Or am I too controlling?

[Daisysandwine]

So basically I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m separated and in a relationship with a lovely man for almost 2 years now. The problem is he likes a drink! I drink and I love to have a glass or two 😜 of wine a few time a week, nothing excessive and usually when my kids aren’t here -the youngest is 12. However my partner like to drink some beers when he comes in from work most days and will happily drink until he is going to bed. He isn’t an angry or troublesome drunk, quite the opposite to be honest but my 12 year old has commented on his drinking a couple of times for example is so and so drunk and does he drink a lot? Now bear in mind my 12 year old is a very sensitive little soul and the apple of my eye so he likes to “protect me” and worries a lot which I’ve told him on numerous occasions not to do so maybe he is more aware whereas the older kids hardly notice I’m in the house! Anyway I’ve brought this subject up with my partner more than once and he promises he won’t drink straight after work when they’re around anymore but he constantly breaks this promise! There is always an excuse like a match on tv or a lovely day to sit outside with a few beers and we fight over literally nothing else only this! Today I’ve just had enough. He asked me if he could get a few beers for the match tonight and I said I don’t care but just don’t drink as soon as you get home from work because I’m paranoid of my youngest noticing it and of course it turned into a huge argument again and now he’s in bed since he came home from work. He thinks I’m being controlling and unreasonable allowing a 12 year old to dictate when we can drink. He is a great partner and I’ve had a lovely life with him compared to what I had with my ex and literally he has no other faults other than this! I don’t know what to do. Am I being controlling or am I being right and not accepting regular drinking from early eve til bed time in front of my kids? I think I’m right and I’ve told him if he doesn’t that’s his problem. He knows he can leave I won’t stop him but at same time I would miss him terribly. I’m 44 and too old for this crap now! Thanks for reading

If he was breathalysed the next morning by the police after 8-10 cans the night before, trust me, that result isn’t coming back sober. He’s got alcohol (and lots of it) in his system almost constantly with the amount he’s drinking whether you’d like to believe it or not.

4 days without alcohol in TWO YEARS is definitely abnormal and a problem, so obvious your child has noted it several times.

You’ve asked if you’re unreasonable for questioning it, you’re not. You ARE unreasonable to keep the blinkers on and pretend it’s not an issue when 99% of posters (and your kid) are telling you it clearly is.

Alcoholics don't all start the day with vodka on their cornflakes. They don't even necessarily drink every day. The hallmark is that when they do drink, they drink a lot, and they drink often. There's always an excuse/reason to drink and they feel intensely uncomfortable when their ability to drink is threatened, such as by a partner who asks them to cut down.

You face a difficult choice. You don't have the moral nor legal right to insist he lives his life the way you want him to. He's an adult. He has the right to choose how he lives his life and if he's content with drinking heavily every day then that's up to him. Your choice is whether you want to live your life with a drunk or not. Al-Anon (the friends and family arm of Alcoholics Anonymous) might help you to distance yourself from his drinking whichever way you decide to go.

One final thing - is he also in his 40s? I have heard a lot of anecdotes, and seen it happen more than once with my own eyes, that a lot of heavy drinkers can more or less keep it together until their 40s. At that point the cumulative damage from the years of alcohol starts to really add up and they can turn from "functioning alcoholic" to "non-functioning alcoholic" scarily quickly.

Not at all.

My parents are long divorced (30 odd years) and it wasn’t an issue I was aware of as when I was a child, I’m mid 40’s now. I couldn’t tell you when it started but it has been all my adult life I think.

He’s perfectly lovely, never cross or angry. He’s a brilliant, generous dad and grandad. But he is an alcoholic.

He had a stroke last year, a big one. Miraculously he has pulled through it. But he’s back drinking, he had 1 month off it but is back to the usual now so it will kill him. he drinks 2-3 bottles of brandy or whisky a week plus loads of wine.

Can you get him some literature about drinking that amount. He might take more notice than just you telling him.

He’s an alcoholic, OP. You are mistaken if you think being an alcoholic requires drinking from the morning. Lots of people who know deep down they have a problem set themselves specific limits “I can’t be an alcoholic if I don’t start drinking until 7pm” or “I can’t be an alcoholic if I can go a week without alcohol”.

It’s the dependence on alcohol that is the problem. I bet he thinks about it and when it’s time for him to allow himself to drink, all the time.

You cannot make him see this. He will either get to that point himself or he will continue drinking like this (possibly worsen) and make himself ill.

You have to leave him. For your son’s sake as well as your own. There is no negotiation here. It’s not possible with an addict. I’m so sorry.

He sounds a lot like my ex. He’s dead now, and it wasn’t a pleasant way to go.

I do 👍 I always have glass of wine or a G&T when I get home. It helps me get rid of the day and de-stress. I teach...it's very stressful 😣

However...I only have the one and then it's a nice cup of tea there after 👍

Also...I'm 60 and live on my own...so nobody else to consider (or offload my day onto!)

