Father in law does jobs around our house when they babysit. I hate it

[rewarrrrd]

I just find it intrusive.

They very kindly babysat the other day, we came back and he'd done a couple of (pointless) jobs in the house.

I find it slightly judgemental, like my standards aren't high enough for him so he just has to put it right.

Also annoying that he's wasting time that could be spent with his grandchildren meddling around my house!

My feelings could come from my childhood though, my grandparents moved country when I was 1, dad moved town when I was 4, and my favourite auntie moved country when I was 5. Been largely on my own ever since because I have lots of younger siblings who needed/received more attention.

@Londonrach1 child wasn’t anywhere near grandad. He preferred to spend time descaling a shower than spend time with grandchild

Think it's just personality – my mum is the type to be chit chatting with kids alongside doing stuff that needs being done, or showing them how to do it. My dad is more paternal and loves playing with/annoying & teasing little children.

I'd bloody love a relative like this, though I appreciate it doesn't mean you must.

@rewarrrrd I totally get being freaked out by people doing practical stuff for you. If you've grown up having to look after yourself then it's quite a shock that other people would actually want to help.

With your FIL, could you pick one of the things that he does that doesn't annoy you next time he does stuff, thank him profusely for that and say something like, "would it be ok if I asked you to look at something specific next time?" or "I really appreciate that you like to give us practical help, I was wondering if you could possibly look at the downstairs loo tap for us, it's been dripping (or equivalent job)?" That way he still feels useful and you feel like you have some control over things that he does. And maybe broach you and/or DH making a list with him of stuff that any of you have noticed could do with some attention.

Bloody hell. Did you get it back? 😮

My Dad won't visit unless there are jobs for him to do. He never sits down except briefly to eat a sandwich or something. He turns up with a load of tools or bits of wood and potters around fixing taps and squeaky gates, pruning trees, replacing tiles for a couple of hours and goes again. I am now his only child and I'm a single parent so he feels like this is an important way to support me. And if i didn't let him do it id never see him. When my brother was terminally ill in hospital my dad could never just visit. He'd be in and out, trying to talk to doctors or resolve problems. Worried about traffic etc. I'd sit with my brother for days just drinking cups of tea and chatting about this and that and our dad would drive for two hours, come in and pace about and leave again "to get ahead of the traffic". We used to joke that if the hospital let him put up shelves he'd be a lot happier.

My ex MIL on the other hand used to try and find things to iron or clean despite me telling her not to and I hated it. I took her insistence on doing "jobs" as a very clear criticism. I think I was always meant to be single.

Send him round here, he sounds like a godsend.

Have you never heard the saying, love is a verb?

It's a doing word, shown by actions.

When the children are a bit older they might want to help - fetch things and that sort of thing. Some of my happiest memories are planting things with my grandad. He loved to potter.

I'm in my 60s and miss that so much even now.

I really don't think that generation would see helping out as being judgemental OP. They would like to help as much as possible.

Honestly I didn't get any help like that and I would have loved for my mum to do a bit of ironing or my dad to put up a curtain rail or fix the skirting board or my in laws for that matter. I'd see helping out as love. How else do you show it? Buying gifts is risky. People on here don't like you to be too involved with the children as that's seen as intrusive and 'you've had your turn'. Doing nothing is seen as being a drain on busy parents. It's very hard to get it right but your FiL sounds like he is trying to at least.

I agree. And yes, you can send him my way - I really miss having my DF to do things around the house for me.

He painted the furniture! OMG, that's hilarious.

When my children were young, my inlaws would deep clean my house when we went on holiday. I chose not to over think it and instead enjoy coming home to a clean home.

That's a fair point. I did try to address it head-on with her, though I was a young, conflict avoidant people pleaser at the time and she may well have not understood what I was saying (my suspicion is that she didn't want to hear what I was saying, but perhaps I'm being unfair).

The relief I felt at getting her to back off was physically palpable - feeling at home in my own home again, even when she was there.

And there's no need to dread being a mother in law. Even if your DiL is sarcastic with you from time to time, as you figure out your boundaries with eachother, it's hardly the end of the world.

No, you're clearly not. Please don't take.comments like this to heart.

Yes, the OP's uncertainty about her FIL's behaviour definitely, absolutely, emphatically requires another poster to yell 'omg he's obviously a narcissicist'. Yes, that was staggeringly helpful. Well done. 🙄

I wouldn’t mind someone doing odd jobs (putting dishes away, running the hoover or mop over) but i absolutely hate when my MIL does my laundry. I came home once after (one of the very few times) she baby sat and wet thongs were on my radiator. I was mortified. So was DH! 🥴

my parents are like this, they mean well but it is annoying!

They won't stop though, I've asked them many times....

Now I just "direct" them in a way that I find vaguely helpful, by leaving a list of chores and giving my mum free rein over the garden. I even gather up a pile of "ironing" before they come for my mum to do (very few of our clothes actually need ironing lol)

A lot of people will say you are being unreasonable, and that you should be grateful, but this is totally intrusive!

You asked for the kids to be looked after, what were they doing while he did these little jobs?

A lot of people get out of babysitting by doing housework. My mother in law is as intrusive as they get, I despise this.

I would just tell him that you don't want him doing these jobs in the future

Send him to my house I’ll gladly take the jobs

Both my in laws and my parents do jobs for me when they come to babysit. Me and my husband both work and we have 3 dc. They just want to hell and by them doing it they know they are taking the pressure off me a little bit. I’m extremely grateful to have them. I don’t think for one minute he will be doing it maliciously because he doesn’t think your standards aren’t good enough he will think he is helping.

Totally depends on how they are and I know where you are coming from. My mum will do jobs like empty the dishwasher or put the washing out that are clearly helpful I would need to do.

My MIL (not that we are currently speak due to lots of other issues!)..very rarely when she would look after them at ours instead of carting them to theirs and back which they much prefer, will go through my kitchen drawers and re-organise them.. I find this intrusive and don’t like her looking through paperwork etc!
Father in law last time cleaned and re-organised the fridge. Probably wouldn’t feel so judged except they openly talk about how other people are messy all of the time and their house actually looks tidier than a show home so no doubt they do the same about us.

Your love language obviously isn’t acts of service, I really don’t think it’s from a place of judgement, he just likes to tinker. I would love nothing more than to have someone do pointless jobs for me, it would make me feel so cared for. My mum hated doing any kinds of acts of service, so I never felt loved by her. You are both just speaking different love languages.

PILs just can't win, can they?

Please send him my way to look after dc and do jobs! X

My parents used to come to stay for a couple of weeks in the summer to mind ds, Mum would often message me to ask did I mind if she did the ironing/washed the windows/etc. I always said go ahead!
Probably better if FiL asks first but I would still be delighted