Or am I too controlling?

[Daisysandwine]

So basically I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m separated and in a relationship with a lovely man for almost 2 years now. The problem is he likes a drink! I drink and I love to have a glass or two 😜 of wine a few time a week, nothing excessive and usually when my kids aren’t here -the youngest is 12. However my partner like to drink some beers when he comes in from work most days and will happily drink until he is going to bed. He isn’t an angry or troublesome drunk, quite the opposite to be honest but my 12 year old has commented on his drinking a couple of times for example is so and so drunk and does he drink a lot? Now bear in mind my 12 year old is a very sensitive little soul and the apple of my eye so he likes to “protect me” and worries a lot which I’ve told him on numerous occasions not to do so maybe he is more aware whereas the older kids hardly notice I’m in the house! Anyway I’ve brought this subject up with my partner more than once and he promises he won’t drink straight after work when they’re around anymore but he constantly breaks this promise! There is always an excuse like a match on tv or a lovely day to sit outside with a few beers and we fight over literally nothing else only this! Today I’ve just had enough. He asked me if he could get a few beers for the match tonight and I said I don’t care but just don’t drink as soon as you get home from work because I’m paranoid of my youngest noticing it and of course it turned into a huge argument again and now he’s in bed since he came home from work. He thinks I’m being controlling and unreasonable allowing a 12 year old to dictate when we can drink. He is a great partner and I’ve had a lovely life with him compared to what I had with my ex and literally he has no other faults other than this! I don’t know what to do. Am I being controlling or am I being right and not accepting regular drinking from early eve til bed time in front of my kids? I think I’m right and I’ve told him if he doesn’t that’s his problem. He knows he can leave I won’t stop him but at same time I would miss him terribly. I’m 44 and too old for this crap now! Thanks for reading

Sure, it's not always a progression. Many die before they reach that point.

My lovely best mate was a functional alcoholic, until he wasn't. Early 40s. He could go periods of time without drinking, until he couldn't. He didn't drink till the evening, then the afternoon.

The day it really hit home with him was going to the GP for a different reason, so he thought, but his symptoms were withdrawal. From that day on he was advised to drink a level of alcohol a day to prevent seizures and the other horrible things that come with withdrawal.

He had to surrender his driving licence. He moved on from beer to vodka. Currently on a litre bottle or more a day. He has lesions on his liver and nerve damage to his feet, back and eyes.

Thankfully, he's accepted his dependence and will be going into detox very soon, then up to 6 months of residential rehab. I've supported him through this and only because he has been willing to fully engage. I'm really excited for him to have a sober life. He'll never regain his health fully though.

This is what you could potentially be facing. You can't have this around your twelve year old, you just can't.

Until your dp is willing to accept his dependence, nothing will change for the better.

Oh, and he definitely shouldn't go cold turkey, it could be dangerous.

He definitely has issues with alcohol.

my DF is an alcoholic. Years of regular evening drinking. Not really heavy, it looked fairly medium in quantity, but every night over years. He held down employment etc right through it all.

lovely, lovely, caring person. Kind, not aggressive and a fairly funny drunk.

but he nearly died 2 years ago of alcohol induced illnesses. It wasn’t until that scare (it was his second, very close call) that he finally became sober.

This is the point I’ve made to him. I have absolutely no problem with him drinking, it’s how often I have the problem with. If he wants to have a few beers watching a game then of course I wouldn’t have a problem with that. I look forward to having a few wines during my weekends. He is up now and talking a bit as he doesn’t want an atmosphere in front of the kids. I’ll see how the night goes

What would the ideal scenario look like for you? It sounds like you have a couple of glasses of wine on a weekend and you wouldn't mind him having a few beers during a match, but is that... it?
He is drinking too much, that is absolutely a fact, but is he aware of that? Can he cut down on a permanent basis, with support (from his gp, from you, from other organisations)? Would you expect that he cuts down from 8-10 beers a day to a few beers on the weekend only, for the relationship to go the distance?
Do you know how long he's been drinking at this level? Is his mental health alright? Does he have trouble sleeping?

i agree that I feel he does suffer with his mental health a bit and a lot of his immediate family have alcohol problems. Some binge drinking and some on a regular basis. They had an absolutely horrific upbringing and I don’t think any of them have dealt with it properly. My partner used to get pushed down stairs and have black eyes going to primary school from his father when he was a little kid and given money then so he wouldn’t tell anyone. Sometimes he cries telling me about it. Thankfully him and his siblings didn’t do the same to their kids. My partner has never even cursed in front of his kids. They’re all grown up now but all very fond of him. He has given up cigarettes and certain foods because of health issues without any problems but drink seems to be his downfall. I don’t mind him having beers at the weekends at all or even a couple during the week after a stressful day as his job is fairly stressful so that would be my ideal scenario to be honest. I’m going to try to talk to him again and ask him to cut down if he can’t give up but it’s just come to my mind now as he’s just told me he’s starting night work at end of month, he doesn’t drink at all in the evenings when he is working nights! So he can stay off it when he wants to!! He doesn’t do nights often but does a few times a year.

He has a problem with alcohol.... I'm not saying he's an alcoholic per say could just be an unhealthy relationship with alcohol but from what you've described I'm actually concerned he will suffer withdrawal from it from units that high every night of the week

How many units is he drinking a week?

This has some handy tools/quiz https://alcoholchange.org.uk/alcohol-facts/interactive-tools/check-your-drinking/alcohol-units

The maximum weekly units is 14, if spread over several days.

If those 10 beers a night are a lower strength lager or cider, he's consuming 189 units a week.

That is clear indication that he has a problem based on quantity/units alone.

