To hate my husband

[Louisa90]

DH and I have been together 15 years, married 7. We have a 6 year old DD and 3 year old DS. Our relationship was great until kids came along, obviously my priorities changed and wasn't into going out much anymore. DH still carried on working late, hobbies, meeting up with friends etc so I just felt completely alone.

I honestly thought that I would love him forever but I really dislike him. He makes me feel so bad all the time and like I am worthless. I really do try my absolute best to do everything. I went out on Saturday with my friends for the first time in ages and I came back and the house was very tidy and he asked me how I never managed to do it :(.

He constantly makes vile comments like, fancy giving me a BJ, quicky etc but I just cant bring myself to do it. As soon as we wake up in the morning he is trying to touch me etc whilst my youngest is there and I find myself getting up earlier just to avoid it. He said he has never known anybody who dislikes sex as much as me and it is becoming a problem.

I am so unhappy and dont really know what to do. Sorry if it seems this post is a bit all over the place but its hard to get everything down.

We went to counselling after my first child was born but the counsellor just seemed to agree with everything he said and he just said I told you you are the issue so I cant do that again.

Having kids doesn't mean you have to give up everything.

I dont really know what to say to help really, but it does seem that you have given up on your relationship somewhat.

No I am aware of that and I do try to meet up with friends at least once a month but DH works until 19:30 everyday, plays sport after work 2 nights per week. watches football and goes out with friends most weekends. I have built up resentment as I would like to spend more time as a family as I just feel so alone.

I have had the kids non stop over the holidays as I only I could get time off and because I went out on Saturday and he managed to clean the house he questioned why I couldnt do it. If I just had to clean then fair enough but there are so many other things to do like washing clothes, walking the dog and all the other mundane stuff that he never even thinks about

Sadly sounds like both of you have just fallen out of love here. Do either of you want to make a go of saving it? Or do you think it's best to separate and move on? You need to make a call on this - sounds like it wouldn't change much for him if he's busy having his own life anyway and isn't home much.

Have you sat down and discussed all of this with him?

It seems you have emotionally withdrawn from him and there is no intimacy.

What would your life look like if you split up?

Would you be happier?

He's unlikely to change and the lack of intimacy is likely to lead to him looking elsewhere.

With neither of you feeling fulfilled or happy then perhaps a split is inevitable.

he says he loves me but eventually he is going to give up. I used to love him with all my heart but since the children have been born and the lack of support etc it has just made me resent him.

I disagree that it's your responsibility to "work on the relationship" (which would pretty much amount to performing sex acts you don't want, as your husband doesn't seem to be asking for much else).

The relationship has soured because your husband treats you like a domestic appliance, pursues his own interests and social life like a single man and leaves you to do all the shitwork. No woman would feel like being loving and intimate with someone who makes so little effort. It's not you.

I think if you actually hate him, it’s highly unlikely to come back from that.

I feel guilty though, I feel guilty that I dont want to be intimate with him. I have tried so hard the past few years and just feel like I have given up. My mum has even noticed that I pretty much do everything by myself and she said he talks down to her too, trying to find blame wont help I suppose the relationship has just ran its course.

He will say maybe he should find somebody else or bring a third party into the relationship and it doesn't even hurt me. I never know what time he is coming home from work and he doesnt think he needs to let me know, I do all the pick ups/drops offs with the kids and I am the one who has to deal with it if they are ill etc as I WFH. He earns considerable more than me but we still couldnt manage without my wage and I am so lucky to be in the position I am in with WFH etc so do consider my job important.

Oh OP, he checked out of your relationship once you had DC. It seems he only sees you as a sex tool.

the constant criticism is abuse. Just start divorce proceedings- life will be better without this sex pest who constantly criticizes you.

I have also put a few pounds on the past few months (too much wine! haha) but the other day he was wobbling my double chin and I felt so rubbish. He also put his hand somewhere and made me smell it (smelt like arse if I am honest) but it was completely and utterly disgusting.

He also farts 6 thousand times a day and it absolutely stinks, how am I supposed to be attracted to that? he seems to think nothing would change how he felt about me and would always find me attractive but I think he is wrong.

He's vile. Nobody treats someone they love, the way he treats you. He takes you utterly for granted and wants sex on demand as though it were a service he was subscribing to, not an act of mutual desire and love. Yuk.

Yeh it doesn’t sound like he’d inspire your lady garden with his nonsense. Pity he hasn’t realised that he’ll have a lot less time on hands when you’re divorced and he’s got the kids on his own up to 50% of the time and has to do housework more than one night in a blue moon.

So would I with the approaches he uses

He's a selfish pig frankly

If you can afford counselling, go on your own. It may be a revelation

He's not even trying to fix it, is he?

I really don't want people to think that I gave up on my relationship too easily. I really haven't. I have tried my absolute hardest for 6 years and now I have nothing left, I have thought about being miserable for the rest of my life if it benefits the kids but I dont think that will help anybody.

Get counselling

No-one would willingly put up with him

Start planning

He criticises you regularly, doesn’t invest in the relationship, treats you like a sex toy and touches you inappropriately with your children in the room. When will you prioritise your wellbeing and subsequently your children’s wellbeing, and end this marriage?

You need to start making plans OP. You get one life, do not waste it being unhappy.
He sounds like just another nobhead who thinks that all you are good for is sex and the kids/housework. He won't change and this is not a good model for your children to grow up with.
They deserve a happy, content mum. You will never be that with this man.

To be fair, it sounds like you gave up because he is vile.

Not because you have kids. Though I suspect you have overlooked his behaviour for quite a while because you had a desire to have a child and then wanted another. The youngest isn’t a baby anymore and you are realising how awful he is.

Not sure there's anything left there. He wld need to change massively! It's probably the most common reasons that people divorce.

It sounds like his life stayed the same when the kids were born. Does he actually help out with the kids at all?

Nothing is more of a turn off than being a sex pest! He will either be devastated if you go ahead and divorce or he'll find his next skivvy very quickly!

The kids are young so they will adjust more quickly now than years down the line.

If I were u I would be making plans and looking at finances etc to see what u cld afford re house etc. U can always try one of those websites that give u an idea if u are due any additional benefits. Especially if your paying for youngest at nursery.