Or am I too controlling?

[Daisysandwine]

So basically I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m separated and in a relationship with a lovely man for almost 2 years now. The problem is he likes a drink! I drink and I love to have a glass or two 😜 of wine a few time a week, nothing excessive and usually when my kids aren’t here -the youngest is 12. However my partner like to drink some beers when he comes in from work most days and will happily drink until he is going to bed. He isn’t an angry or troublesome drunk, quite the opposite to be honest but my 12 year old has commented on his drinking a couple of times for example is so and so drunk and does he drink a lot? Now bear in mind my 12 year old is a very sensitive little soul and the apple of my eye so he likes to “protect me” and worries a lot which I’ve told him on numerous occasions not to do so maybe he is more aware whereas the older kids hardly notice I’m in the house! Anyway I’ve brought this subject up with my partner more than once and he promises he won’t drink straight after work when they’re around anymore but he constantly breaks this promise! There is always an excuse like a match on tv or a lovely day to sit outside with a few beers and we fight over literally nothing else only this! Today I’ve just had enough. He asked me if he could get a few beers for the match tonight and I said I don’t care but just don’t drink as soon as you get home from work because I’m paranoid of my youngest noticing it and of course it turned into a huge argument again and now he’s in bed since he came home from work. He thinks I’m being controlling and unreasonable allowing a 12 year old to dictate when we can drink. He is a great partner and I’ve had a lovely life with him compared to what I had with my ex and literally he has no other faults other than this! I don’t know what to do. Am I being controlling or am I being right and not accepting regular drinking from early eve til bed time in front of my kids? I think I’m right and I’ve told him if he doesn’t that’s his problem. He knows he can leave I won’t stop him but at same time I would miss him terribly. I’m 44 and too old for this crap now! Thanks for reading

Look, while you're mulling it over. Tell him living together isn't working for you and the bairns and you would like him to move out. There's nothing stopping you still seeing each other on a light basis.

This isn't the bloke to shackle yourself to. It won't go the distance.

I’d be very surprised if there wasn’t secret drinking then, no one who drinks over 200 units a week can just stop without significant withdrawal issues.

I don't think it makes much difference if he drinks as soon as he gets in, or waits an hour or two to start. He's still drinking 10 beers in the space of one evening. Could you see if he'll get his liver blood tested? If he's doing damage that might make him cut down?
He will struggle to stop and therefore gradually reducing would be best, but it really is up to him and you can't force him.

Never mind the damage he's doing to himself op. Or that he's causing you and your son.

A quick nosey at Tesco website suggests the cheapest (pallettable) pager is around £4.50 for 4 cans. So let's say he's spending £9 per day on lager.

In the space of 2 years he's spent £6500 on beer.

How much is he contributing towards your household bills op? How many amazing holidays have you been on?

(If you factor that up to 10 cans a night of Peroni it's nearly THIRTEEN GRAND. And he thinks you're being oversensitive? That's nearly £600 a month, more than my mortgage)

I feel sorry for your child. This is their home, which should be their safe space. Except their mum, you, has moved in her alcoholic new boyfriend. You've only been in a relationship for 2 years so when did he move in?

Can I ask OP now that he's got up from bed, has he started drinking? I know it maybe difficult to respond because of some of the more unsympathetic posts but there are many people also not judging. It is an important question because you've just had a row about his drinking

Do you really have to be so blunt? She's come here looking for help. She's not the alcoholic you know and he wasn't this bad when he moved In. Maybe coming here was the wakeup call she needed, until she sees all these posts what's wrong with people.

Some sympathy should be shown for him aswell he didn't wake up one day and think "Oh I know I'll become an alcoholic today"

He is an alcoholic OP, my mum was like this too, she said she wasn't an alcoholic because she only ever drank in the evenings. But she always became a different version of herself, not always nasty as such (although occasionally), more that her filter had gone and if she was ever in a mood about something, anything, you got to know about it in a weird passive aggressive way.. her demeaner would be as if you were an annoyance just for existing.

