To give son the same boundaries he gives us?

[kt8]

We have a grown up son who still lives with us and everyday he will come home from work ask us about our day, he wants to know what we've been up to where we've been and if we're talking he'll ask what we're talking about but then when we ask him what he's been up to or if he's been anywhere nice we get shut down because that's none of our business.
His life is very private yet he expects our lives to be an open book, he expects to be in on everything we do, say or plan yet keep our noses out and don't ask him any similar questions because that's his business.
This makes for a very difficult and one way conversation AIBU to say it's fine if he wants to be like that but should expect the boundaries work both ways then?

what is your relationship like with him otherwise?

Apart from finding conversations awkward we get on fine. Although if he's in he's usually upstairs.

If he wants the easy life of living off someone else

i missed that he make no financial contribution to the family?

op surely most days you don’t do anything very different from the previous day…. work? dog walk? grocery shop?

so embrace these few minutes when he’s asking about your day

so embrace these few minutes when he’s asking about your day

Or if you believe you're worth more than a few crumbs, teach your son to respect you if he wants to live in your home.

My kids were super secretive as teens but didn’t ask what I’d been up to. They started giving me the edited highlights around age 18. I don’t expect total transparency because everyone deserves privacy but conversations work both ways and giving a little is part of the deal.

Yanbu to point out that this is weird and that it will affect friendships and relationships if he’s like this with others.

Next time he asks how your day has been just reply breezily yes it was good thanks and yours?

And swiftly move on or continue doing what you were doing.

In my house of older teens nobody can enter the bathroom when they are in the shower (they lock the door fair enough)however when I'm in the shower they will knock and say they need to come in as they need the loo or to clean their teeth etc.

I've taken to locking the door now and telling them il shout them when I'm out which is exactly what they do.

The other day one of them commented on how I took ages and they were waiting to which I replied they do the same to me.

I've also got adult dc that aren't like it as they've grown up with me expecting the same boundaries they do

good grief

Does he pay his way OP?

You could say the same back. Or you could make something totally outlandish up. But yeah he needs to stop fishing if you're thinking about downsizing and he'll have to move out.

@kt8

i think he's trying to be polite & show interest in your day/life. To make conversation with you. Try asking him if he's heard about xyz on the news or whatever rather than asking him about his day. He's an adult, not adulting, because he's still at home. He's stuck in defensive mode.

I wouldn't complain if my parents stopped sharing with me.
I understand that if I get the choice in what I share, as do they.
For me there is borderline abusive behaviour through my childhood and my mum has never been a safe person to share my life with. They get the good news but they don't get the bad days. I'm bipolar for example and they don't know about this and anything related this which limits day to day conversations. Nearly 20 years later I constantly hear how hard it was for my mum when I was depressed in school. Not once has she said how hard it might have been for me to have been a teenager and suicidal.

Fgs why is it always so bloody intense on here

when you’re asking him stuff and he’s not forthcoming, can you not just lightheartedly Say to him ‘come on Steven, tell me about your day’

Psychologically it’s probably a throwback to his teenage years. You can’t even ask some teens “How are you?” without getting a “God, you’re so annoying! Why are you ALWAYS interrogating me??” in response. It sounds to me like he’s being triggered when you ask him about his day. I’d talk to him about it and explain how he asks you questions but you’re made to feel unreasonable by doing the same to him. Ask him to have a think about why this is and why he’s still feeling like that at 25.

I think it's very common for adult children living at home to stay stuck in their teenage/student phase for longer than they would if they moved out.

I remember moving back home for a while in my twenties and the dynamic is really odd. You still feel like a child and your parents often don't treat you as an actual grown up either. I don't think it's malicious, it's just an odd dynamic as they still see themselves as "the parent" even though they don't need to be.

It sounds to me like he's still in teenager mode and doesn't really know where he fits in. He shouldn't be rude but equally I do sympathise with him - it's probably time he looked at getting his own place tbh. When I finally moved out for good my relationship with my parents improved drastically.

next Time he asks you what you did that day, I’d just straight out say:

please could you explain why you want to know what we did with our day, but when we ask about yours, you won’t tell us anything?

he sounds like he’s going to make someone an awful husband. Can you imagine trying to communicate with someone so practised at being evasive? It would literally drive a spouse to tears and depression.

I would also tell him to move out if he doesn’t improve this shitty behaviour. Tell him if his life is private, then so is yours and it’s no longer appropriate to live like this.

My daughter can be a bit like this on certain days, cagey and non communicative. But then, she surprises me and tells me what’s happening at work, who annoys her, her mental health difficulties, views on what’s happening in the world etc. it just depends on the day. I do struggle with it though, not knowing what she is going to be like from day to day but do enjoy our chats immensely when we can have them. She is moving out soon and I think that will be a healthy thing for our relationship as she spreads her wings.

I'm not a big fan of petty tit for tat but sometimes words don't get through to people, they can't empathise and the only way for them to get what it feels like to have really evasive answers when you try to make conversation is to do it back to them

In short, no. It comes across quite petty that you're thinking of shutting your son out because he's not very open about his life. It seems like you want to put this "boundary" in place as a way of punishing him for not opening up more. It all feels a bit tit for tat.

I've lived at home during my adult life and also preferred to keep my private life to myself. I think that's probably quite normal when you're an adult living at home. You want to maintain some sense of independence.

By all means stop telling him about your day and including him in conversations if you want to shut your son out even more.

Does he have any friends?

That’s not a conversation, that is an interrogation.

Time for sonnyboy to find an alternative gaff methinks

does he think you will be critical?

Any reason he can't move out where he can have all the privacy he wants?!

Sounds like he's still stuck in teenage mode.

It helped us to have a conversation with our young adult son to explain that when we ask where he's going and with whom this isn't us trying to control him- we are just interested and asking questions about his life in the same way that he is asking us. We are not judging or going to say anything beyond "have a good time".

Although I guess the flip side is if you are judging and making remarks about everything he does, that might be why he doesn't feel he can share.

All these adults in their 20's still stuck at 13 or thereabouts. Just answer the same as him. It's weird. Does he have any friends?

Does he work for MI5?