Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Or am I too controlling?

144 replies

Daisysandwine · 11/06/2024 17:38

So basically I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m separated and in a relationship with a lovely man for almost 2 years now. The problem is he likes a drink! I drink and I love to have a glass or two 😜 of wine a few time a week, nothing excessive and usually when my kids aren’t here -the youngest is 12. However my partner like to drink some beers when he comes in from work most days and will happily drink until he is going to bed. He isn’t an angry or troublesome drunk, quite the opposite to be honest but my 12 year old has commented on his drinking a couple of times for example is so and so drunk and does he drink a lot? Now bear in mind my 12 year old is a very sensitive little soul and the apple of my eye so he likes to “protect me” and worries a lot which I’ve told him on numerous occasions not to do so maybe he is more aware whereas the older kids hardly notice I’m in the house! Anyway I’ve brought this subject up with my partner more than once and he promises he won’t drink straight after work when they’re around anymore but he constantly breaks this promise! There is always an excuse like a match on tv or a lovely day to sit outside with a few beers and we fight over literally nothing else only this! Today I’ve just had enough. He asked me if he could get a few beers for the match tonight and I said I don’t care but just don’t drink as soon as you get home from work because I’m paranoid of my youngest noticing it and of course it turned into a huge argument again and now he’s in bed since he came home from work. He thinks I’m being controlling and unreasonable allowing a 12 year old to dictate when we can drink. He is a great partner and I’ve had a lovely life with him compared to what I had with my ex and literally he has no other faults other than this! I don’t know what to do. Am I being controlling or am I being right and not accepting regular drinking from early eve til bed time in front of my kids? I think I’m right and I’ve told him if he doesn’t that’s his problem. He knows he can leave I won’t stop him but at same time I would miss him terribly. I’m 44 and too old for this crap now! Thanks for reading

OP posts:
HollyKnight · 12/06/2024 00:15

It's up to you whether you want your children to grow up thinking it's normal to drink alcohol every day.

Personally, I wouldn't give him a third chance. You've already had this conversation, but he continues to ignore this boundary so what's the point in having the conversation again? He already knows how you feel. He chooses the drink.

Barney16 · 12/06/2024 00:21

I have lived with a functioning alcoholic. Gorgeous bloke, lovely, kind,generous, funny. Drank every late afternoon and evening. Very rarely "drunk" but drank, minimum of two bottles of wine a day. He just didn't see it as a problem. No children though and that's the heart of this matter isn't it?

T1Dmama · 12/06/2024 00:28

Daisysandwine · 11/06/2024 17:41

Eight or ten most of the time unless he’s really tired

HOLY CRAP!!
8-10 beers most nights?! I used to work with alcoholics that drank less than that!!
Personally I feel that it’s your house and your rules… you have to set an example to your kids… do you want your 12 year old growing up to think this level of drinking is ‘normal’…
If I met someone new I wouldn’t allow them to smoke or vape or take drugs in my house, and I don’t see excessive drinking as any different!
The very fact he promises to cut back but then can’t suggests this is a bigger problem for him!
Not only that but if he’s drinking 8-10 beers before bed there is no way he’s within the legal limit when he gets behind the wheel and drives to work the next morning!! Personally I wouldn’t tolerate this. He stops drinking more than 2 beers on week nights or he leaves!

sandyhappypeople · 12/06/2024 00:47

Daisysandwine · 11/06/2024 21:19

Thank to everyone for their kind advice which is what I asked for. I really appreciate it. I would never put my kids in a dangerous position or have them afraid to stay in their home. My kids are very happy kids thankfully and I will always do my best to make sure they stay happy. I will try to help my partner and if he doesn’t want the help he can move out. Thanks again 🌼

Has he ever had therapy?

My partner used to get pushed down stairs and have black eyes going to primary school from his father when he was a little kid and given money then so he wouldn’t tell anyone. Sometimes he cries telling me about it.

A lot of people use drink as a coping mechanism, my mum was an alcoholic, but strictly in the evenings so it 'didn't count' to her, she went through a really traumatic time a few years previously, well we all did actually but she bore the brunt, and she never really got over it all, I think it was her way of numbing everything but when she was drunk that anger at the injustice of it all used to seep out of her pores and she seemed annoyed, she would be cold and sarcastic if not downright argumentative over nothing.. I just avoided her in the evenings so I didn't have to engage.

