To hate my husband

[Louisa90]

DH and I have been together 15 years, married 7. We have a 6 year old DD and 3 year old DS. Our relationship was great until kids came along, obviously my priorities changed and wasn't into going out much anymore. DH still carried on working late, hobbies, meeting up with friends etc so I just felt completely alone.

I honestly thought that I would love him forever but I really dislike him. He makes me feel so bad all the time and like I am worthless. I really do try my absolute best to do everything. I went out on Saturday with my friends for the first time in ages and I came back and the house was very tidy and he asked me how I never managed to do it :(.

He constantly makes vile comments like, fancy giving me a BJ, quicky etc but I just cant bring myself to do it. As soon as we wake up in the morning he is trying to touch me etc whilst my youngest is there and I find myself getting up earlier just to avoid it. He said he has never known anybody who dislikes sex as much as me and it is becoming a problem.

I am so unhappy and dont really know what to do. Sorry if it seems this post is a bit all over the place but its hard to get everything down.

There is the relationship, but there is also division of labour. This man is having two thirds of the cake, and will resist only having half of it. You can't have a loving relationship if he is taking the piss like this, and you are resentful. He's not going to get laid unless you are happy and he's pulling his weight - that's not transactional, but simply resentment and tiredness aren't really conducive to a sex life. He should be doing one day a weekend of child care (at least) to give you time to be yourself, accept his share of chores and you need a night off for yourself, and one with him if you can afford the baby sitting.

You need a better relationship councillor - I'd recommend a woman - so that he gets an external perspective on his behaviour. You also need to make financial plans to leave if it's required.

Why would you feel guilty about not liking him? He sounds awful. Selfish. A sex pest. Sexist. Nasty. An all round horror. LTB.

I came on my period the other other day and he was like wow it has been a month, I know it has but what can I do, he just said its really becoming a problem and maybe need to introduce a third party.

The third party could presumably be a solicitor?

I caught him masturbating in the bath a few weeks ago, I just find him gross.

Op - are you scared of divorce? If so, why?

I am not scared no. My only worry is the kids they are so lovely and dont want to hurt them.

You will hurt them temporarily if you divorce. You will hurt them permanently if you don't.

Hate is a strong word,
but you really, really, really don't like him.

Their mum being miserable will hurt the kids more than separated parents.

He sounds vile and nasty. You deserve so much better, OP, even if better = single. The resentment towards him not pulling his weight will be gone and you can focus on yourself.

Can you go away for a week on your own? Stay at parents? Take your lap top & wfh somewhere else so you don't use up your annual leave. Let him be the full time parent for a week & see how easy it is to do everything 24/7 on his own. He can have no social life & interupted sleep. He can do all the washing and walk the dog. He can cook for the kids who then decide that they won't eat it because fish fingers are not their favourite this week.
You can have a week where you are not mum. You are not a household appliance. You are not a sex toy.
You can have a break & feel like you again.

Then you involve your 3rd person - a decent solicitor.

I would love to do that but it just wont work, he wouldnt be able to take them and pick them up and I would be so worried

Remembered you're not comparing divorce to a lovely happy movie family with a committed father who loves and respects their mother. You need to compare what divorce would be like to the reality of your situation, which is an unsurprisingly unhappy mother who is tolerating an abusive horrible father and this is what you are modelling to your children a relationship is. Ltb - for your childrens sakes. (And yours as well but youve accepted that).

100% this!!

“Darling, when you

• talk down to my mother
• fart in front of me
• tell me to smell your stinky hand
• wank in front of me
• ask me to do all the washing
• ask me to do all the school pickups
• ask me to walk the dog
• go out multiple times per week without me for clubs/friends
• tell me you want a threesome
• comment on my menstrual cycle
• tell me you want me to suck your penis
• tell me I have a double chin

my legs instinctively clamp shut. If you’d like me to view you as a person I’d like to be intimate with, you could start by:

• speaking to my family respectfully
• keeping personal/hygiene/toilet matters out of sight
• help with the washing
• do some school pickups
• walk the dog
• take over some of the evening admin so that I can go out and see my friends
• keep ungentlemanly comments to yourself“

He will say maybe he should find somebody else or bring a third party into the relationship

That's when I'd have told him to feel free to crack on but count me out as he'd crossed the line.

This would definitely be the end of my marriage, it may be a struggle for a while but its 2024 so much has moved on with support available to you.
Stop being spoken to and treated like second thought.

I highly doubt your DP will ever wake up one morning having suddenly become a nicer person over night.

There's only been a handful of posts on MN, for me that is, where I'd say enough is enough and actually mean it, this is one of them.

What was his behaviour like before you had children?

I can’t imagine wanting to have a baby with such a disgusting, selfish man-child, let alone a second baby.

Were the pregnancies planned?

Also, WTF does “introduce a third party” mean here? A threesome, or an open marriage so he can shag around?

Either way, that comment alone would have me running for the hills.

Time to start divorce proceedings, I reckon.

Yes but he shouldn't keep asking for it, that is such a turn off, - for me anyway. Every time I walk past him "fancy sucking me off", no I do not!

I have tried my absolute hardest to the point where I have nothing else to give, I dont think it is a rough patch this time.

So weirdly I met him and thought he was perfect as he was so geeky and innocent. The relationship I had prior to that - even though I was a kid haha was just awful. I wanted to be with somebody who I thought I could trust. He was great for the first 6 years or so and then he just changed so much. He will probably blame me I suppose.

You clearly don’t like your husband and have no interest in a relationship with him. You aren’t interested in counselling. You find his presence revolting. You don’t want sex with him ( appear disturbed to discover he masterbates - although I’m confused as to why you care since you don’t want him to be with you). You don’t want to spend time with him. The only positive you’ve listed is his income.

Are you looking for permission to leave him? For others to bash him so you feel better about leaving? Or a martyr by staying?

book an appointment with a solicitor and get things in order to leave. Unless you feel in danger leaving you don’t appear to have any reason to stay.

If you aren’t interested in doing that - then you need to put effort into reconciling your relationship. But it seems that you tried and it didn’t work - which leads me back to separating.

If you are in danger leaving you definitely need a solicitor, and one that can help you navigate separation where safety is a major concern.

Asking for a quickie means he's "still in love" with her?

Oh, mate.

"Fancy sucking me off?" Is NOT love.

You are a married single parent, nothing much changed for him once children came along by the sound of it, much changed for you as it does and should and now he is abusing you.

You need to leave him, get your ducks in a row and start the process, you shouldn't have to live with someone so disgusting pestering you for sex and treating you so appallingly.