To hate my husband

[Louisa90]

DH and I have been together 15 years, married 7. We have a 6 year old DD and 3 year old DS. Our relationship was great until kids came along, obviously my priorities changed and wasn't into going out much anymore. DH still carried on working late, hobbies, meeting up with friends etc so I just felt completely alone.

I honestly thought that I would love him forever but I really dislike him. He makes me feel so bad all the time and like I am worthless. I really do try my absolute best to do everything. I went out on Saturday with my friends for the first time in ages and I came back and the house was very tidy and he asked me how I never managed to do it :(.

He constantly makes vile comments like, fancy giving me a BJ, quicky etc but I just cant bring myself to do it. As soon as we wake up in the morning he is trying to touch me etc whilst my youngest is there and I find myself getting up earlier just to avoid it. He said he has never known anybody who dislikes sex as much as me and it is becoming a problem.

I am so unhappy and dont really know what to do. Sorry if it seems this post is a bit all over the place but its hard to get everything down.

Are you male? as I dont seem to remember saying his income was a good thing, I just said he earns considerably more than me.

Yeah, you need to call it a day. Neither of you seem engaged in the relationship in any way or seem able to care about it. Can you get a few days away from him to think things through? If you are at the stage he is making your flesh creep and he is acting as if you are a blow up doll you need distance. Sort out finances and go, you are being a lone parent by the sounds of it anyway. It’s not going to get better you’ll just end up more isolated with no confidence.

Reading your further posts i wouldn't even give him the time of day let alone try to work things out.

The man is a stinking pig with all the charm and sex appeal of a turd.

Would he be farting around women at work? I highly doubt it!

He has zero respect for you but doesn't want you to leave because you're doing a great job of raising the kids and running the home. That's why he needs to make you feel insecure by running you down so that you will feel indebted to him and not want to leave.

He's dimming your light, without him you would shine brightly.

It sounds to me like he checked out of the marriage when your first child was born. Unfortunately some men aren't mature enough to handle the responsibilities of parenthood, and it's often difficult to tell until a baby is born and he fails to step up.

Also your man-child sounds like an absolute twat. I wouldn't be willing to stay with a man who shows such obvious disrespect and disdain for me.

You are a man then I presume

Sounds like you would be a lot happier without him OP. Can you make the finances work? Good luck.

So what has changed? Because he sounds like an absolute pig, but clearly you deeply loved and fancied him at one time, for many years. I know you have said it's since children came along, so do you feel his personality and care for you changed since then? Or did you used to love him exactly the way he was and still is, but detached somewhat from him to prioritise your children? Or is it a mix of both. Something has changed because you clearly didn't initially see him as a stinky, selfish sex pest with dirty habits. You two sound like you had a really good relationship for the best part of ten years.

Its not you, it is him.

Life needs to change after having children but he has left all the burden of work to you.

No wonder you resent him and no longer desire him.

If he had been there supporting and working alongside you, you would love him for it. But he didn't.

Your marriage counsellor sounds shit.

What are your finances like? Can you divorce? He sounds dreadful and selfish and that won't change.

Surely they barely even know him? They won't miss him but they will LOVE having a relaxed content mum.

He did WHAT?! Yeah, time to get rid of this guy. You don’t want your children growing up thinking this is how men should treat their wives.

Everything else you’ve listed is a major problem, but I’m not sure about this one. Was the door locked?

I mean it sounds like your relationship has been dead for years and you're both just limping along because neither of you has the balls to admit it's dead and end it.

You'd both be happier if you split you know? He's already living as a single man and you're just left doing all the drudge work. You might as well do that without a man who repulses you around making you miserable. You'll get more time to yourself on the weekends he has the kids, you won't feel constant pressure to love someone and be intimate with someone you no longer like, you won't feel judged and resentful and revolted in your own home. You'll be able to relax and focus on you and the kids.

What's the benefit of staying? What good is it doing anyone?

Don't even think of staying for the DC as a positive thing. Staying with an abusive man when you have realised that you don't love them is soul destroying.

His threat/suggestion of bringing a 3rd person into your marriage because you no longer desire him because of how he behaves, against your wishes, is the end. (In what way is this even real given that he seems to have so little to offer - unless he is rich/a stud/incredibly attractive/has a big dick (insert alternative tropes). It just means he has no intention of change.

You will be happier without him in your life. Your DC need you intact. The rest is just practicalities. You do most of the work. That's the most important thing. Finances can be sorted.

Do you feel you can't leave him for whatever reason? Perhaps consider the Freedom Program run by WA.