The worst part was the next morning when I'd come downstairs and she'd be my fantastic lovely mum again, she either never remembered or she pretended she didn't, and I would feel incredibly guilty for feeling annoyed with her the previous night.. every night and day that cycle happened, every night the anxiety of which version she would be, every morning the guilt, I was the same age as your son when this all started.

She never stopped and she died by 60, I sometimes think if she had therapy she may have been able to let go of some of that anger and be free of the coping mechanism, but she never did. You won't be able to 'help him' OP, he can only help himself with your support if you choose, but you should not put your kids through everything that alcoholism entails.

T1Dmama · 12/06/2024 00:47

Sorry just seen he doesn’t drive to
work… we’ll that’s something at least!
Does he operate machinery at work? He’s lucky he doesn’t get the sack from work… that smell of beer the morning after makes me feel sick and I can smell it on people ..

OhcantthInkofaname · 12/06/2024 00:51

He is an alcoholic. Your 12-year-old is pretty astute.

5475878237NC · 12/06/2024 03:25

Daisysandwine · 11/06/2024 17:58

I have thought maybe he is an alcoholic but he doesn’t need a drink when he gets up in the mornings and at weekends he doesn’t drink any earlier so I’ve been thinking maybe it’s just a habit and he is also a very independent person so the fighting over it from his side could be that he doesn’t like to be “told what to do” I don’t know what to think to be honest. We have the best times together other than this

When you say other than this do you mean the day time weekends before he has a drink? He's literally drinking all the time otherwise?

He's an alcoholic and it's not fair on your son.

5475878237NC · 12/06/2024 03:27

Daisysandwine · 11/06/2024 21:19

Thank to everyone for their kind advice which is what I asked for. I really appreciate it. I would never put my kids in a dangerous position or have them afraid to stay in their home. My kids are very happy kids thankfully and I will always do my best to make sure they stay happy. I will try to help my partner and if he doesn’t want the help he can move out. Thanks again 🌼

The only way to help your partner is give him the details of AA and offer to take him. If he doesn't go, that has to be the end.

yumyumyumy · 12/06/2024 03:29

Just because someone doesn't need a drink when they wake up doesn't stop them being an alcoholic. 8-10 beers a day is ridiculous.

3luckystars · 12/06/2024 04:46

Yes your son is correct. It is a big problem and your son deserves better. Good luck OP.

SallyWD · 12/06/2024 08:16

5475878237NC · 12/06/2024 03:27

The only way to help your partner is give him the details of AA and offer to take him. If he doesn't go, that has to be the end.

My ex was a alcoholic. We lived together for 9 years. I have to say there's really nothing you can do. I spent years trying every different approach I could to help him. I tried everything. You can't reason with an alcoholic. They basically want the alcohol above anything else. We ended up separating and it was the best thing. Think of your children.

Frasers · 12/06/2024 08:30

To be honest op, I’m surprised your child raised it, but you didn’t deal with it because it got to this level.

i think as much as you’re saying he can go, you will help etc, it’s also clear the last thing you want is to split up. And you already knew he was an alcoholic, but have failed to deal with it. Your initial post was about your youngest being a sensitive soul and trying to protect you but the older ones not noticing. Of course they notice, the man sits and downs up to ten cans a night, he’s a drunk.

Toooldforthis36 · 12/06/2024 08:33

Daisysandwine · 11/06/2024 17:41

Eight or ten most of the time unless he’s really tired

That’s an insane amount on a regular basis. That’s an alcohol problem imo.

whynotwhatknot · 12/06/2024 12:15

he needs counselling and rehab you cant help an alcoholic they have to help themselves

and depending what time he finishes drinking he could still be over the limit the follwing day

Itllfalloff · 13/06/2024 00:06

Wow, that’s a LOT

MadeForThis · 14/06/2024 00:00

How much has he drank in the last couple of nights?

Daisysandwine · 14/06/2024 09:37

MadeForThis · 14/06/2024 00:00

How much has he drank in the last couple of nights?

Nothing thank god. Think he realized how pissed off I was so hasn’t touched it since Tuesday

OP posts:
somethingwickedlivesnextdoor · 14/06/2024 10:01

Mmm. Nothing thank god. Think he realized how pissed off I was so hasn’t touched it since Tuesday

Let's see if that lasts. I bet he'll stop for a few nights then he'll start again and it will gradually creep up until it's back to normal.

T1Dmama · 14/06/2024 17:24

He needs to seek counselling support for his past trauma

New posts on this thread. Refresh page