8-10 beers every night is bonkers! Nobody needs 8-10 beers at any time, never mind every day 😮 I'd be concerned that there's a dependency issue OP.

If he drinks 8-10 pints every night and sulks otherwise then you are not being unreasonable. I’d give him an ultimatum.
But… If he wants to drink a few nights a week, and drinks only a few pints then YABU.

This is what makes me sad about my own situation too. My partner is a lovely kind person. He treats me very well and does his share of the cooking and cleaning and washing clothes etc. I have absolutely no complaints other than he drinks most nights. I don’t want to be with someone who drinks every night but I do want someone who does everything else that he does as I didn’t have this before in my marriage or any other relationships

This is true but they don’t always escalate. Family members have completely dismissed my dad as an alcoholic because he has stayed “functional” in to old age. I think it’s probably also how he justifies it to himself.

Your son is and will continue to find spending evenings with a drunk (no matter how subtly drunk) disconcerting and uncomfortable. Children in the main feel something is “off”, “not right” and sometimes a bit scary tbh when spending time with adults drinking to excess.

I think your experience is quite unusual though - my experience of alcoholic parents was very different than this!

Does it not matter to you that your DS is so clearly uncomfortable?

My granddad was an alcoholic and lived until his nineties. He worked until his eighties, was incredibly intelligent and from a distance, you'd have absolutely no idea that he spent his entire life pissed as a fart.

Being around him as a child was very unpleasant, almost scary. I last saw him when I was about seventeen and he still made me incredibly uncomfortable. He was drunk (as he always was) and I suspect the next day he had no memory of what had happened.

Your DS deserves so much more than this.

There are plenty of people in AA who didn't drink all day, every day. It's the way you drink more than how often - and I'm afraid that he does sound like an alcoholic. I had a relationship years ago with someone who drank in exactly this way, and he was able to turn it on me and say that I was judgmental because I was the recovering alcoholic, and that he chose to drink rather than needed to drink. He definitely needed it.

I'm not someone who thinks that alcoholics are awful people - I have a lot of friends in recovery. But if it's causing concern for your son and making you edgy, it's a problem. And he clearly doesn't want to stop.

You must end it @Daisysandwine

Please don’t bring this to your children’s lives. If he was their dad it’s different, but you shouldn’t choose this for them.

I’m very sad that my dad is doing this as it has consequences- I can’t ever leave my daughter with him as I don’t know if he’s still over the limit to drive or might have another stroke. We see him but DD never stays there without me as he is a risk (a lovely risk but a risk).

Please don’t let him drive your kids anywhere.

Its a big compromise OP. Because functioning alcoholism only functions when there is a very decent cushion of money to absorb the cost without compromising other things; the alcohol continues to be accessible whenever needed; his health holds; there's never an emergency during his drinking time; other family members don't develop an unhealthy relationship with alcohol due to the role modelling; his drinking doesn't escalate...
No matter how good a man he is, alcoholism pose a huge risk of sending your life down the toilet, and at best sucks up a lot of time and money that could otherwise bring happiness to people other than the alcoholic.

You have "a lovely life" but he's gone straight to bed after work after you argued over the drinking? He's basically sulking. That can't be a very nice atmosphere or example for your sensitive 12 year old. I think your partner needs to accept he has issues with drinking but he will only accept that himself if and when he's ready. Tell him to sort himself out but until he does, ask him to move out
Keep the lines of communication open but this is a habit he must want to kick. You can't make him.

He's a serious alcoholic.

You can choose to stay with him as he is (with your son watching) or you can choose to leave him. The one thing you can't do is change him. There's no point in arguing. He won't stop.

Wow, that’s not sensitive, he’s an alcoholic. That’s why he breaks promises, that’s why he can’t stop. That’s a shocking amount, absolutely shocking. And I usually have no issue with drinking but this is something else.

he is having over 200 units a week, assuming an average of 8.5 per night. Thr safe limit is 14.

the fact he doesn’t pour it on his cornflakes is irrelevant. The man is an alcoholic. There is no point asking him to stop. He can’t.

Google adult children of alcoholics.

He isn't their father but being brought up with an alcoholic screws you over as a kid. It was my upbringing. It's awful.

Also look up codependency. Al anon could also help you.

That wouldn't be for me someone who has to drink each night like that. So unattractive. Also, it shouldn't take a 12 year old to make you realise this is a problem.

He’s not sulking, he’s an alcoholic. He’s desperate for a drink

He’s an alcoholic. Children who grow up in a household are more likely to become alcoholics. Is this the future you want for your children?

Nope I couldn’t be with someone who drank that much, it’s an absolute turn off for me. 8-10 beers is not a normal amount to be drinking daily. He’s an alcoholic

I have an alternative solution ... see if he'd consider low/no alcohol beer. If he just likes to unwind with a nice cold beer when he comes in from work they taste ok these days, in fact he probably wouldn't notice the difference if he didn't see the bottle!