Father in law does jobs around our house when they babysit. I hate it

[rewarrrrd]

I just find it intrusive.

They very kindly babysat the other day, we came back and he'd done a couple of (pointless) jobs in the house.

I find it slightly judgemental, like my standards aren't high enough for him so he just has to put it right.

Also annoying that he's wasting time that could be spent with his grandchildren meddling around my house!

My feelings could come from my childhood though, my grandparents moved country when I was 1, dad moved town when I was 4, and my favourite auntie moved country when I was 5. Been largely on my own ever since because I have lots of younger siblings who needed/received more attention.

redboxer321 · Today 13:24
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I get it @rewarrrrd
You've asked him/he's offered to do something - spend time with his grandkids - but he's knows better than you and has done something else”

Otherwise known as providing free childcare.

Why would someone be sniffing around a laundry basket?!

spanieleyes · Today 16:09
Think yourself lucky, my father looked after my dog in my home whilst I went on holiday for a week. When I got back, he had EMPLOYED someone to renovate the downstairs toilet, including replacing the sanitary ware, tiling, painting and replacing the flooring. Apparently he had booked them months ago when I first asked him to dog sit”

Win win, I’d say. Free dogsitting for a week and a new loo. Bloody hell! Be honest, did it need doing?

It was mutually beneficial, they love spending time with our kids, they actually offered that particular afternoon

My lovely FIL was the same. Always looking for something to fix. In the end we used to save a few jobs that we needed doing (leaky tap etc) for when he came round. There's no malice in it, just a way of showing they care.

Pondering about that. How do I feel about someone turning up bearing biscuits or a bottle of wine? They’re being judgemental, suggesting I don’t have adequate supplies. I haven't asked them to bring something. I may not want the biscuits or wine - not my taste,or too much in stock.They should have asked first. No respect for boundaries.

Or it could be a kind gesture. Maybe the kindness deserves gratitude even if the the wine or biscuits or job done doesn’t.

I kind of get it. My mum cooks for us sometimes but it sort of feels like she’s doing it because she thinks I’m not going to cook my kids meals that are as good as hers. I’m a solo mum and I work full time so I think that’s where my insecurity comes from - I can and do look after them really well. That isn’t what it is though. Like others have said, it’s her way of showing she cares because she can’t say it. I get being annoyed by it though!

Doing someone a favour does not mean you can do other "favours" they didn't ask for or whatever the fuck else you want to do.

It was mutually beneficial, they love spending time with our kids, they actually offered that particular afternoon”

Maybe he doesn’t, quite so much. Hence the shower head.

@redboxer321 you may have something there.

It's hard to tell!

So it's OK to offload it all onto someone who is trying to help?

Alrighty then. 🤔

@DAZZlanch I would have happily let my mum "help out" even if I didn't need it because she genuinely wanted to help and was sweet and loving and kind and never judged or said a bad word.

Mil is judgemental and unkind and constantly says bad words.

Sorry, but where have I offloaded anything onto anyone?

Send him round

I'm desperate for a handy man 😂I've got tons of little jobs to do, loose paving stone, sanding stuff painting...

I have no one to do them and I will need to buy help in but even I can understand if op unhappy.

Ah, but that's OPs right. Old people should just do as they are told then piss off. Got it.

@AllPrincessAnneshorses Are you ok?

I wonder what the next generation of grandparents will be like? The presumption here is that FIL is doing DIY as he is a man and childcare is something completely alien to him, and many posters say their dad/FIL is the same.

I'm wondering how old he is.

Probably about my age-60.

I'd be very surprised if a man of that age hadn't been a hands on dad.

65 and wasn't. He was and still is very career focused. Very successful in his field, traditional gender roles at home.

All your feelings about yourself and your history get dumped on him. Deal with them and stop making massive and unwarranted assumptions based on no evidence.

And the disingenuous response is annoying as f, now we're talking,

my dad is the same - it’s his love language. Checks the car, does DIY, the garden etc. he also knows how busy it is with small kids and to him it’s how he helps! Same as my mom who brings dinners etc. of course if it feels intrusive say it, but he could judge silently, sounds more like he’s trying to be lovely !

I haven't dumped anything at all on him.

You're making things up for drama.

YANBU about not wanting him/anyone the jobs around your house.
YABU for not telling us what the jobs are.
YABU for considering descaling a shower pointless.
YABU for thinking he is judging you.

Fine thanks. Until you started patronising me. Stop it.