To hate my husband

[Louisa90]

DH and I have been together 15 years, married 7. We have a 6 year old DD and 3 year old DS. Our relationship was great until kids came along, obviously my priorities changed and wasn't into going out much anymore. DH still carried on working late, hobbies, meeting up with friends etc so I just felt completely alone.

I honestly thought that I would love him forever but I really dislike him. He makes me feel so bad all the time and like I am worthless. I really do try my absolute best to do everything. I went out on Saturday with my friends for the first time in ages and I came back and the house was very tidy and he asked me how I never managed to do it :(.

He constantly makes vile comments like, fancy giving me a BJ, quicky etc but I just cant bring myself to do it. As soon as we wake up in the morning he is trying to touch me etc whilst my youngest is there and I find myself getting up earlier just to avoid it. He said he has never known anybody who dislikes sex as much as me and it is becoming a problem.

I am so unhappy and dont really know what to do. Sorry if it seems this post is a bit all over the place but its hard to get everything down.

He sounds a lot like my first husband. He also demanded BJs, berated me for my low sex drive, treated me like I was nothing more than a hole and domestic slave.

I left him. It turns out I have a MASSIVE sex drive (other than when I'm pregnant). It turns out that having a lovely man, who cares about me, is considerate and affectionate and supportive, is all I need. Who knew?!

Your DH sounds absolutely vile.

Just leave him them. I’m not sure what the dilemma is if you hate him.

Jesus, I could have written this post. You are describing my situation.

@Louisa90

IMH) you've crossed the Rubicon and there's no going back, and I don't think you'd want to go back anyway.

He sounds like a selfish prick who wants to live the 'bachelor life' with you facilitating him never having any family responsibilities whilst providing sex on demand. Saying it's "The Ick" wouldn't even begin to cover how sick I felt every time I looked at him.

See a solicitor and find out what divorce might mean to you financially and wrt child access. It doesn't mean you have to 'do anything' right now, you're just educating yourself about how a divorce might work.

Also, visualize yourself in a life without him. Be realistic, but picture your day to day life, with all the highs and lows single parenting brings, and see what that looks like. He will have no place there. It will be only your home with your children. I think you may find it appears as living in a place of calm. Busier, yes, because you'll be doing it all yourself. But calmer because you won't have the added weight of resentment and anger that he's not carrying his load AND that he is treating you so disrespectfully.

Your children will be fine, because they will have you to love and guide them.

He's a vile pig who ignores your needs, puts you down and wouldn't think twice bout cheating on you. Why would you feel inspired to try to fix the impossible with he way he behaves?

His behaviour isn't good enough. I think the idea that men feel left out when babies are born and that, somehow, is a woman's "fault" is abhorrent. Men are grown up humans and have to take their responsibilities seriously. That includes having emotional intelligence and thinking about how their behaviour makes other people feel. He is behaving like a spoilt nasty child. You show extreme forbearance. I would have left him already.

This is common OP. They’re dishonest about who they really are until they achieve a sense of security and believe you will never walk away. Don’t indulge him any more.

A third party could also be another man 😃

If he went out on a date with another woman and did even half of the dreadful things he does to you he'd have absolutely NO chance!

Hmm. No of course not. But it's quite hard to do anything fun when your dh is busy going out all the time having fun with his mates. Who exactly is at home parenting?

Sadly nothing about him would make many women want to have sex with him.

It's quite peculiar how a man wants sex but behaves repulsively. There are many things one might try but asking the OP to sniff his arse covered hand is not a great one.

He's a lazy sex-pest. Divorce him and be free. Imagine a future where this ape isn't pawing you and where you don't have to cook his meals or wash his smelly pants.

@CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone
If he was feeling left out, lonely etc and was sad, expressed his sadness, asked what he could do to help etc then I could understand a bit more why he would deserve some sympathy but choosing instead to out constantly, not communicate his schedule, expect the OP to do the bulk of domestic work and just act repulsive like threatening to get sex elsewhere and rubbing his hand on his arse and getting her to smell it he loses any chance of sympathy. This just isn't the behaviour of a man I could ever want to be with.
Yes we get sad. Yes we can feel dissatisfied with the relationship but how we act then says everything. And he acts appallingly. Really really revoltingly.

I’m mid 40s now & it definitely does still shape me, you’re right. Since they split up the second time he never bothered with any of us kids. We all still live in the same town but he has never tried to keep in touch with us, didn’t see him after the first divorce & haven’t seen or spoken to him since the 2nd divorce. I think we kids were only ever a consequence of marriage, rather than because he actually wanted kids. I genuinely think he saw us as her kids rather than their kids. We’ve since found out he has 3 kids from two different women before he even met my mum, which he’s never had anything to do with them either since he spilt with their mums

kids definitely pick up on their parents unhappiness even when they ‘stay together for the kids’. Even more so when one parent has completely checked out of the family

@bagginsatbagend

Your parents got divorced twice? They remarried each other and got divorced again?

My father was the same about kids. He said he was okay with it if my mother wanted them, but especially when we were little he didn't bother much with us except to yell at us if we did something he didn't like.

Yes exactly that, they divorced & married each other twice over, so my mum has been married 3 times but only 2 different. He has 6 kids to 3 different women but none of us knew about the first 3 kids until in our 20s when it turned out I actually knew one of her daughters through a friend of mine. It was my friend that put two & two together when she realised this other girls dad was also my dad.

He never actually wanted any of us & hasn’t had anything to do with us once he split with our mums. Ironically enough he’s with a woman now who has kids so he’s being a step dad to some other poor sods. it’s sad that so many of us have similar stories. I hope you’re doing ok with it all

He sounds utterly vile op. You are right to want nothing to do with him. Make sure you see a solicitor without him knowing - get things all prepared and in place before you leave. The kids will survive and won’t be around a poor role modelling of relationships any longer.

Also, granted it was fathers day today and he went out last night. I am working today as I am trying to do extra shifts to pay for our holiday. He didnt get out of bed until 11am, I gave up asking him for help. He irritates me so much as I have never once been left in bed, I am always up first with the kids and to be honest they never even attempt to go to him they just come straight to me. If the kids ask him for some breakfast it will literally take him 30 mins to get round to the idea whilst he is scrolling through shit videos on his phone.

Being with him isn't making your children happy. It's not making you happy. It's not making him happy.