To hate my husband

[Louisa90]

DH and I have been together 15 years, married 7. We have a 6 year old DD and 3 year old DS. Our relationship was great until kids came along, obviously my priorities changed and wasn't into going out much anymore. DH still carried on working late, hobbies, meeting up with friends etc so I just felt completely alone.

I honestly thought that I would love him forever but I really dislike him. He makes me feel so bad all the time and like I am worthless. I really do try my absolute best to do everything. I went out on Saturday with my friends for the first time in ages and I came back and the house was very tidy and he asked me how I never managed to do it :(.

He constantly makes vile comments like, fancy giving me a BJ, quicky etc but I just cant bring myself to do it. As soon as we wake up in the morning he is trying to touch me etc whilst my youngest is there and I find myself getting up earlier just to avoid it. He said he has never known anybody who dislikes sex as much as me and it is becoming a problem.

I am so unhappy and dont really know what to do. Sorry if it seems this post is a bit all over the place but its hard to get everything down.

With PP saying maybe it is our fault as we were too invested in the children? what does that actually look like?

Yes I was up most nights breastfeeding whilst he slept, yes I was shattered and barley got time to shower so I probably did neglect him.

I suspect that the longer is goes on the more it shapes you. I am middle aged now and living a peaceful, single life, which is all I wanted out of being an adult. Nobody dares to tell me anymore that I will change my mind.

I no longer speak to my parents and keep my social circle to people I get along with well.

Leave , Doesn't sound like he is respecting you much also i doubt you don't like sex, you just don't like him.

He sounds like a disgusting sex pest. You don’t have to put up with that every day. I would make plans to leave.

Don't focus on those outlier posts op, they're men's rights activists. Focus on what the majority are saying. It wasn't you, it was him. You focussed on the kids, because you had to, someone had to and he didn't step up.

He’s giving me the ick from all the way over here.

Thing is, you can want all these things as intensely as you like. He doesn't want to give you those things though. For him, excepting the lack of sex, things are fine. And even then he is clearly planning to get sex from someone else and very possibly already is, given how late he works and how much time he spends away from the home. He can fix his problem with affairs.

You can't fix your problems unless he co-operates. And he isn't. He has very little incentive to so, and quite considerable incentive to keep the status quo. Why would he want to have to give up his enjoyable leisure time?

You've had marriage counselling. You' ll have told him how things look to you. He didn't change as a result as it does not serve him to.

Having kids brings out people's real side. You don't necessarily see it in the low-demand state before kids. Life is easy, you can both enjoy yourselves freely. But once you have kids the demands placed on both parents increase. The good men step up to that, take their share of looking after kids and house. The men who were always selfish and self-focussed, well, you can really see it then. That's their true nature.

Yeah they are spouting bollocks, when one person has to do two peoples jobs because the other parent feels entitled to just carry on as usual ofcourse you don’t want to have sex with them, it’s just another chore isn’t it. And dear god the way he speaks to you is disgusting, deeply gross.

Whats he actually doing for you or the kids?

But OP did talk. She said they had marriage counselling. So she will have told him how she felt.. He did not listen. Or maybe he did but just didn't care.

You focus entirely on how OP should have given him more attention after kids. But he chose not to step up and take on his share of housework and looking after his kids, keeping up his pre-child level of social activities and leaving OP to do all the work. That's a free choice he made.

Please stop replying to this moron. He/she is getting off on it.

He does sound awful! You say you really loved him for 9 years and it has been 6 when this dislike has set in. Can you see any of the things you loved about him still? The counsellor you went to you say agreed with everything he said, what did he say?
I do wonder if there is a slight element of martyr like behaviour on your behalf OP? People keep giving you suggestions of things you could do and your responses are just to say more awful things he does rather than acknowledge any of these suggestions or take action.

And about him going to get his haircut but you can't. Of course you can! From what you say, he isn't a bad father , he isn't going to neglect them if he is alone with them? So if he is living exactly as he wants, time for you to start taking a bit more control and responsibility over your own happiness and start prioritising you, rather than waiting around for him to do it for you (because he isn't going to)

After having my kids, me and my husband went through a rocky patch. He carried on with hobbies while I picked up the slack, but not once was he a sex pest or asking for a third person in the relationship. That is totally disrespectful to your feelings.
I was able to be open and honest about my feelings and we found a middle ground. I definitely couldn't have done that if he had been asking for a BJ constantly. This shows a total lack of empathy.

