Father in law does jobs around our house when they babysit. I hate it

[rewarrrrd]

I just find it intrusive.

They very kindly babysat the other day, we came back and he'd done a couple of (pointless) jobs in the house.

I find it slightly judgemental, like my standards aren't high enough for him so he just has to put it right.

Also annoying that he's wasting time that could be spent with his grandchildren meddling around my house!

My feelings could come from my childhood though, my grandparents moved country when I was 1, dad moved town when I was 4, and my favourite auntie moved country when I was 5. Been largely on my own ever since because I have lots of younger siblings who needed/received more attention.

I’d see it as an act of love from him.

If you haven't had to work out why a seemingly kind act by another person has a negative effect on you, then you should count yourself lucky

I don't think the OP was not sure about how she felt either but she's softened now as some posters have basically told her she's making a fuss.

Only on MN 🙄

I wonder what the next generation of grandparents will be like? The presumption here is that FIL is doing DIY as he is a man and childcare is something completely alien to him, and many posters say their dad/FIL is the same.

But hopefully gender roles aren’t quite so distinct going forward. DH is a very hands on dad and in fact DIY is completely alien to him (and me!). So if we ever become grandparents and visit DC, it will be very much with grandparent hat on and not disappearing to do DIY.

OP, are you familiar with the 5 love languages? Worth looking it up. Sounds like your FIL is an Acts of Service chap...shows his love by doing things for you.

He loves you all, he’s just trying to do grandad things to help.

Honestly, my FIL will be up at 6am doing ‘pointless’ jobs- basically things I can totally live with (think painting our gate, cleaning the shed window, raking the lawn) but he does it to show he cares and is useful (his wife is the one who takes charge with the baby), it’s done with love and not judgement, his house is far from perfect - he’d paint our gate before his own!

Lots of people are saying this comes from a place of love. Yes, but respect is also quite vital and shouldn't be hard to add. It's respect for someone's space which may be not just your D Relative's (who does have a connection with the person doing the job or rolling their sleeves up to descale the shower), but perhaps their partner/ housemate/ family, so it's not just about how the DP(IL)s feel there. It's good manners to ask if you can help or if they would mind you doing X.

It feels a bit like serving up everything you've cooked on a plate or adding milk and sugar automatically to a hot drink if someone's visiting because it's all so extra nice - asking would be something that makes everyone happier and respects their preferences. Some space just is not for treating as your own or rearranging to someone else's taste.

DMil has, in the past, replaced a gate without asking or saying anything (I mentioned that we might be looking to do that, having moved), pulled up weeds, which were admittedly pretty bad but also had herbs among them, and various other things. Unfortunately it leads to being more protective of your space, not 'won over' to someone other than the homeowner being the only one who can really be trusted to do things to the standard they are expecting.

First reply nailed it 🙌🏻

totally understand op

"It's a shame that your insecurities etc made you look at this in such a sad negative light"

This is one of the most unhinged comments I've seen on Mumsnet in nearly 20 years of membership.

What a #cumbag. Go no contact as quickly as possible. You deserve so much better than this.

It's just what dad's of a certain age often do. They can't help themselves - my dad would come over and prune the apple trees, pot up some plants, fix a tap. He'd notice something else to do and next time he'd being the tools for that job. It's love not judgement. My dad's not with us anymore so please send your FIL over!

I find most of the responses to this thread baffling. Why should the op be grateful for someone doing things, without permission, in her home, that she didn't want them to do? That doesn't make her ungrateful. Her father-in-law has no respect for boundaries. If he asked if he could help with certain things, that would be completely different. It's not his bloody house.

I'm wondering for the first time whether I was seen as a judgemental cow when I stayed at a friend's house while she was away and noticed the dishwasher wasn't doing a very good job - took the bits out of the middle and cleaned out some disgusting gunk. To me, it was just something that friend hadn't realised needed doing, and I was doing her a favour. (I didn't tell her but her DD came in while I was cleaning it so may have told her.)

This is the same as a mother/ in law cleaning etc. He's meddling.

The suggestion to give him a list of jobs to do is original and inspired. See how he enjoys those.

If he keeps free ranging, get his son to talk to him: his dad, his problem.

My MIL, who I love and usually get on well with, furnishes our house with crap whenever I go to work. Most inconveniently with an old, dirty, shaggy, bright red rug, which we paid for the council to come and collect. Most pointlessly, with a plastic paperweight, that she proudly told me only cost her 10p. Most recently with a decorative teatowel of a holiday destination, which had for some reason been stuck to our bathroom wall. My OH tells me she was complaining today as I took it down!! Apparently, she "thought it looked nice" 😂😟. There has also been a metal garden chair left in the livingroom today. I do find it irksome, but try to see past it as it comes from a kind place. Some of the MILs I read about here on MN are much worse!

Op I agree- leave a list, smiley face at the end and so they don’t call you a cf😉😅

I may have missed it but clearly fil is op husbands dad. I guess if dh doesn't mind there's no problem after all it's his house as well. He is allowing his dad to do stuff and if he didn't want it he would tell him.

They are also doing her a favour by babysitting

Who would be an in law?

Ofgs men really are useless”

What’s useless about descaling a shower head? Grotty job. Wish someone would do ours.

whatwhatwhot · Today 15:18
My MIL was dog sitting for a few days and did my laundry. I am still mad - she put a bright yellow jumper in with darks and every time I look at it, I feel sad. because i got it in the sale and loved it. And now it is a dull yellow. Why couldn't she stay the fuck out of my laundry basket?”

Perhaps your laundry basket stank? I wouldn’t go away and leave dirty laundry with a house-sitter there 🤷‍♀️

@Maddy70 and that was the help OP wanted and I assumed asked for. It’s quite simple.

Ask him not to do anything, but I would do it politley as he is probably just trying his best to help out.
As for spending time with the children, he may well still have plenty of time to spend with them or could be involving them and/or may need something to break up the day. I love spending time with children but I couldn't just spend a full day with them doing nothing else. Unless we are out for the day I need to go off a couple of times and do some cleaning or rearranging.

@MrsSkylerWhite our laundry basket for dirty laundry is in our bedroom. It never smells. But I wouldn’t be expecting anyone to be nosing around in our bedroom whilst we weren’t there. Likewise I would never go into anyone else’s bedroom unless asked