Father in law does jobs around our house when they babysit. I hate it

[rewarrrrd]

I just find it intrusive.

They very kindly babysat the other day, we came back and he'd done a couple of (pointless) jobs in the house.

I find it slightly judgemental, like my standards aren't high enough for him so he just has to put it right.

Also annoying that he's wasting time that could be spent with his grandchildren meddling around my house!

My feelings could come from my childhood though, my grandparents moved country when I was 1, dad moved town when I was 4, and my favourite auntie moved country when I was 5. Been largely on my own ever since because I have lots of younger siblings who needed/received more attention.

Didn't want to list the recent jobs, I'm overly paranoid about being outed and causing unnecessary offence and upset

Translation: I won't accept I was being unreasonable and posted here for a boost. Sorry mate, not how this works.

You’re right. It would be unnecessary. He’s being kind in the way he knows how.

@AllPrincessAnneshorses what are you on about

I'd give anything for my Dad to come and aimlessly fix things again. YABU, it's a form of showing love. He could of even had the grandkids helping him. My dad used to love doing that stuff with my kids. I miss him.

You. Are. Being. Unreasonable. Coming here and refusing to see an alternative view is unreasonable.

Clear now?

👍🏻

Just because you were happy with it though doesn't mean that others ABU to not want it.

Plus your dad doing stuff with your kids is obviously different to Op's doing stuff instead of being with his GCs.

@rewarrrrd ignore the goady posters. I don’t know why people get off on writing this nonsense online 🤷‍♀️

glad you’ve managed to rethink your FIL’s actions in light of posters comments. There are so many people who don’t/wont/can’t do that.

my DH’s aunt gets right under my feet in the kitchen. It’s her safe space. And now I’ve come to accept it, it’s really useful, especially given I only see her at large family gatherings. I think she’s like me (a bit overwhelmed by socialising) and uses the kitchen as a way to contribute and chat to people in smaller numbers.

I guess my point is more along the lines of he's not doing it with anything other then good intentions. And one day, you may miss coming back to that. It's not worth causing a rift over.

Certainly won't be causing any rifts, no way, no how.

Not least because my kids adore them but I really am not like that. Just occasionally need a vent on here.

Also want to say thanks for all the kind messages, it's been helpful.

Op has said she can see it from the other side now, and will try and reframe it. How is that not seeing an alternative view? Strange (and weirdly angry) comment.

First of all, she hasn't caused a rift. She hasn't even said anything to him about it. Secondly, someone having good intentions doesn't make it ok to just do whatever they think you might appreciate or what they think you need. Saying you did something "out of love" isn't an automatic pass to do what you think is best for someone else and for the recipient to be ok with it. It really isn't. Respecting someone's right to make choices about their own home shouldn't be a hard concept to grasp.

Not an in law as mine lived too far away but when my parents visited when DC were little and I was a lone parent DM loved to babysit or just play with DC, DF loved DC but wasn’t great at playing with them so he would either ask or find jobs to do
Things like weeding, clearing the gutters or drains, power washing the patio n drive even cleaning windows
He was happiest outside and as they grew DC would go and help him
I miss him dearly

As with lots of relationships, it’s never straightforward is it? My mum used to be sweet and loving. Old age has made her blunt and uncompromising and sometimes incredibly judgmental (told me I’d ruined my life when I told her I was pregnant aged 33 😂😂). I just try to see, remember and bring out the good in her, which is easier done some days than others!

Send him my way please! Since DD joined us my 'man to do list' has grown arms and legs. Pre DD the DIY in the house was done by me as DH is handless (by his own admission!) and sadly we don't have a handy grandad between us 💖

I've definitely reached the chapter in my life where I have men to do various things in my phone!

I'm with you op. I think it's rude to take it upon yourself to do handiwork or cleaning in someone else's home unless otherwise agreed.

@DAZZlanch my mum happily told me I I had put on weight, to put make up on etc but as crazy as it sounds it wasn't hurtful.

I agree with posters saying YABU - he's doing it to show love - his love language will be acts of service!

I do too.

I also don't necessarily think that it's a comment on the people who the work has been done for.

More the person who does it!

I understand your pov. If you've always done things yourself, had minimal input/support then someone doing something for you probably does feel like a judgement.

I agree with others, FIL wants to be useful and this is how he shows he cares for you and his son's family.

Next time he does something for you, look at him and thank him sincerely. Watch his eyes light up, he might even crack a smile. Watch closely. He won't give too much away,I guess he's probably not very demonstrative.

You'll make his day ❤️

Also remember you are worth someone's time and effort.

I can kind of get where you are coming from, it drives me mad when my MIL comes and cleans my house, when I have just cleaned it. It does feel a bit judgemental, but she is a judgemental person, so maybe that's why it feels like that!
My FIL was a lovely man (sadly passed) and he would do odd jobs out of a genuine wish to be helpful, and also as he struggles to sit still. Same for my Dad, and I massively appreciated it.

The difference was that they did things which needed doing, and they were kind laid back people in general. I think we view an action in way we view the person doing it.

Be kind to yourself and try to accept that the help is coming from a kind place, and that you deserve that kindness

Another who thinks YABU.
I can't put it better than the very first reply on P1.

Its how certain men show love and a child love to Potter behind them. Yabu