To give son the same boundaries he gives us?

[kt8]

We have a grown up son who still lives with us and everyday he will come home from work ask us about our day, he wants to know what we've been up to where we've been and if we're talking he'll ask what we're talking about but then when we ask him what he's been up to or if he's been anywhere nice we get shut down because that's none of our business.
His life is very private yet he expects our lives to be an open book, he expects to be in on everything we do, say or plan yet keep our noses out and don't ask him any similar questions because that's his business.
This makes for a very difficult and one way conversation AIBU to say it's fine if he wants to be like that but should expect the boundaries work both ways then?

He’s being really odd. What’s he hiding??

and yes don’t tell him what you’ve been up to

I should have said he's 25.

he actually says “none of your business”

Oh and this is bloody weird - this OP that is

Next time he asks, tell him you've been looking at places for him to rent and have his privacy.

Oh god I have one like that, endlessly inquisitive about others but guarded about themselves!

like asking how we know someone, where will we meet them etc etc but when the boots on the other foot they’re all Oh just a friend all casual

no choice other than to give it straight back. If they ask why information isn’t coming that’s your opportunity to point out the weird dynamic.

theres a power trip at the heart of it I think

you think your son is on a power trip against his parents?

No it wasn’t a son

I don't think he's hiding anything he just seems to think his business has nothing to do with us yet wants to know everything when it comes to us. Not that I mind because it's just conversation but it's very awkward sometimes when you can't say the same pleasentry back.

My relationship with my parents is one way. I know about their lives but they know very little about mine. It's best for my mental health

That said no one has to share anything in a relationship. It's up to you how much you tell him. I don't tell my parents it's none of their business but the do get a very edited view of my life.

does he actually tell you to mind your own business?

what is your relationship like with him otherwise?

Would you think it fair of them to put the same boundary in place?

I have an adult DS living at home who is also a closed book regarding some of the things he's doing - including whether he's coming home at night.
I think it's an attempt to maintain some sort of control over his private life as he lived away for 5 years and we didn't have a clue what he was doing then.

Unlike your DS though, mine doesn't actively ask what we're doing/where we are going, but I usually tell him anyway. But if I just said "I'm popping out" he wouldn't ask where to. If it gets to dinner time and I'm not around though, he'd usually message and ask what's happening about food (although that would be 'do I need to cook for me or shall I cook for everyone?')

what are you talking about?? does he actually say mind your own business??

It depends if it pisses you off or not.

If you don't like sharing your business with him then tell him it's none of his business.

Maybe next time he asks you how your day has been, turn it around and say 'you first, how was your day' if he tells you to mind your own business say 'ok I will mind my own business' and carry on with what you are doing. When he asks what you've been up to say to him 'you just told me to mind my own business so I am'

That's all game playing though, he's entitled to his privacy, but I find it odd that at 25 he's still living with you and won't tell you what's going on in his life .

I think young adults are usually a bit guarded about what they share with their parents. However, I would've been packing my bags if I told my parents to "mind their own business".

Your son obviously wants to feel like a fully fledged member of the family and all that entails and yet live as though he's an independent person. I think he is trying to assert his "I'm all grown up" position through a lack of communication. He can't have it both ways and he's actually behaving like Kevin the Teenager.

Is it time he moved out? Has he ever lived away?

I think it would be a reasonable boundary to put in place - but first have a conversation about him being an adult and the importance of having a reciprocal adult relationship.

Also, I suspect the power dynamic of him still living with you at 25 is at the heart of it. Is there a plan for him to move out?

He will either ask why? or a question such as been anywhere nice will be answered a simple yes thanks or out, we'll get nothing more and he'll either change the subject or walk off or another one is to remain silent so you just don't get an answer.

I definitely would. He’s bloody rude and as a parent it’s your job to show him that, brick walling him back sounds like a good way. How was your day? Ok. What did you get up to? Oh this and that. What are you up to on the weekend? Not sure.

i assume you pay most of the bills so a 25 yr old should realise he owes his parents some common courtesy if he wants to live with them.

If you want to tell him your business then do so. If you don't then don't. What he does or does not tell you us up to him. Yabu

he wants to have a chat with his parents
but classic teen / adult DC especially male, a bit cagey about their day

If you want to assert boundaries and stop any kind of conversation with your DS, sure, assert boundaries

or just enjoy chatting with your son

He’s being incredibly rude. One can chat about life things without revealing private matters.

it’s incredibly immature and I’d imagine it’s his way of asserting his position as an adult in your house. He’s going about it the wrong way. As others have said, perhaps it’d be best if he found his own place?

what about my second question

what is your relationship like with him otherwise?

he wants to have a chat with his parents
but classic teen / adult DC especially male, a bit cagey about their day

If you want to assert boundaries and stop any kind of conversation with your DS, sure, assert boundaries

or just enjoy chatting with your son*

I disagree, why does he get all the power and op put in her place.
If he wants the easy life of living off someone else then he shows decency and respect to the people giving him a home.

why does he “get all the power”

we are talking about her son FGS!

ok so Op shut down
then he will get back from work and no conversation and that will be the end of that