Father in law does jobs around our house when they babysit. I hate it

[rewarrrrd]

I just find it intrusive.

They very kindly babysat the other day, we came back and he'd done a couple of (pointless) jobs in the house.

I find it slightly judgemental, like my standards aren't high enough for him so he just has to put it right.

Also annoying that he's wasting time that could be spent with his grandchildren meddling around my house!

My feelings could come from my childhood though, my grandparents moved country when I was 1, dad moved town when I was 4, and my favourite auntie moved country when I was 5. Been largely on my own ever since because I have lots of younger siblings who needed/received more attention.

We yes. If the OP is ASD this would not be unusual at all

Nope - we read the post where she said that the BILs wife doesn't speak to them because she felt the had overstepped. Nothing to do with OP’s personal experience, which she acknowledges she sees as him as being kind if somewhat old fashioned and entrenched in gender stereotypical roles.

If you’ve grown up in a difficult family or have ASD, OP, it is definitely hard to adapt to well meaning PiLs who just want to help and support, no matter how clumsily - I am the same (also AuDHD) and awful childhood. Hated when MiL would make meals of offer me a cuppa in my own bloody house! Got over it once I realised it wasn’t criticism but a way to show she cared.

The PP suggestion above to channel his enthusiasm with jobs you really would like doing, OP, and that fee up DH to help/be with you, is a great one. We used to do that - say, “when you’re down next would you mind looking at X? We’re not sure if we should call someone..” and he would spend ages researching it, making sure he had the right parts on hand.

Get In!

This. He's showing you he cares about you all.

Please send him to mine

My Dad descaled our bathroom taps when he came over once, another time when me and my DH had first moved in and were still young, I thought he'd just gone for a breath of fresh air in the garden - but I found him pulling a load of ivy off the back of house. He wasn't being judgey, just saw something to fix I guess, and it did do us a favour there, though he probably should have asked. Less helpful was the time he got up early and messed up our telly for an hour by rejigging our set up to tune into freeview channels because he thought the picture looked better than through our satellite subscription... 🙄😁

Grandads love doing jobs like that. It makes them feel useful and comes from a place of love, not judgement

I think it's probably out of love for your DP OP rather than any judgement to you. However I think it's completely understandable that you'd feel judged. It depends on your relationship with your FIL. It's similar to when a MIL starts to get the vacuum out....seems like meddling but not always intended as such.

Yeah it is. But since he does pretty much fuck all cleaning or jobs he can get stuffed

For me it's a mum thing. Dad's way of showing love is cooking up a storm. Mum is a tidier and fixer upper.

OP, when my Mum came to look after me after I had my first baby DH brought me home from hospital and my Mum. Was on her hands and knees scrubbing my kitchen floor. She wasn't judging me she was trying to get everything perfect for her daughter and dgd to come home too. I'd accept any help he offers gratefully and let his show his love for you all.

That's why you didn't recognise it as love. You were not used to receiving this type of care. Enjoy it.

I get it too @rewarrrrd my own DM used to come over to "see the grandchildren", but instead of seeing them or spending time with them would do jobs around the house, and then complain to me that she never saw the grandchildren, even though I never asked her to do the jobs and even told her not to, to go and spend time with the children instead, and for what it's worth yes my mother does have classic NPD traits. It's exhausting, and we are now very very low contact.

I remember really struggling with PND and sleepless nights with DS when he was a tiny baby and DD was a toddler.

PIL came over "to help". They spent much of the day pruning the apple tree. What I really wanted was them to entertain DD so I could just feed DS and (try to) relax. They asked DD if she wanted to help them in the garden, she said no, so they got on with it, and I stayed inside with the DC.

In this instance it honestly felt worse than not having an offer of help, because pruning the apple tree would probably not have been on a list of jobs I was planning to do any time that year, let alone in the first few months with a new baby.

I've just arrived at ds house. I've put the washing in the machine and hooked the lounge!

I think in-law relationships are tricky and both side's issues feed into it. A few in laws on both sides have issues with my parents / my PILs, while others get on grandly with them.

We get on really well with both sets of parents, but that's probably because my DP is a lovely person who gets on with everyone. If just me, maybe I'd have found offense or offended them.

If you said 2 other DILs/SILs had issues, I'd agree that would be more of a definite sign, but OP doesn't sound like she had a normal upbringing (left to her own devices since she was 4) and who knows what the other DIL is like especially since BIL seems OK with the parents.

I'd find that presumptuous and irritating, even if it came from a good place. The idea of someone roaming around my house looking for minor DIY projects would infuriate me (and my self-esteem is fine, I had an involved family, and I would find it the same regardless of who was doing the jobs.) Ask him to stop. Or, alternatively, if there are some jobs you would genuinely like him to do, ask him nicely to do those, and to confine himself to those.

I know it’s difficult and feels intrusive but he is just trying to help you.

My DP’s dad put a blue “pedestrian gate” sign on our side gate one day when we were out. We laughed our heads off at the thought of the general public thinking it was some kind of short cut…

He is not with us now, so we never had the heart to take it down.

But the OP also says she thinks the FIL can be superior and judgemental. If both DILs feel that you would think that it is more likely the FIL than them. And as I said if there are issues with one DIL would you not think to check with the other DIL, just to make sure it isn't you. Also first and foremost DIL's feelings come before FIL's in her own home.

Just out of curiosity is it more that you take it as an insult (saying you're not good enough – rubbing salt on your insecurity) or is it the intrusiveness (doing things in your space – making you feel less private)?

I get not wanting them to do it, but your reaction of being infuriated strikes me as really emotional. I'd wager you're not alone in feeling that way though and there are others like you. So just wondering about the reasons.

@notacooldad does your DS have a partner?

You think he went looking? I'd rather have thought he was using the bathroom and noticed the showerhead needed some tlc.
Why assume the worst of someone who you've invited Into your home to do you a favour?

But having low self-esteem, low self-worth doesn't mean that you shouldn't be empathetic towards other people.

@notacooldaddoes your DS have a partner?
Yes but she is seriously ill and has moved back home for her parents to care for her as ds works over 2 hours away. She comes home at weekends when ds is off work

My late FIL wins. He used to do my ironing wherever they visited! He liked to have something to do, and my PILs loved me, bless them.

When I knew they were coming down for the weekend, I'd deliberately save my ironing up for him! It made us both happy ❤️