To hate my husband

[Louisa90]

DH and I have been together 15 years, married 7. We have a 6 year old DD and 3 year old DS. Our relationship was great until kids came along, obviously my priorities changed and wasn't into going out much anymore. DH still carried on working late, hobbies, meeting up with friends etc so I just felt completely alone.

I honestly thought that I would love him forever but I really dislike him. He makes me feel so bad all the time and like I am worthless. I really do try my absolute best to do everything. I went out on Saturday with my friends for the first time in ages and I came back and the house was very tidy and he asked me how I never managed to do it :(.

He constantly makes vile comments like, fancy giving me a BJ, quicky etc but I just cant bring myself to do it. As soon as we wake up in the morning he is trying to touch me etc whilst my youngest is there and I find myself getting up earlier just to avoid it. He said he has never known anybody who dislikes sex as much as me and it is becoming a problem.

I am so unhappy and dont really know what to do. Sorry if it seems this post is a bit all over the place but its hard to get everything down.

He hasn’t made any effort to be a father. He’s expected you to deal with the children and his life has stayed the same.
I don’t think you’ve given up, I think a man having children and behaving like this is a massive turn off.
You have every reason to separate.
You could give him a last ditch ultimatum (shape up, be a more involved dad and partner, you having time off etc) but it sounds like you’re beyond that point.
He sounds like a massive bellend.

It's not surprising that you want out of the relationship. The surprising thing is that you ever wanted in. He sounds vile.

You deserve so much better.

If you were caring for your children with no support from him then it’s not your fault, it’s his. You can’t be everything to everyone, and by the sounds of it you don’t even get a minute to yourself, of course your main focus is going to be your children when your basically doing it alone. Having children can bring a couple closer together, yous got pushed apart because you are doing everything yourself, and you understandably resent him for this. If you want to work on things then I would sit him down and explain to him how you feel and what you want him to do to fix it, and if he doesn’t change then file for divorce.

The comments he’s made aren’t something that I personally could forget. If you love someone you just don’t say stuff like that. If she can forgive that then all well and good. No amount of “virtues” can make up for the belittling abusive comments .

Children do get in the way of a relationship and that can cause stresses but in this case it seems they have only got in YOUR way, not HIS. He expects everything to be the same as it was and to live his life as he pleases, with no consideration for you. The therapy sessions sound rubbish because it should be about both of you expressing how you experience family life, not him putting you down.

Marriage should be a partnership, with shared goals and values. You simply don't have that. I'm sorry but breaking up is probably for the best. Love does not exist in a vacuum. He has sucked all the air out of your relationship.

Absolutely this!

When a new mother is shattered from the drastic and sudden change of a completely dependent new born to look after, up in the night breastfeeding and nappy changing and just shattered ( as well as recovering from pregnancy and birth), that is the time for the husband to step up and put himself last and supporting her and his child first.

Its hard to fathom not only the revolting mentality of men who frame this as them being 'neglected', but also of women who ask these mothers if perhaps they have 'neglected' their husbands!

Jesus, as this pp says, its the H neglecting their wife! Not the other way around!

Too long and complicated to remember for him.🤷‍♀️😆

It sounds like you would both be better off alone and it would probably benefit you more than if you stayed from what you have said :(
sorry I hope you have some friends or family that can support you

I could have written this post.

i ended up staying longer than i should have, please, if you’re this unhappy, for your own mental health, seek some help in leaving him

Next time he complains about lack of sex tell him "why would I want to have sex with you?" Go on to explain why you have grown to resent him if you want, or leave him to ponder it himself.

Men are generally logical and understand logic. Especially men like this, who clearly see the woman in their lives like an appliance to provide children they won't look after, totally manage the household, and service them with sex. They aren't brought up to be emotional or understanding so you need to communicate in a logic way. Point out in black and white how his lack of support is why you have zero sex drive.

He rubs his hands somewhere foul and makes you smell it? "And you wonder why I don't want to have sex with you much any more"
He points out how easy it was to clean the house himself? "Yes you're great at everything and I'm a terrible skivvy. Did you do the laundry, the food shop, meal plan for the week, sort the kids' sports kit out and walk the dogs as well by the way?"

