Or am I too controlling?

[Daisysandwine]

So basically I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m separated and in a relationship with a lovely man for almost 2 years now. The problem is he likes a drink! I drink and I love to have a glass or two 😜 of wine a few time a week, nothing excessive and usually when my kids aren’t here -the youngest is 12. However my partner like to drink some beers when he comes in from work most days and will happily drink until he is going to bed. He isn’t an angry or troublesome drunk, quite the opposite to be honest but my 12 year old has commented on his drinking a couple of times for example is so and so drunk and does he drink a lot? Now bear in mind my 12 year old is a very sensitive little soul and the apple of my eye so he likes to “protect me” and worries a lot which I’ve told him on numerous occasions not to do so maybe he is more aware whereas the older kids hardly notice I’m in the house! Anyway I’ve brought this subject up with my partner more than once and he promises he won’t drink straight after work when they’re around anymore but he constantly breaks this promise! There is always an excuse like a match on tv or a lovely day to sit outside with a few beers and we fight over literally nothing else only this! Today I’ve just had enough. He asked me if he could get a few beers for the match tonight and I said I don’t care but just don’t drink as soon as you get home from work because I’m paranoid of my youngest noticing it and of course it turned into a huge argument again and now he’s in bed since he came home from work. He thinks I’m being controlling and unreasonable allowing a 12 year old to dictate when we can drink. He is a great partner and I’ve had a lovely life with him compared to what I had with my ex and literally he has no other faults other than this! I don’t know what to do. Am I being controlling or am I being right and not accepting regular drinking from early eve til bed time in front of my kids? I think I’m right and I’ve told him if he doesn’t that’s his problem. He knows he can leave I won’t stop him but at same time I would miss him terribly. I’m 44 and too old for this crap now! Thanks for reading

Not in my family but have seen it ruin close friends and relatives. My partner believes this is why I’m overly sensitive towards alcohol

70 cans a week and he doesn’t think that’s a problem? That’s a HUGE amount he’s in denial about. Doesn’t sound like he has any intention of cutting back at all. I like a drink, but that’s a shit example for your children.

Your 12 year old has had to point out what you are turning a blind eye to.

Please don’t be gaslighted by this OP. Your instincts are right and he seems to be an alcoholic.

OP he's an alcoholic, in complete denial. Alcohol is a drug, he is dependent on it, and if he goes a few days without alcohol he will go into withdrawal. He obviously has no intention to deal with that. You also can't force him to. So your options are to accept an alcoholic in you and your children's life or leave.

Cirrhosis is only one disease caused by alcoholism. It's also a risk factor for dementia, heart disease, hypertension, stomach cancer and colon cancer.

As PPs have said, DP is an alcoholic. Alcoholism is very difficult to overcome, even with the motivation to overcome it, and it doesn't sound as if he has that.
I'm afraid you have a tough decision to make, OP. I wish you well.

Sounds like my late relative. Yes it killed him

you have a child it’s not responsible to stay with him

”overly sensitive towards alcohol"

But you are not overly sensitive to alcohol.

He's just saying that to get you to keep thinking you are over reacting.

He shuts you down by making out you are some sort of hysterical party pooper.
And it's worked nicely for him so far.

Does he have kids?

He's an alcoholic. This is a really bad role model for your kids. Sorry, but you need to wake up and face reality here.

Can you approach from a health point of view as well as modelling sensible drinking to you son. Maybe suggest non alcoholic beers if it is habit drinking after work?

You've asked for an adaptation to his behaviour in the presence of you child and he has refused. You were fully entitled to ask and he us equally entitled to refuse. No need whatsoever for accusations of 'controlling' to be thrown about. Controlling would be if you withheld his money to stop him drinking for example. A request he was free to refuse, is not.
Unfortunately you have a stalemate and your options are to accept his refusal or ask him to leave.
Personally if my partner couldn't go a day without drinking, couldn't postpone starting to drink and tried to gaslight me onto thinking I was at fault for requesting he did...well I'd already have taken option two. Never again would I live with a man for whom alcohol mattered that much.

That's a huge amount of alcohol.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who drinks like that.

Just to echo the above, he’s a functioning alcoholic. Eight to ten beers every night?? I like a drink as much as the next person, but, in my view, that’s shockingly excessive.

Aside from that, your kid comes first. If they’re concerned, I’d take action. He either reels it in, or it’s over. His response about a 12 year old being controlling doesn’t exactly bode well.

Wow, so it is every night? It’s WILD it’s taken your child repeatedly telling you it’s an issue for you to consider there’s a problem. That’s an insane amount of alcohol to be consuming a week, surely you see that?
Thank goodness he doesn’t drive, for the rest of our sakes. With that amount is he ever actually sober?

Ten cans a night!

OP (and her child) are not being controlling at all.

This man is an alcoholic.

You don’t have to pour whisky on your cornflakes to be an alcoholic!!

My Dad is a functional alcoholic. He only drinks in the evening, never in the day. He is kind and quiet and calm. He had a highly successful career until his mid 70’s. No-one would guess.

They aren’t all bankrupt and rolling around on the floor at 10am.

I think the longest I’ve seen him go without is 4 nights but yes he is sober every day until he starts to drink at night

Doesn't he have his own home to go to?
2 years in and he's got his feet under your table so much, he's completely comfortable stalking upstairs to sulk in your own home? 🤨

No he left his place to move in with me. Looking back now I should never have allowed it.

He won't be sober when he wakes up if he's drinking that much every evening.

Was this hard for your mom and you?

So, depending on what beer it is, he's consuming upwards of 12 units a day (that's 7 lowish alcohol beers), and could be having up to 30 (that's 10 stronger beers).

15-30 units/day would be classed as a moderate alcohol dependence, and warrant a medical detox programme using medication where I work. He has a problem.

That's an insane amount of alcohol to be drinking every day and I wouldn't be putting up with it either!!

Nonsense. She's asked him to do something for her comfort and that of her child. No more no less. Do you think I'm controlling if I ask my partner to move up so I can sit down, because I'm trying to control where he wants to sit, and he wants to sit taking up the whole sofa, and I can't stop him? Because that's where your daft logic and misuse of the term should take you.