As a child of the same age as your son that is hard to cope with, not knowing where you stand and which version of the adult you are dealing with, and in some circumstances learning to moderate your behaviour to not cause any problems. Or, you just learn to go out the way of them to avoid dealing with it altogether.

Either way, a child should not be having to live with an alcoholic parent/step parent. He is already minimising his behaviour and blaming your 'sensitivity', and blaming your son for bringing it up in the first place.. stop telling him it's your son that's got the issue now, his annoyance needs to be directed at the one person who has the power to change this situation, which is you.

@Daisysandwine Just end it.

Whether he drinks too much is irrelevant at this point… the only thing that matters is that you are incompatible on this point. It will not work out. You won’t change him to your way.

You are already arguing about so even if he does change the behavior he’ll just resent you for it.

All of this! I had such a similar experience to you and OP is totally ignoring all these comments explaining that this is not going to be alright for her son.

No, you are definitely not controlling.

Your DP is a very bad example.

Thank to everyone for their kind advice which is what I asked for. I really appreciate it. I would never put my kids in a dangerous position or have them afraid to stay in their home. My kids are very happy kids thankfully and I will always do my best to make sure they stay happy. I will try to help my partner and if he doesn’t want the help he can move out. Thanks again 🌼

He's an alcoholic
Any requests for him to cut down will result in him hiding his drinking from you.
Alcoholics can't drink 'a bit'.
It's all or nothing for them.
One is too many and a million is never enough, as the saying goes.
It will get messy. Really messy.
Are you going to stay and watch?

He has an alcohol problem and your son knows it....is that good for anyone?

I say this with kindness but you are doing this the wrong way.

You absolutely cannot "help" him. You can support him while he gets professional help and works on this himself, although I would strongly suggest that it happens away from your home as it can be a difficult process.

My DD is the same age as your son similarly sensitive. This is because she witnessed her shit faced father trying to kill me on more than one occasion, she is undestandably very wary of people who are angry, drunk or in any way seeming to be out of control.

That your son has brought it up several times is his way of trying to tell you that this is bothering him A LOT. For his own reasons, he may not be able to articulate it (DD cant sometimes, all I get is "I dont know" or she retreats into a shell and wont speak) but this is what I suspect he is trying to communicate.

You need to stop trying to help your DP but do listen to your son, he MUST come first. Your marriage sounded toxic and maybe abusive? Your son finally found some peace and now that peace is at risk.

I was a functioning alcoholic for 17 years. I went to work and ran a house but even before my coat was off in the evenings when coming home from work I had the bottle in my hand. I would drink vodka steadily until after midnight, stumble up to bed and then get up in the morning and start the whole cycle over again.

Believe me, OP, he’s got a problem - and it will only get worse. Just because he’s not drinking in the mornings, yet, doesn’t mean he won’t. He will - and he will also start hiding it, trust me. When I finally quit for good in 2016 there were 46 empty vodka bottles hidden around my house. I filled three huge bin bags.

Sadly I have no real advice. Stopping has to be down to him. Alcoholics are fundamentally selfish people and the only way that he is going to stop is if he makes the decision himself. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I put my wonderful husband through hell for years with my drinking. Heavens knows why but he stuck by me and we’re still together but it was only after I hit rock bottom, did something utterly ghastly when pissed, that I finally woke up and shook the stuff off me for good.

I truly hope things work out for you.

He is definitely an alcoholic and he should never have moved in with you and your children. I can see that comparatively he is better than your ex husband but that doesn't mean that he is well-adjusted enough to live with you and the children who have presumably already been through more than most kids have given your past relationship breakdown.

I think he probably is a well-meaning person but I also think you are comparing him to someone who was awful to you and that's why you can't see why brining an alcoholic into your kids life should be a dealbreaker for you. The children will never thank you for that and it might cause them to grow up with alocohol issues themselves. He should absolutely get help, and if you want to you can help him, but he needs to live elsewhere until he is in recovery.

