this is very good advice.

Original poster
Booklover20 · 12/06/2024 09:57

loropianalover · 12/06/2024 09:54

Tell bride you are sick in hospital and are quite unwell, and that you wanted to let her know as soon as possible that you won’t be in a position to travel come September. You really apologise for pulling out of the wedding and hope she has a beautiful day. Then leave all of the bridesmaid group chats, mute and archive all of their contacts.

Thank you for this. I think I need to just send a message and 'rip the plaster off'
I know I will feel so relieved once I've actually said I'm not coming.

OP posts:
cheddercherry · 12/06/2024 10:36

Send the message asap and feel the relief wash over you. Your health is really more important and these aren’t people you’ll miss. I would want to send a parting shot of “good luck, with MOB AND MOH you’ll need it” as I feel people need to be accountable for their awful behaviour and the consequences but probably not the best way to deal (although would feel good calling it out). A simple, “so sorry, I’m too unwell to be a part of your day, hope you have a lovely wedding…” would do it and close the chapter graciously. Then mute/block/delete and live your life in peace from their madness.

Original poster
Booklover20 · 12/06/2024 10:50

cheddercherry · 12/06/2024 10:36

Send the message asap and feel the relief wash over you. Your health is really more important and these aren’t people you’ll miss. I would want to send a parting shot of “good luck, with MOB AND MOH you’ll need it” as I feel people need to be accountable for their awful behaviour and the consequences but probably not the best way to deal (although would feel good calling it out). A simple, “so sorry, I’m too unwell to be a part of your day, hope you have a lovely wedding…” would do it and close the chapter graciously. Then mute/block/delete and live your life in peace from their madness.

I just canceled the holiday and also messaged the bride.
I feel so much better and know this will help relive my stress and help with my physical recovery the stress has caused !x

OP posts:
cheddercherry · 12/06/2024 11:08

Well done you! Just think of the positive things that money will bring you now for your new place and a happier future than worrying the whole of the summer leading up to a wedding that tbh sounds like it will be full of drama! Wish you well for your recovery!

AlanBrendaCelia · 12/06/2024 11:20

Well done, it’ll be a weight of your mind and I’m sure that in turn will help your health.

what were this morning’s messages that tipped you over the edge?

DanceTheDevilBackIntoHisHole · 12/06/2024 11:28

Well done. Now you can put your energy into you - getting better, feeling healthier and saving for your future with your own partner. What a relief.

JurassicFantastic · 12/06/2024 11:32

It might be worth asking your doctors if they would provide a medical letter. You might be able to claim on your insurance for the cost of the holiday

Starmonkeys · 12/06/2024 11:41

No OP you are not unreasonable I’d do the sane

This is also a lesson not to spend over 2 grand on someone’s wedding that you’re not close with and that you knew was most likely an after thought

loropianalover · 12/06/2024 11:44

Just coming back to say well done for cancelling and sending the message! Always best to bite the bullet and get it over with ASAP.

It’s also understandable that bride is going to be upset and/or angry, but just let it roll off your back. A few choice words from her will be worth not having to go & I bet you’ll start to feel better soon!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 12/06/2024 11:45

Well done OP

GOTBrienne · 12/06/2024 11:50

Well done. Unbelievable how some brides think they own BM especially when you are paying out so much money to go.

Yes put it to your house deposit but use a little for a weekend away as a treat, sound like you need a nice break.

Beautifulbythebay · 12/06/2024 11:51

I would forward the messages to the bride to be. Bet she has no idea her wedding party are zillas......

EscapeTheCastle · 12/06/2024 11:53

Blood clots probably mean no flying for a bit. So remind them of that if they kick off at you.

Original poster
Booklover20 · 12/06/2024 12:02

JurassicFantastic · 12/06/2024 11:32

It might be worth asking your doctors if they would provide a medical letter. You might be able to claim on your insurance for the cost of the holiday

Because I had cancelled early enough I only lost £200 for the deposit! That money is worth losing for all the stress that it has relived!x

OP posts:
Original poster
Booklover20 · 12/06/2024 12:03

Starmonkeys · 12/06/2024 11:41

No OP you are not unreasonable I’d do the sane

This is also a lesson not to spend over 2 grand on someone’s wedding that you’re not close with and that you knew was most likely an after thought

I definitely agree! I need to stop being a people pleaser and stand up for myself, I have now learnt I can say no and do what benefits me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Booklover20 · 12/06/2024 12:05

AlanBrendaCelia · 12/06/2024 11:20

Well done, it’ll be a weight of your mind and I’m sure that in turn will help your health.

what were this morning’s messages that tipped you over the edge?

They were silly messages that tipped me over, comments about what I was allowed to wear on the holiday such as no revealing bikinis, no bright nails, no going out without consulting the group.
The holiday was from Sunday-sunday and the wedding was the Friday. But I was having my whole week dictated by this group of women.
They wanted a further £1000 to book things such as spa days, hair and makeup etc all which I simply cannot afford! The stress isn't worth a week in the sun

OP posts:
Porageeater · 12/06/2024 12:07

That’s mad OP. Well done. You’re well off out of it.

Original poster
Booklover20 · 12/06/2024 12:08

loropianalover · 12/06/2024 11:44

Just coming back to say well done for cancelling and sending the message! Always best to bite the bullet and get it over with ASAP.

It’s also understandable that bride is going to be upset and/or angry, but just let it roll off your back. A few choice words from her will be worth not having to go & I bet you’ll start to feel better soon!

I completely understand if she upset/ angry.
I am currently waiting for a message back from her and am feeling very anxious awaiting the message.
I am usually very shy and won't rock the boat but know I have done the right thing. Hopefully it will all blow over and I will be left alone x

OP posts:
montelbano · 12/06/2024 12:15

Booklover20 · 12/06/2024 12:08

I completely understand if she upset/ angry.
I am currently waiting for a message back from her and am feeling very anxious awaiting the message.
I am usually very shy and won't rock the boat but know I have done the right thing. Hopefully it will all blow over and I will be left alone x

Show quote history

Try not to feel anxious. You have cancelled for very valid reasons and with months of notice. The whole set-up was ridiculous, very controlling, and very expensive. It may well be that other bridesmaids decide to drop out as well especially after you have had the courage to do so.

Naunet · 12/06/2024 12:16

Wow, absolute bunch of piss takers thinking they get to dictate what you do for the whole week! Unbelievable how entitled and lacking in self awareness some people are. Well done for pulling out.

Don’t fret about her reply, she should learn how to treat people if she doesn’t want situations like this to happen.