Father in law does jobs around our house when they babysit. I hate it

[rewarrrrd]

I just find it intrusive.

They very kindly babysat the other day, we came back and he'd done a couple of (pointless) jobs in the house.

I find it slightly judgemental, like my standards aren't high enough for him so he just has to put it right.

Also annoying that he's wasting time that could be spent with his grandchildren meddling around my house!

My feelings could come from my childhood though, my grandparents moved country when I was 1, dad moved town when I was 4, and my favourite auntie moved country when I was 5. Been largely on my own ever since because I have lots of younger siblings who needed/received more attention.

❤️

I'd love to descale a shower head. I did mine the other day and it was a satisfying 20mins.

I think some people like to feel useful. My mum came over and pruned some lavender bushes last week - she can't leave a brown wheelie bin unfilled.

I think your fil would quite like a list to work from.

I really wish I had someone like your FIL. So many jobs needing doing here that don't get done because I don't have anyone to help and can't do it on my own. My dad used to help but stopped driving. It would be my dream to have your problem!

As I grew up my Dad was always around but I don't recall ever really having a conversation. As a young adult, the first time i drove home he greeted me at the door then went into the garden and i stayed talking to Mum. It really pissed me off but that was the way he was. When I went to leave, my car had been hosed down. That became our routine, I'd arrive, be ignored and drive home in a clean car. My mum and aunt told me that was how he showed love. I think your FIL sounds great OP and I think most people remember very well how hard it is to stay on top of things when children are young and he wants to help. As a PPs says maybe make him a list, he might be delighted with the guidance.

My DF used to do this at our house and my DH thought it was really strange. As he’s got the older and frailer, he doesn’t do them anymore, and we both really miss it!! It was never intended as a criticism on us, just a way my dad could help us out, plus he enjoyed fixing things.

Sorry, just reread & see that they were babysitting not visiting.

How does your husband feel about it?

send him round to mine - he can judge me all he wants as he fixes things. I'll cook him whatever he enjoys eating while he does it.

This is completely a sign of love. So lap it up! He loves you and his family 😀

i read this as totally done from love and no judgement. He’s just helping you do those periodic maintenance jobs that make the house run that bit more smoothly. Some people’s love language is acts of service.

He can pass judgement all he likes at my house - if he gets jobs done then that’s fantastic! Thanks for the help!

@rewarrrrd unless there's a backstory take it as done out of love.
My dad can't cope with a day of cups of tea and playing with the kids. He'd never say he loves me, but shows it through actions. He's 76.
He would (and did) tow my car 300 miles to get it fixed, checks the tread on my car tires and gives me a nudge if they need fixing, helps the kids fix bikes etc, sharpens saw blades, cuts the lawn.....
I'm perfectly capable of doing most of the above and he knows it, but he also likes helping, is very practical and cant sit still doing nothing.
I need a job list to get him to stay more than a couple of nights!

I kind of get it, my DH’s family was like this. In fact when we had our first house in our early 20’s my DH’s grandmother picked up the keys from the estate agents for us as we were both working. When she handed them over to us she said she had got sets cut for the whole family and already distributed them for us! She also used to pop in when we were in work and do our laundry, tidying and cleaning unasked!

It really bothered me at the time as I found it judgemental and intrusive but it definitely came from a place of love. She has long since passed but now that I have a house full of teenagers and pets I’d give anything for that intrusion now!

I'd ask him to do things you actually need done. So many men at a loose end when they retire. It's not really the worse thing in the world, is it, to have a handyman FIL? Perhaps if you ask him if he minds stripping wallpaper or repainting the entire stairwell it might knock the enthusiasm out of him!

OP, I get it, I truly do. I have a FIL who can’t sit still.

For jobs like cleaning the bathroom - I try and just think he’s being kind and trying to help.

For jobs like putting up a shelf - I’ve had to tell him what the boundaries are and not to go ahead changing the structure of my house without asking 😂

But while I’m grateful for help, I didn’t ask for it and so it is annoying at times, especially if you’re not used to family just being all up in your space.

You’re definitely not a horrible person!

Send him my way. I’ve got lots of pointless jobs. I have to do it all myself

This, totally. I am touched that the OP has reframed, and it's also reminded me that my own DH is doing things out of love rather than because he fancies doing them, which I sometimes unjustly feel.

Some people can't sit still and if they were both at yours babysitting it's likely that your MIL was in childcare mode and it was seen as "her job". It may even be the case that he was told to find something else to do. Which in his own house he could probably do in an instant, in yours he's potentially casting around to find some small jobs that will add value.

For many it's a sign of love and to be quite honest, unless he starts to completely overstep the mark without asking I'd take it as one rather than judgement. MIL does this sort of thing constantly in my house but totally oversteps on occasion. I've learned to let it go in the interests of family harmony and it's mostly well meant.

I totally understand how you feel! I had a difficult upbringing and have found it very hard to accept help as an adult with my own home and children. My FIL is exactly like yours, he is always looking for little jobs (fixing hinges on cupboard doors, cleaning the BBQ, resealing the sink etc etc). At one stage I’d also have felt judged but with lots of therapy I can now embrace all of this as his way of showing that he loves us and trying to support us. I think the way you’ve been able to learn from other posters and change your opinion is amazing ❤️

Oh how I wished I had loving in-laws ❤️ my fil only came and took my car in the middle of the night after I had left his son! It was my only means to get to work and drop our son off at school! It was my car which I bought but he still took it with my ex husbands spare keys!

YANBU I hate this too. My mum in particular is always fussing around doing / cleaning something and I see it as a criticism of my housekeeping (which it is, because I am not up to her standards and she has been vocal of this in the past). It means that I am on edge whenever they visit. She complains about not seeing her grandchild enough and then wastes her time dusting shit that doesn’t need dusting rather than enjoy the time with her

Last time she visited she told me I am ‘too independent’… i’m 34 and married with a child, mortgage and career… I think it would be more of a problem if I wasn’t independent at this stage

This reminds me of the grumpy father in Trying. He's a curmudgeonly old bastard but he communicates his love for his son and DIL by doing practical jobs for them, without being asked to, because he knows they are stressed about going through the adoption process and don't have much spare money. So he just looks around for something that needs doing and gets on with it.

If anyone hasn't seen that show by the way, then do watch it. It's just lovely.

Be grateful. People helping you for free and without being coerced is really a blessing. And babysitting too!!

Since my mother died 20+ years ago, my father doesn’t care to visit/contact me and has met his grandchildren barely any times. In-laws are absolutely unhelpful. MIL acts like a fucking duchess and expects to be waited on. FIL was raised in the distant, polite, Prince Charles mode.

Please send your in-laws my way 😂