Or am I too controlling?

[Daisysandwine]

So basically I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m separated and in a relationship with a lovely man for almost 2 years now. The problem is he likes a drink! I drink and I love to have a glass or two 😜 of wine a few time a week, nothing excessive and usually when my kids aren’t here -the youngest is 12. However my partner like to drink some beers when he comes in from work most days and will happily drink until he is going to bed. He isn’t an angry or troublesome drunk, quite the opposite to be honest but my 12 year old has commented on his drinking a couple of times for example is so and so drunk and does he drink a lot? Now bear in mind my 12 year old is a very sensitive little soul and the apple of my eye so he likes to “protect me” and worries a lot which I’ve told him on numerous occasions not to do so maybe he is more aware whereas the older kids hardly notice I’m in the house! Anyway I’ve brought this subject up with my partner more than once and he promises he won’t drink straight after work when they’re around anymore but he constantly breaks this promise! There is always an excuse like a match on tv or a lovely day to sit outside with a few beers and we fight over literally nothing else only this! Today I’ve just had enough. He asked me if he could get a few beers for the match tonight and I said I don’t care but just don’t drink as soon as you get home from work because I’m paranoid of my youngest noticing it and of course it turned into a huge argument again and now he’s in bed since he came home from work. He thinks I’m being controlling and unreasonable allowing a 12 year old to dictate when we can drink. He is a great partner and I’ve had a lovely life with him compared to what I had with my ex and literally he has no other faults other than this! I don’t know what to do. Am I being controlling or am I being right and not accepting regular drinking from early eve til bed time in front of my kids? I think I’m right and I’ve told him if he doesn’t that’s his problem. He knows he can leave I won’t stop him but at same time I would miss him terribly. I’m 44 and too old for this crap now! Thanks for reading

How many beers we talking over the course of an evening? Two/three or eight/ten?

Eight or ten most of the time unless he’s really tired

Is that every night?!

It does sound like he’s a functioning alcoholic to be honest. Most people don’t need a drink literally as soon as they get in from work…I don’t think anyway?

8-10 every day? In front of your children? That aside, that isn't what I'd want in my life.

Well, he wants to drink.And you don't want him to around your ds. So I think that's relationship over.

Why are you with a pisshead?

If someone is drinking to the point of a child repeatedly asking about it, it’s too much.

i was around drunk parents and adults as a child and it’s awful, really unnerving.

Yeah if he's going to get arsey because he can't have a beer as soon as he gets in then definitely a functioning alcoholic. If your 12yo has picked up on it then it's obvious he's worried about it. Tell your DP to do one. Your child comes before his want of beer every time

That's excessive drinking, and a (big) red flag is that he'll say he won't but does anyway. At best shows he doesn't care about breaking his word, and at worst it's because he can't not drink, I.e., he's an alcoholic.

Sorry @Daisysandwine but for the sake of your kids, I think it's ultimatum time for him - cut the drink, or leave.

A bottle of beer has approx 1.5 units in. So 8-10 a night is 12-15 units a night. Multiply by 7 = 84 to 105 units a week. The healthy limit is 21. I think this combined with the fact he doesn't want to have nights off drinking does suggest he's an alcoholic I'm afraid. He's a terrible role model to your son at a very vulnerable, pivotal age.

8-10 a night?

I take it you live together? Does he drive?

He has no other faults than being alcohol dependent to a point your child notices?

I have thought maybe he is an alcoholic but he doesn’t need a drink when he gets up in the mornings and at weekends he doesn’t drink any earlier so I’ve been thinking maybe it’s just a habit and he is also a very independent person so the fighting over it from his side could be that he doesn’t like to be “told what to do” I don’t know what to think to be honest. We have the best times together other than this

He's an alcoholic who drinks far too much and your very sensible child has noticed that there's a problem.

He will always have a reason for drinking, and it will always come first, before you, before anyone, and he will not stop. Get rid. Sorry.

He can drive but doesn’t drive to work

His drinking is out of control. Your son knows it,you know it and judging by his defensive attitude, he knows it too. He just doesn’t want to do anything about it

Im sorry OP, this is only going to go one way. Best cut your losses

You haven't had "a lovely life" with him, you've only been together 2 years.

As others have said, he's an alcoholic, albeit a functioning one. The amount of units he's packing away will eventually affect his health - possibly cirrhosis- and you'll end up being his carer. I personally believe it's a terrible example to be setting to an impressionable youngster. No matter what his good points, I'd put my child first and get rid.

You are being controlling though, as you’re trying to control him. He’ll be called all sorts of names on here, but the fact is he wants to drink a lot most nights, and you can’t stop him. You need to make a decision here whether it’s a dealbreaker or not

So when does he drive?

At weekends mainly

And there’s a fairly good chance he is over the limit?

Jesus Christ, what? He’s an alcoholic and this is hugely problematic drinking. Not OK.

That’s the difference between a functioning and non functioning alcoholic. He can still get up in the morning and go to work, and save his drinking until he gets home. 100% he’ll start getting withdrawals if he stays off it for more than 2 days. Don’t try and kid yourself that he’s not an alcoholic just because he waits until the evening to get shitfaced every day

He's a functioning alcoholic.

He's an alcoholic.
Is there alcoholism in your family?

He sounds like a functioning alcoholic and your child is clearly giving you the message that they're unhappy with the situation. You need to take action...