Father in law does jobs around our house when they babysit. I hate it

[rewarrrrd]

I just find it intrusive.

They very kindly babysat the other day, we came back and he'd done a couple of (pointless) jobs in the house.

I find it slightly judgemental, like my standards aren't high enough for him so he just has to put it right.

Also annoying that he's wasting time that could be spent with his grandchildren meddling around my house!

My feelings could come from my childhood though, my grandparents moved country when I was 1, dad moved town when I was 4, and my favourite auntie moved country when I was 5. Been largely on my own ever since because I have lots of younger siblings who needed/received more attention.

As an aside yes I would be the same ie he is doing that job as he thinks I am useless and incompetent.

I am assuming that he does not think that so 2 options let him carry on doing the jobs, sit with the uncomfortable feeling and reframe his actions as coming from a place of care or, if it's making you feel very very not comfortable then tell him to stop, explaining why. He will probably be quite surprised!

Personally I think anything cleaning is out of bounds as you can do it but have chosen not to. Fixing something for me would be different as I potentially do not have the skills/tools do that . But even so, it's not his house so he should ask. But, I appreciate that I am bringing my own baggage to these comments as is everyone else.

But we're not talking about distant relatives we're talking about parents in this case...maybe I should have said parents not family !

@Itsallsostressful why do parents get a get out of jail free card to come into their adult DC’s homes and start doing things they think their DC want doing? Does it go the other way and adult DC can rearrange their parents house etc?

My ex MIL was just like this. I'd go mad trying to have the place spotless and perfect before she arrived, and she'd always find something to improve - even rearranging our nicknaks, putting out on display things I'd stored away, it all felt so intrusive. Then one visit I had the inspiration of letting things slide a bit, when she arrived I said, "I've left the washing up for you, and there's tidying to do too." The intrusive "help" stopped instantly.

God I would love that. I’d be writing them never ending lists of all the stuff I’ve been meaning to do but just haven’t had the chance to do myself/organise a tradesperson to help with.

Well don't know about rearrange but I've cleaned my mums kitchen when in her house alone and bored.
We're obviously from different types of families so let's agree to disagree !

My MIL is nosey and intrusive and I know she'd HATE it if it was done in her house 😂 in fact I don't think she got on particularly well with her own MIL

Please send him to ours

My DD's love language is fixing things, I've been on holiday and come home to find new light fittings, door handles replaced etc, he has never said. I love you but anytime I see him he asks if my house is ok....it's his way of looking out for you

@Italianita just don’t be overbearing.

My MIL really struggled at first to not treat her son’s houses as extension of hers. Because they couldn’t possibly be capable of looking after their own home. So would criticise absolutely everything she wouldn’t have in her house, and bleached everything to an inch of its life as that was her cleaning routine.

She even criticised things my parents had given us or I had inherited from other relatives.

I would not dream to have gone to her house and tell it was soulless as she had nothing personal on show (the telephone even had to go in a cupboard) or bring a bottle of bleach with me.

Luckily, she has now accepted her ‘babies’ are now grown ups (now they are in their 50s) and are perfectly capable of deciding what they want in their houses

Im with you OP, I would hate this.

I am forever tidying my mum's house and making her chuck stuff out because she really struggles and it's not good for her. I wouldn't dream of doing that with anyone else.

@WestEndWindy but if she wasn’t struggling and was happy in her home, would you do that?

DPs came for lunch once a month and DF always brought his toolbox as tjete was always something to fix and DH is useless at DIY. Miss him.

@Itsallsostressful why do parents get a get out of jail free card to come into their adult DC’s homes and start doing things they think their DC want doing? Does it go the other way and adult DC can rearrange their parents house etc?
I already stated In an earlier post that, yes, it does work the other way round.
I said Ds will call round and if we are not in he'll put some laundry in empty the dish washer or peg the washing.
Ds does same as well but I've told him never to put stuff in the dryer unless it's been a towels or dark heavy wash.

@notacooldad why do you go to somebody's house if they are not in? Is the laundry more important than actually seeing your relative? Do they have to wait until the washing machine/tumble dryer has finished before they leave?

My husband visits my sons house twice a week as his car charger is there and he charges his car

he will often weed the driveway

the other day he noticed that the a few wall plugs were not screwed in properly and were lose so when he want up next time he had come with the screws to fix them

one time they mentioned that the toilet seat was wonky but it just needed some sealant on it which he fixed for them

My son and his partner haven’t long moved in to their house and they work long hours and it’s things they need to get done but just don’t have the time

my husband is retired so he has plenty of time to do it for them . if they are having parcels that need to be signed for he will pop up and wait for them

They don’t mind one bit

They know that he isn’t interfering in fact they have him a key .
I don’t even have a key and he’s my son 😂but he’s been my sons stepfather for 25 years and treats him like his own son .

We both gave them massive amounts of help when they bought their house this year

I paid for all the carpets shutters & ablinds and gave them 2k in cash to buy stuff like a fridge freeezer
I gave them a budget & told them to pick what carpets & shutters they wanted and I would pay for it

One of my friends said I was interfering and going to much but her parents have never given her any help so I think that’s why she said that

If you are asking them to babysit then I think it's unkind to be thinking so negatively about them. If you are comfortable enough to have them in your house looking after your kids then it seems mean to consider the Dad doing DIY so negatively.

I think perhaps these things are the issue, rather than your father-in-law descaling your shower head.

Your father-in-law is basically a classic dad type who likes pottering about and doing little jobs to help people. My dad is exactly like this. It's not meant as a judgement on you or your home. He's just thinking "Oh, while I'm here I'll do a few bits to help them out, that'll save them the bother". Honestly, it's not a criticism of you. My guess is also that your MIL does the bulk of the babysitting effort while they're at your house, and that FIL feels like he should contribute some sort of help as well, and little DIY/household things are the arena he feels most capable in.

Once my parents came to stay at Christmas and when I got up on Boxing Day morning, I went into the kitchen and found a tape measure, a pencil graph patterned notebook with some plans drawn in them. My dad has problems sleeping and he'd got up in the night and measured up my kitchen for some space-saving shelving he thought I needed.

(To be fair, it was great shelving and a brilliant idea, but it did mean we spent part of Boxing Day at B&Q.)

@crumblingschools
why do you go to somebody's house if they are not in? Is the laundry more important than actually seeing your relative? Do they have to wait until the washing machine/tumble dryer has finished before they leave?,
So many questions indeed!😄
Ds used to work round the corner from where we live but he lived 6 miles away. Often he would go out with his dad after work for a dog walk. Although Ds and dh finish work at the same time dh works 40 mins away. So ds would be in our home alone.
Sometimes he would swing by if he was meeting his friends who live local to uslater on and it was easier to come to ours than go all the way home to come back to go back home.

I often start work at 12 or 2pm. I put the washing machine and dish washer on before I go out and dh would unload it and sort the laundry out when he came home. If ds happened to be in, he would do it for us. I suppose it's habits he got into from being a teenager when he lived at home.
It's not like we specifically put washing on if in case a random child of ours happened to drop in.

"Hey, MN, my FIL comes round to our house and does some jobs like descaling without being asked, and I'm not sure how I feel about it."

"OMG, classic narcissistic traits!"

Only on MN. 🙄

How is that pointless!? You sound so rude op.

Loool he descales your shower head??? Wow what a terrible man.

In all seriousness I'll happily adopt him as a grandparent.

Could I get his business card please?