Father in law does jobs around our house when they babysit. I hate it

[rewarrrrd]

I just find it intrusive.

They very kindly babysat the other day, we came back and he'd done a couple of (pointless) jobs in the house.

I find it slightly judgemental, like my standards aren't high enough for him so he just has to put it right.

Also annoying that he's wasting time that could be spent with his grandchildren meddling around my house!

My feelings could come from my childhood though, my grandparents moved country when I was 1, dad moved town when I was 4, and my favourite auntie moved country when I was 5. Been largely on my own ever since because I have lots of younger siblings who needed/received more attention.

Omg send him my way, it never gets bloody clean!

@rewarrrrd maybe when I was younger I would have been insulted. But now I'd just be grateful for the help as it's really hard to keep on top of everything yourself and also if the children watch him when they're older then they'll learn how to do things

Is he a potterer? I love pottering and get most of my household jobs done that way. He’s probably enjoying himself and thinks he’s helping. Leave him be is my advice

I think I understand how you feel - my mother in law used to drive me mad insisting that she brings food for us, tidying up the kitchen while I was out and things. My parents wouldn’t dream of doing anything unless they’d talked to me beforehand, so was really unused to it. I now see it as her actively loving me, her son and her grandson-and am very grateful for a pair of hands! Have also got better at being clear when i don’t want her doing things for us. Hope you find a way to feel comfortable with it, for all of you

Free babysitting and a handyman?! You’re incredibly lucky.
it’s done from love on both counts

@rewarrrrd , people show their love and care in different ways. If you not want him to do it tell him alternatively you could tell him what would be helpful. ☺️

My mum cleans my house when she babysits. My husband HATES it. I absolutely love it. My dad does jobs. I’ll quite often leave him a list now. They are both potterers and enjoy keeping busy and I love the help

Do they live in your area @rewarrrrd ? Maybe they don’t know what’s available to do locally with kids while babysitting. Maybe you could suggest a few “ if it’s nice later would you like to take the children to the play park, we just didn’t have time at the weekend”, or “ my neighbour said the ducks in the river have ducklings, if you were thinking of taking a walk”. Or suggest jobs they could do with the children, like washing their bikes, planting up some herbs in a pot ( visit to the garden centre? Always a winner) . Do they babysit often? Buy them National trust membership so they can take the kids out, but also use it themselves.

@Gymmum82 do you take your husband’s feelings into account? I assume it is house too.

@notacooldad I have taught DC not to leave the house empty if the tumble dryer, washing machine or dishwasher are on so would not be impressed if someone came into our house and left one of those appliances on when they went back out again. Doesn’t matter if they were family and were helping. Having seen the after effects of an appliance fire we became more cautious

He sounds lovely. YABU.

Its a dad thing ... they feel useful and its their way of helping.

Sometimes its frustrating. But its their way of showing love. My dad used to do it. Drove me insane. What I wouldn't give now for him to walk in now with his screwdriver.

Be grateful. It is a job you don't have to do. He isn't soing thia criticlly

@Hawkerslife @LilyBartsHatShop

I think my late MIL was similar to yours. We did get on quite well but I always felt more comfortable visiting them than feeling I was having my house/cleaning/cooking judged or "improved" each time they came here. (I always offered to help with washing up/cooking etc )

I don't think she meant it in that way (although she was a bit controlling) but i actually think her raison d'etre was looking after people and doing stuff for them - but it made me feel like there was an unreachable standard that I'd never be able to achieve!

Feeling judgement from someone simply doing a nice thing is your own issue/problem to work on. It’s part of the ever increasing ‘world revolves around me and my feelings’ attitude people have. They drive people away with their shitty responses to people trying to do a nice thing and then moan that they get no help from anyone a few years later.

Is he retired? He's probably just thinking you have very busy lives so doing the little jobs you don't get round to doing. Just say thanks we've been meaning to do that.

I could do with him to fix my dripping tap.🤣🤣🤣

My MIL was dog sitting for a few days and did my laundry. I am still mad - she put a bright yellow jumper in with darks and every time I look at it, I feel sad. because i got it in the sale and loved it. And now it is a dull yellow. Why couldn't she stay the fuck out of my laundry basket!!!

Can I adopt him please? There's lots of useless jobs he could do. I'd be leaving him a list, a very long list!!

How strange your wording and thoughts are. Growing up with loving parents/relatives isn't the same as "having help". Even if it's help, it's what all children (and adults tbh) are entitled to.

Aww that's lovely.🥰

My mother used to do this, tidying up, reorganising, etc. I too found it intrusive. So I completely get it.
I asked her to stop, but she couldn't help herself, she just could stop. In the end I just stopped asking her to babysit in my house.

Please tell me how he did it ? Trying everything and its not working

This. My FiL was not hands on with my DH and DSiL, although he was loving and happily took them places or played cricket with them when they were older. He’s been the same with ours. Loving, interested, but until they were old enough to go into his attic and play with the HUGE model trainset (or play cricket) he was at a loss.

He showed his love for us by tinkering - making sure the radiators were bled, fixing any curtain poles that looked a bit iffy. He even came and spent a month building/laying a patio (DH helped after work and at weekends) a job that saved us over £20k at the time. It lasted 15 years and we’ve only just replaced it. We let him do it as it was his way - his generation’s way - of showing he cared and of trying to do something for us that we might value. He never visited without his toolbox and we both teased him and loved him for it.

He has Parkinson's now and the kids are teens, but they adore him. As do I. He was more of a dad to me than my own was. I’d really encourage you to try to come to appreciate what your FiL is offering and what he’s trying to communicate to you all.

The day I was diagnosed with a life limiting condition, my dad came round and build a fence in my garden. He was in his late 60s at the time and had no idea how else to show support and emotions. I remember thinking WTF I could do with you indoors but that was all he had to give so I just took it.

I hear your frustration but I feel like its coming from a place of love.

My dad does this...he loves to feel useful and finding small things around the house that we've not had a chance to do, makes him feel needed. Definitely a sign of love! I now usually find him a few small things to fix now...he is in his element!

For those saying it is coming from a place of love did you read OP's post where she says the other DIL hardly speaks to the MIL/FIL because they have overstepped so much?

You would think in that situation they would check with OP whether she is happy with what they are doing

I was just thinking today how much I miss my FIL who would have done all these jobs and more besides because he loved us and hated to see us struggling with all the spinning plates of life and just wanted to help. And how much I miss my own dad who would have loved to have helped in the same way but sadly could not have hit a nail with a map. I know where you're coming from OP but remember that he loves you and this 'helping' is exactly that. Love. In DIY form.