He sees YOU as the problem when its's clearly him. Correct him.

I am really sorry that you are going through this OP, it is obvious that his life hasn't changed since having children. No wonder, you don't feel like sex with him. He belittles you and undermines the enormity of the responsibilities of caring for children. Have you actually been able to talk to him about how you feel? Counselling might help for both of you but it seems unlikely that he would go. I can totally understand why you don't like him and it may be that your relationship can't be saved. You are doing an amazing job and don't deserve the vile and belittling comments which amount to abuse.If your husband can't see how destructive his behaviour is or unwilling to make changes, then please make enquiries re separation/divorce. You don't deserve this mistreatment, take care

Please divorce him, you will be so much happier. His life didn't change when you had children, why not ? You have given everything up and he just carries on like he has no responsibilities. He will never change.

it is not finding blame to identify and articulate your needs. Sharing the work of maintaining a house/children and some time as a family are legitimate needs

Fuck me, can some posters just stop?!

OP, this is not your fault. He is a disgusting, lazy, fat, selfish, disengaged twat. A shit husband and probably a shit dad.

None of this is your fault.

I hope you find a way to leave him, because he is revolting.

Please ignore the 1950’s stepford wives commenting about neglecting husbands when the kids come along. Should the husbands not be taking care of us after the huge turmoil our bodies have been through! You know it takes years for a woman’s hormone levels to return to normal after pregnancy and some of us have difficult births, difficult times breast feeding, difficult times dealing with sleep deprivation and having zero time to ourselves. It’s funny how most mums I talk to say that there are days with young kids they don’t get to shower, I never hear that from the dads. Maybe if the husbands did some looking after their children and supporting their partners their relationships would be healthier.

No one should speak to you the way your husband does. If you split up there will be days that he has the kids on his own and you can recover your life. Honestly I would start making plans, put money away and look into the logistics - you only get one life, there is no point wasting it being miserable and tied down to a man who would speak to you like that.

I really think you need to separate @Louisa90 . It sounds like he is bringing nothing to the table, he is not doing anything that he wouldn't be doing if he didn't have kids.

It's hardly surprising that you are not attracted to him with the behaviour and disrespect you describe in your updates. Have a lovely life with the kids without the the sexual coercion and resentment.

I’m not sure I could tolerate that for a day. LTB!

Who cares what people think, it sounds like the relationship has run it's course and it needs to be ended. He sounds vile and you're not going to fancy that. Nothing worse than being pestered for sex constantly when you don't want it.

Have you done the sums on how you'd manage without him? I'd start there.

OP he has neglected you too .

He sounds horrible selfish and ignorant . I couldn’t stomach the person
you describe either .
I couldn’t have sex with him and wouldn’t want to .

Who cares what anyone else thinks . This is your life you are not happy , you parent solo Anyway so the kids will be fine .

Start making your plans for leaving once it’s all in place tell him then the kids.

You deserve to be happy .

Understand you’ve tried couples counselling.

just wondering whether you’ve considered individual counselling?

All I want is to feel appreciated. I want him to help me out with the kids

This is the bit where you say what YOU want.
Most of what you say in your posts is about him, and all the things you hate about him.
You need to re-focus on yourself.

First, understand that he will Never, EVER give you want you want - the appreciation and help (let alone respect and gratitude, never mind love!)

Grieve for the relationship you wanted - it is gone, like a dream. It is dead, so you need to grieve, because the reality is nothing like what you expected.

Then second, make your decision to divorce.
Then third, see a solicitor and start to think in practical terms.

THIS!

Jesus Christ, he sounds dreadful. You are not the problem here, OP.

OP you sound like you want to separate. You don't have to justify this or list all the reasons - if you feel that it's over for you and you don't love him, you must do what's best for you. Better to do it now while the kids are small, I think it's harder on them when they're older. Start thinking about how you want your life to be - get support from family and friends and get some legal advice. I hope everything works out for you 💐

He is not helping with the kids ffs.

It is called parenting and it is not all your job therefore he is not helping you.

💯 this, sprigatito has hit the nail on the head