To think it is not normal to be at a bar at 1.30am with work

[Peonii]

Just need to be told I'm being insane.

DH in Germany having meetings. It's an early start tomorrow. He messaged at 10pm saying they're in the bar and will call when he's back in his room in an hour... He still hasn't called.

AIBU to think one wouldn't be out until 1.30am at a bar if you have an early start the next day?

Agree with this. If he said he would call of course it's reasonable to expect a call. And if their dynamics are to speak each night when away from each other, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and it is upsetting if one unilaterally decides to not do what they have always done.
We travel alone separately and would always chat once a day. It's not wanting to know every movement of our partners or checking up on anything. It's just to have a chat.
If he said he would call then he should have called.

Last time I was in Germany with colleagues (last month), got dragged out to a dive bar until 2 am and there was no escaping, the bosses were there too. Had to be up early for the flight back, so just accepted a couple of beers, hid the shots, we are adults, we can behave. I did text my husband but mostly to say how peculiar I found the “mandatory fun”.

DH once got back from a work evening with a client at 5am!

It only happened that one time (mad Russian client) but it can happen and everyone is fine.

It’s probably a company specific thing, but I’m on my first work trip and learning that this is super common. More ‘networking’ seems to get done over dinner/drinks than in the office, and there are constant stories of people getting SMASHED and it being a bit of a bonding experience. Not sure how I feel about it tbh!

A PP asked if I might be feeling like this because I resent DH for having a good time. No, that's not it... I think I have become quite needy or clingy perhaps. I can definitely see from everyone's responses that I am the problem.

I am having therapy for a traumatic birth but that's is addressing some PTSD I think rather than how I am feeling now if that makes sense.

Right now I look like a creature from the swamp who just completely failed breakfast time and there's food thrown on the wall of the kitchen. I feel like having a baby is like someone smashes your back in with a cricket bat, destroys your mental health, hands you a newborn baby and all of society tells you how you do it wrong and need to do it their way, while you MUST be positive and bouncy for your baby.

And to respond to the whole "cool wives" thing. I wish I was a "cool wife". But sadly, I do feel like a quick good morning message would have been nice from DH. I'll probably get told off for it, but that's just how I feel. I have been on work trips before and I agree it wouldn't be professional to keep whipping a phone out with clients. But just a trip to the loo or in the morning after getting dressed, I might message my DH to say hi. And it is probably the clinginess in me but that is who I am. I appreciate all your replies though.

Had plenty of work nights out that have still been going at 1/2am

'that is who I am' is not good enough. Clinginess is not attractive. Good for you getting some MH help - but you need to work on that with your therapist.

You can be assured I hate my clinginess and I know it's gross. I was just explaining that is what I am like right now. My physical appearance is probably even more unattractive than than the clinginess if you can believe that 😂

Of course it's perfectly OK to feel that a good morning message would have been nice. Especially if you are feeling vulnerable.
The problem arises when there is an unwritten rule that you have certain number of contacts a day. When it doesn't happen the way you envisioned, you start panicking and feeling excluded. Whereas if you have a more relaxed arrangement, each of you can get in touch whenever you feel like it. Would he reply if YOU sent him a good morning text?
You sound pretty isolated and overwhelmed and I think you need to find a way to occupy your time. It's not doing anyone any good to be awake at 2am waiting for a text. Go for a walk, call a friend, take up a hobby... you need to start living for yourself a little.

I did sent a good morning message and asked if he slept well.
I am having to also look after my unwell dad these two weeks so no option to go out really right now. But I am trying to find someone to help with DC so I can get some time to myself.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
But if you are not happy about it there are things you can do about it. Make a concerted effort to choose your clothes, treat yourself to a hair cut or new take up if you wear it. Make sure you look smart for work (even if you are WFH).

There's all these things I would love to do. I haven't had a haircut since before DC was born - it feels impossible to get a few hours to myself because there is just nobody else to look after DC.

I do feel like a quick good morning message would have been nice from DH.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with feeling that way, but you need to talk to him about it, not have silent expectations and then get upset when they're not met.

From reading your posts, this all sounds like self-esteem issue rather than a DH issue. The language you use to talk about yourself is horrible

If it's a work trip, he could easily be networking until the small hours. In my experience, work trips are probably more about the socialising than the actual work!

You deserve to be treated with respect. You definitely deserved a call last night AND a message this morning, I would expect one!

I think you should dismiss those insisting you should just put up with it, I wouldn’t.

I would be really unimpressed and dh would know I wouldn’t put up with it. So I wonder why you needed us to say it’s not on, ofc it isn’t.
please take steps to increase your self esteem and confidence, it sounds like it is rock bottom and is impacting you badly.

The last work event I went to I rolled jnto my hotel room at 3.30am, having sunk cocktails and had a lovely night of dancing and talking with my colleagues. Our meeting started at 9am, we just delayed it an hour.

networking is one of the best things about travelling for work meetings. I rarely see my colleagues in person so we enjoy it when we do.

Would you not send him a text today good morning?

Nope. I would expect him to make enquiries as to the health and well being of his own baby this morning, and apologise. If he had said he would call, he should call. It is called being an adult, being an honourable and reliable human.

You can take your child to the hairdresser with you. We had people coming in with newborns all the time and I spent quite a few happy moments entertaining clients' toddlers when I worked in a hair salon in my 20s.

A bit of a side note, but you can take babies into hairdressers. My first would just babble and smile at the people there, or stay napping in his pram. Wasn't so lucky with my 2nd, but he would sit and watch cartoons on my phone whilst I had a wash and trim.

Once when getting my eyebrows done, I forgot to take the pram 😶Was a bit worried wouldn't be able to get them done, but the beautician just said to hold him clamped on my tummy, and that lots of women did that anyway, because the babies would get sad and lonely in their prams.

Just food for thought.

I too have had many at (very late!!) night out too, under the guise of "networking"!! 😂

@Meetingofminds righto!

I would t expect by fully functioning DH to not be able to change his bedtime, because I wanted a good night, we re all different, but at least the majority of posters agree that op is BU.

Apart from the batshit @Jane2025, whose posts have all been deleted.

He might be glad he isn't at home and be enjoying the break. Leave him to it, it doesn't mean he wants to cheat or leave. I think most of us appreciate a break from our partners now and again. I enjoy a break from my DH and once that break is done I'm excited to see him and we enjoy each others company more.

I’m in the hospitality sector - this is very normal for us.

Oh FFS 🙄Who the hell plays these types of games in serious relationships / marriages?! And apologise for what?! Socialising with his work colleagues?!