I’m going to try to talk to him again and ask him to cut down if he can’t give up

Oh dear. You do realise you can't cure or control his drinking don't you? That's down to him.

You are choosing this relationship with this man over your child. A child who has already said how concerned he is while you have had the blinkers on.

You need to wake up op. They only get one childhood. Don't do it to them.

He's probably got up because he needs a drink OP :-( I'm so sorry and I think some posts have been abit blunt.

I would be blunt with him and say look I think your an alcoholic. He's emotionally blackmailing you with the controlling comment so that you don't do it again. I'm not saying he's abusive, just desperate to find a way to keep drinking without feeling bad for it.

He needs AA and possibly some sort of rehab at this point.

Hiya, my mum was a functioning alcoholic. I hated her blurred eyes and speech every day. I hated the absolute bollocks she used to speak. I hated she could never be there for me after about 5pm. I avoided home and it made me vulnerable as a teen.

She then became a full blown alcoholic and was a complete nightmare. For about 15 years.

Set your expectation clear with him and the don't get into arguments about how much / monitoring etc. Its a full time job to police an alcoholic. You'll find out soon enough if he can do it. And if he can't, don't hang around.

He's an alcoholic. A nice alcoholic, but one nonetheless. My grandpa was one of those. Lovely man, very cheerful, kind, never violent or angry. So no one thought it was a massive problem, just embarrassing and over time the family joke. But by the time he was in his 50s, my grandma became a recluse. She couldn't take him to a wedding or a birthday party because he would embarrass himself eventually. He also crashed his car and lost his license because he had a ton of alcohol in his bloodstream.

He eventually managed to drink so much, his liver stopped working, and it poisoned his brain. It was an awful, awful death. He couldn't recognize anyone, he had angry horrible outbursts, his last 6 months were just hell for everyone.

I would kick him out. Don't be my grandma. Alone and stressing about how much he's going to drink today. Then watch him waste away in front of your eyes. Honestly, she had an awful life.

@Daisysandwine I'm a (recovering) alcoholic. I no longer drink at all. What I found helped at first and this sounds nuts is having the same drinks but alcohol free. I actually think it was as much about the habit and ritual (for me) as it was the actual alcohol. Could you buy him a load of AF beers and see if he'll give them a go?

I think he’s a functioning alcoholic and the relationship should end, but if you feel you aren’t ready yet buy a selection of non-alcoholic beers so he can have his evenings necking beer. It might help him cut down and if it doesn’t work he can’t say you didn’t try.

I can promise you I am not choosing anything over my children. They will always come first. My kids are very fond of my partner and most of the time they don’t see him drinking but when the youngest has he has commented on it a couple of times. I know he drinks too much way too much but I want to try to help him rather than kick him out but if I can’t help him that’s what I’ll have to do. I left a horrible marriage after 17 years and I have no problem leaving this relationship either if/when I need to. Also to add my ex tried to make out I was an alcoholic when we were splitting up so that’s why my son’s senses are heightened around alcohol also. He has been brainwashed into thinking anyone who drinks at home is an alcoholic. All that aside I don’t want him around that much alcohol. I don’t have any blinkers on. I know my partner drinks too much and if he won’t let me help him he will be shown the door no doubt about it. I now know from all the replies that I’m not being unreasonable which is good to know and I will take it one step at a time now to help him even if it is just an unhealthy relationship he has and not alcoholism. Fingers crossed 🤞

OP I wouldn't listen to people saying things like he'll never change. Id give him a chance. Only 1 but a CHANCE. If you have a calm talk with him, during the day. Completely 100% honest about everything he might just listen.
I did because some do. My mum didn't and sadly drank herself to death at age 49 so 1 chance only.

Some of the replies are harsh but OP, honestly, you cannot change him. Alcoholics are great manipulators, they have to be. We just don't want you to waste another x years of your life trying to help him. You can't.

He has to want to change and that won't happen as long as there are no real consequences.

It's not controlling to worry about someone being unable to take a single night off drinking what sounds like a really large amount of beer. It's also not controlling to put your kids' needs first, but in this case I wouldn't make it about your son noticing. If your partner were drinking 8-10 beers a night & unable to stop, and you didn't have kids, that would still be a cause for concern. Don't let your partner make it about your son 'controlling' anything as that allows him to pretend that carrying on drinking is some kind of parental boundary setting. Either he can take responsibility for his own health or not... And right now, it doesn't seem like he can.

he’s just told me he’s starting night work at end of month, he doesn’t drink at all in the evenings when he is working nights

and when he comes home does he drink? Would you know?

Alcoholic.

Oversensitive would be if you were on at him after having one beer every night.

8 to 10 beers a night, every night, is an alcoholic problem and it's costing you financially (not to mention the relationship you have with your child).

Is the house in your name? If so he needs to leave.

Op, is this a deal breaker for you or not?

Your son is very sensible. Your partner is clearly an alcoholic, I'd steer well clear. For your son's sake, I'd have a hard think about your boundaries and expectations in a partner (that you're forcing your child to live with).

So many issues here I don't know where to begin

• alcoholics don't begin their descent by drinking in the mornings. It's just where they end up
• women who have been in abusive relationships tend to end up in other abusive relationships, albeit one's that are "less abusive / slightly better" than the previous ones
• his drinking being the "only" thing you disagree or argue about isn't something to minimise. His drinking will take over all your lives
• 8 drinks a night is a huge amount
• Your 12 child shouldn't be the one telling you this isn't acceptable
• you shouldn't move a man with addiction issues in with your family

No he goes straight to bed. Well he did the last few times anyway unless it has gotten worse now so I will see