It takes two to make a relationship work and it doesn't sound like he can be arsed only after bjs or sex. Why would you feel sexy anyway with making comments to you like that, especially about bringing a third person into the mix (wtf)

You definitely need to sit down and talk with him as you can't carry on like this.

I understand about keeping up hobbies but when you have a young family that's more important, and it sounds like you are holding down the fort while he goes off and does what he likes.

It's very one sided.

You both work so no wonder you feel so irritated by him when he leaves everything to you. But if you genuinely don’t want to split then you need a serious chat with him to discuss what needs to change. It sounds to me like it’s over, and I don’t think there’s any coming back. Let him go and meet someone else and don’t drag it out for years. You don’t need to stay together and make each other unhappy.

OP I wrote a very similar post (on a website called Baby Greenhouse) sixteen years ago. I think you’ve made your decision and there’s no going back. Your children will be ok. The masturbating thing is probably deliberate…he’s punishing you for not wanting him.

I was with my ex for eleven years before we had children and I would never have believed we’d split up. I still think back to how he was as a very young man (met at 18) and I feel so very very sad and guilty 33 years later. I just couldn’t face a future of feeling pressured to have sex so that he’d be nice to me for a few days. Life wasn’t easy after i left, and I did sometimes regret leaving, but I’m a different person now and even if we’d stayed together then, we’d have separated eventually.

He sounds absolutely gross. If I was you I would be looking at how to divorce as quickly as possible. This feels like a situation you see very regularly on MN. Man does fuck all in house and with kids. Woman runs herself into the ground. And rightly resents him for making her life so much harder than it needs to be. Resent turns to disgust and the relationship is over. I wonder if the men in these situations saw it coming whether they would change. I doubt it. They have it too good for too long.

This relationship is clearly over- there's no coming back from how much you hate and resent your husband. Rather than trying to work out whose fault it is, as some posters seem to be doing, put your energy into starting divorce proceedings.

Tell him if he parented more, pulled his weight around the house, stopped making horrible digs and juvenile sex related comments, you might feel nicer towards him and actually want to have sex with him. Take his share of the load then you won't be too tried to have sex

Remind him he goes out X amount of times more than you and tidying up once is no big deal. What were the kids doing while he was brandishing a flipping vacuum?

Edited as I've read the next posts.

He is threatening you. Give me a BJ or I'll get someone else too.

That would be marriage over for me. I am divorcing my h over something he said even though he had given me reason to do so years ago over something he did. Your h makes me feel ill. Sorry.

Your husband is vile. His actions, his inactions, his words, all gross. I've got the ICK just reading about him.

You find him repulsive, that's understandable. I personally don't see any coming back from it now. He has no respect for you and his sex pest behaviour, along with his inappropriate comments are seriously disgusting.

I think you should spend some time researching and getting legal advice on separating, then getting divorced.

You don't have to stay with him, and you'll be a million times happier living with just you and the children, without this disgusting pest in your home.

All the best x

He sounds disgusting. NOBODY would want sex with him. Yuck.

It sounds like you’ve tried so hard for so long, you have nothing left to give. It’s OK to call time on it. It sounds like it would be best for you all.

Ignore the dicks on here trying to blame you.

This ^ x 100 darling.

Don't bother with counselling. Sadly there is nothing for you here.

You didn't 'neglect' him!

You really need a counsellor of your own (sorry to bang on)

You need to reframe this. If anyone was neglected it was you!

Counselling would massively help

But not to help her stay - to help her go

When you have young kids, foreplay takes at least a day or two. And it starts off with consideration, helping with the chores and being a good father to your kids and a good partner.
When you have all that, you feel attracted to your partner and relaxed enough to enjoy intimacy.
Tell that to your dh.

Don’t bother with counselling. You’ve tried it already.
I feel the same way about my husband. It’s so hard…