Father in law does jobs around our house when they babysit. I hate it

[rewarrrrd]

I just find it intrusive.

They very kindly babysat the other day, we came back and he'd done a couple of (pointless) jobs in the house.

I find it slightly judgemental, like my standards aren't high enough for him so he just has to put it right.

Also annoying that he's wasting time that could be spent with his grandchildren meddling around my house!

My feelings could come from my childhood though, my grandparents moved country when I was 1, dad moved town when I was 4, and my favourite auntie moved country when I was 5. Been largely on my own ever since because I have lots of younger siblings who needed/received more attention.

My parents look after the kids once a week and my dad is always tinkering away at the house. Whether that’s repainting an area of the wall which has stains, fixing a loose handle or emptying the bins. He’s just doing it because that’s their way of showing they care and he clearly can’t sit still either. TBH it’s brilliant, but I do feel a little bit ashamed/guilty that we haven’t gone on with it and he’s ending up doing it all….so I know where you are coming from and the feeling of losing a bit of independence.

Enjoy the free handyman around the house and be glad you don’t have to do those odd jobs.

Blimey, I wish a relative would rock up here doing some DIY.

No snide comments from OP's FIL

My dad is like this. I have a wonderful relationship with him, and also know his 'fixing' comes from a good place.

I used to come home to my borders being weeded and edges done. It was his way of being loving and helping me. My mum would cook me meals, dad would fix or sort something.

How strange your wording and thoughts are. Growing up with loving parents/relatives isn't the same as "having help". Even if it's help, it's what all children (and adults tbh) are entitled to. @popcornbit

I can't make head nor tail of this

Can you send him round to my house

I haven’t done mine once in twelve years!

YABU, he means well and I guess if you don’t like it ask your DH to have a word.

My f’n’lsw used to do this sort of thing. I would visit and find my shoes cleaned and polished and at the door by the end of the visit. Or he would come over and I would find him taking leaves in the garden.
its definately your f’n’laws way of showing love.
my f’n’law passed and I miss him and his random acts of kindness - I think it’s very thoughtful to try and help people we love

What's hard to understand about it?

You talked about being mostly left alone since you were 1-4 years old, then said "I just haven't grown up in a house where I've ever had any help. It's alien to me".

I was just struck by how you see a very young child being taken care of/parented (i.e. a normal experience which should be taken for granted) as the child being granted "help". It's just an odd way of thinking to me. Very few children can manage on their own (and turn out normal). It's not help – it's just growing up normally, being taken care of and fussed over (to a certain extent), no?

I kind of meant help in teen / adult years.

I was given bare minimum parenting as a child and I was also a parent to my younger siblings.

I wasn't completely neglected or anything like that. Though emotionally, I suppose I was!

He will love your DCs but probably is from a generation that never cared for his own DCs hands on and won’t have a clue. He’ll also be really bored and be one of those that has to be busy tinkering so he’s filling the day in, in a way he thinks is useful to you.
Get a list of stuff for him to do next time, when your DCs are older they’ll love following him about with hammers and nails fixing stuff and then he’ll really interact with them

I could have written this a few years ago! My FIL would come over to babysit and then I’d find the dishes had been washed- as well as grateful I was worried he’d think I’m dirty and my house isn’t “looked after”. Or if he took my rubbish out I’d wonder if he thought the house smelt or it should have been taken out sooner. My parents always helped me but not with housework. I realised this is my FIL’s love language and now I frequently ask him to take the dog for a walk or fix things my husband has been putting off. I’m glad PP’s have managed to change your mind OP. Now enjoy it and get that list ready.

I still look at the shelf my late FIL put up in the wall 8yrs ago and remember him fondly.

oh well yes that's different....also the can only talk to the women thing....I would not be having with that.

As many other posters have said, it's how a lot of men from this generation show they care!! Just think what you need doing, I love it when DFiL mends our fence/puts shelves up/paints things (especially cause DH doesn't take after him LOL)

I’m with you, OP - I mean, it’s nice that he’s willing and able to help, but to just go poking around your house looking for things to do is really overstepping!

I agree with PPs who suggested talking to him about it - suggesting some things you wouldn’t mind him helping with (or leaving a subtly placed ‘to do’ list stuck to your fridge if you can’t bear a face to face chat about it 😆)

OP I really love how you've explained your feelings and changed your view, in the light of reassurance from other posters that FIL's actions come from a loving place. And batted away some pretty harsh judgements to boot!

Good on ya, and may you have many happy years of letting your elderly Brownie (sorry, if you weren't one this won't mean anything😄) get on with those little jobs!

My Dad would have done this, it would definitely have been his way of showing me he loved me. He found it harder to interact with the children, but as they grew up, they became interested in what he was doing and developed a relationship through this love of mending things. My dad is no longer with us, but my youngest now wants to be a joiner due to the care and attention my dad showed him in developing a manual skill. I will always be grateful for that ❤️.

You don't know that they were in the playroom, do you? If it were my toddler, he'd be fascinated watching grandpa and would have a lovely time "helping" him.

YANBU, I’d ask if I wanted your help. But if you want to feel better about it I left my dad keys to feed my cat whilst we were on holiday and his (very new girlfriend) ‘sorted out’ my entire wardrobe!! It was a state I’ll admit but that felt so intrusive. God knows what was lurking in there!! I had to fake appreciation but inside I was thinking fuck youuuu!

My husband flew up to canada for 5 days about 2 months ago.. He was only going to the consulate there for some paperwork, but flights turned out cheaper for the 5 days. . Our daughter (who has a husband and herself who can be handy but both working long long hours) Was soooo thrilled to see her dad. And then she handed him a daddydo list (kind of like a hunnydo..but worse because cannot say no..at least her dad cannot.) He fixed the garage door opener that had gone on fritz.. He rehung 2 kitchen cabinet doors. He put a new sink in her basement bathroom. He also caulked around all the windows ( on his on merit..as he said that too much cold would get in over winter) . He came home here exhausted. I asked if he could figure out why the outside tap was not working. He looked at me like I had two heads lol..and called the maintenance guy that we have used. Men. (but awesome father and husband so just really being lighthearted) Take the help OP unless he is intruding in your personal space .. If he is just fixing a few things, he is trying to show his love

Tbh I would be very happily if my ILs wanted to do anything else than having that odd obsession to hold and feed newborn baby as "helping".
I started telling them what I need help with but they did not like it lol.

My dad loves working around the house. As idiotic as that saying is but acts of service are his "love language". It's a blessing!

He’ll also be really bored and be one of those that has to be busy tinkering so he’s filling the day in, in a way he thinks is useful to you.

His boredom isn't Op's problem though.

Neither is it up to decide what is useful to Op.

Honestly, if he's that bored why does he bother to go?

I wonder how he would feel if someone did odd jobs in his house or if he does it when visiting friends?

I think it's really rude to visit & just piss off looking for stuff to do because you can't be "bored" for an hour or two at someone else's house.

Do you know what "up yourself" means?

Cos your post reads like you really don't know what it means.