Idk, I hate him just reading about him.
🤢
Cannot imagine my husband behaving similarly, and he's three decades older, so couple of farts here and there would be expected. 😁
No joke, this man, really.

He sounds grim. Does he bring anything good to your life? I'd join the FB group "Bridging the Gap Community Group" which is a support group precisely for this type of issue and you can post anonymously either for advice or just a rant. Of course he tidied the house perfectly on the one evening you were out - what a great way to demonstrate how easy you have it and how unreasonable you're being (you aren't btw!).

I feel for you.

When I had my son, nothing changed for my husband. He went out most weekends. It was as though his life carried on as normal and mine changed. He worked away at the time and thought I should be lucky as lots of men who he worked with cheated on their wives .
Fast forward a few years, the intimacy went, we were bickering constantly and it was a horrible atmosphere.
We've now seperated and I've bought him out of our property. We get on much better now.

I think you should plan for life after divorce - but how is it going to work - are you going to continue doing everything for the DC or are you going to have a life and he take some responsibility - what would you prefer eg he has them weekends and you through the week.
Nothing will happen if you don't start thinking seriously eg where you will live, where he will live, how you manage financially - is he likely to pay a fair share etc

He is repulsive, and given his demeaning behaviour towards you I expect he will be an absolute arse to divorce as well. So start planning. How can you make it work? Unlikely he will take any responsibility for his children, unless he thinks it will save him money or punish you. At the age they are at however 50/50 is the only way for it to be financially equitable. The person who has majority care will have their career impacted and be lumped with the childcare bills. Child maintenance wont cover much until they are both in school, and even then unlikely to be half. Id start planning my escape and do it when I was ready, play the long game. Find out everything you need to know, put your escape plan in place, smile along with his gross bullshit and pretend you've gone frigid (not letting on that he is as sexually appealing as road kill). Tell him you want a divorce when you're ready (and have the papers filed the same day).

To put a bit of perspective on this. I'm all for encouraging and sympathising and suggesting ways the OP can improve herself, her actions and her thoughts in order to make her life better.

But I do baulk at the approbrium coming at the DH based entirely on the OP's viewpoint.

Nobody is questioning what happened when the kids came along.

• Was there any PND?
• Did the OP withdraw from DH and focus solely on the children?
• Were the kids her idea, his, or a joint decision?

The reason I ask is that I've seen it happen (not me) where a couple have reciprocated their attentions and then suddenly the mother becomes solely absobed by, and transfers all her attention to the kids. Father undergoes a series of rejections and all the subtle communications become replaced by sledgehammers - seeks interests outside having lost their soulmate, or works late as it no longer feels like coming home. In other words, the original "checking out" was by her, and then reciprocated by him.

Equally I've seen mums with PND and immature dads that can't handle the grown-up life.

My (long-winded) point being that the OP sounds a little self-justifying ("I hate him") rather than introspective ("Is there anything I should do differently" like maybe talk?).

I don't think it helps just to reflect OPs attitude and bolster her possibly-flawed reasoning with only one side of the picture. Or is that what MN is all about?

He sounds horrible. He’s clearly making you unhappy and the comments about sex are vile. how many women has he asked to know that? I suspect you’ve gone off of him because of the constant pawing and pestering and gross comments.

My husband will say stuff like that but in a jokey manner usually in the middle of an important meeting at school or when I’m busy on the on the phone to my mum to try to make me laugh.

If you both just carried on the same after kids that would be wrong too no doubt and who would look after the kids if you’re both out doing hobbies and seeing mates. Sounds like he puts you down to make you feel bad to try to get his own way. Honestly don’t let it carry on. My friend is 60 and her husband is like that, puts her down, makes her feel like crap and omg the sulking if he doesn’t get sex are unreal. She says she’s too old to start again so puts up with it.

I really like this post and completely understand what you are saying. There will be things that my husband doesn't like about me I am sure. Maybe I did put my effort into the kids when they were born too much and he felt rejected, I am not sure. Regardless, I am still in the position I am in now and feel so guilty about it. I wish I felt the same way that I used to, I really do.

👆💯

As a child from divorced parents I honestly wish they would have divorced earlier rather than get to the ‘hating each other stage’ & everything being so awkward, tense & argumentative all the time. We don’t do family time, he was always at work or out at the weekend, my mum was always stressed, it was miserable for all of us. We were actually relieved when she said they were finally splitting up, I’m sure I actually asked her to leave him a few times before they actually started divorce proceedings because it was just so miserable in the house hearing him say awful things to her & seeing her get more & more lost