The fact that you say that the kids have been brainwashed to think that anyone who drinks is an alcoholic shows that you minimise his drinking. The fact that you say that you have a lovely life with him compared to what you had with your ex shows that it's not a lovely life on its own, it's just better than what you had. How long were you single between the kids dad and this new guy? Coming out of long abusive relationships and restoring healthy boundaries usually takes years. It doesn't sound like you have reached that stage yet.

@Mummy2024 a lot of us have been through this before. I have witnessed several women in my family waste their lives away because they thought "oh it's not so bad", "he needs my help", "I can change him", and, my personal favourite: "the kids don't know"

The kids KNOW! I never ever brought my relatives' drinking with my parents. Ever. Never said a word because it was so widely accepted, it seemed pointless. But I remember being a child and being so annoyed with their drinking. Even "nice" alcoholics slur, say stupid shit, etc. Children always know and it makes them uncomfortable. They shouldn't be exposed to it. He's not even their father. He's a boyfriend who moved in and is taking advantage of the OP.

OP: you and the children deserve better. Much better. His trauma and addiction is not for you to fix.

I mean this kindly, but I think you need to work on your boundaries and standards for relationships.

Drinking 8-10 beers every night is a major red flag. It would have been better for you and your child if you’d spotted that red flag and ended things early on.

Ask yourself honestly why you didn’t take note and throw him back before he moved in.

As things stand he’d be given one ultimatum and then given notice to leave.

Speaking from family experience, you cannot help a functioning alcoholic, it never works, ever. If by some miracle your help coincides with their own decision to stop it then appears to have helped. They won't stop until they hit their own version of rock bottom ( this will vary from person to person - or never happen).

Oh, and secret drinking, with the level of drinking you are describing, it is definitely happening and if not, will happen. Functioning alcoholics can be very clever and creative when accessing secret stashes of alcohol - I very much doubt that what you see him drink is all he drinks. Look after your child, and yourself - leaving him may get him to change, staying with him won't .

8 to 10 every night? I'm sorry but he's an alcoholic. I wouldn't want to subject my children to this.

But your kids aren't happy. Your son is telling you that.

Honestly op, you cannot change him. It has to come from him.

You have a really low bar.

I'm sounding harsh but it's from learned experience. Im traumatised from being the child of an alcoholic and growing up in that environment. I blame my mum as much as my dad for not leaving him to it. She also thought he'd change and that she could manage him. I don't talk to either of them now. You need to think about your children. You have a lot to lose here.

Amazing thread OP, good luck xx

Ah crap. I'm from a country regularly topping the list of countries by alcohol consumption per capita (usually we're the 1st in the world). It always makes me laugh when I see all these 'us Brits are such problem/binge drinkers, we drink way too much' here. As where I'm from, the total number of drinks your average Brit drinker consumes by the end of the evening would be a pre-drinks to us. I myself can easily polish 10-15 beers (love beer) or a 0.7 bottle of whisky if the party's good.

That said, even back home no one but the hardcore alcoholics drink every day. And 8-10 beers EVERY DAY would definitely raise eyebrows. That IS a huge amount. 2-4 chilled beers with dinner/relaxing in summer - ok (and even that's not every day). 10? Every evening? Wow.

I have a friend just like your partner. Nice chap, fully functioning, stable life, mellow and friendly (at least used to be). Drinks everyday (and even he doesn't consume 10 beers), drinks a lot on the weekends (normal back home). Few years ago, he used to say he's just 'likes the taste'. Then came 'relaxing'. Then 'I can't relax without it'. And now he 'needs it' and gets angry and very irritable without his usual beers. He's 50. Fuck knows what's going to happen in 10-20 years (if he lives that long). Not a good place to be.

Functional alcoholic. It isn’t behaviour I would choose to expose my children to if there were a choice. They are using the argument of a 12 year old dictating whether they can drink to mask the issue that they cannot choose when or not to drink. Good luck going forward