To give son the same boundaries he gives us?

[kt8]

We have a grown up son who still lives with us and everyday he will come home from work ask us about our day, he wants to know what we've been up to where we've been and if we're talking he'll ask what we're talking about but then when we ask him what he's been up to or if he's been anywhere nice we get shut down because that's none of our business.
His life is very private yet he expects our lives to be an open book, he expects to be in on everything we do, say or plan yet keep our noses out and don't ask him any similar questions because that's his business.
This makes for a very difficult and one way conversation AIBU to say it's fine if he wants to be like that but should expect the boundaries work both ways then?

I just think sons are far less forthcoming than daughters.

I think you should give the same boundaries but in a jokey way. Just to it point out to him that he should open up a bit more and it’s not nice if people are closed off. Do it jokingly but definitely make the point.

Does he not do much? Do you and DH have a lot you do? Is he possibly living vicariously through you and doesn't want you to know he's not doing anything interesting?

I think this is really astute. If every time he says what he is doing he feels judged or he remembers when he would get a negative comment when he said what he wanted to do then this may be why.

It also sounds a bit like he is grey rocking you!

I think it partly depends on why he is living at home, OP? And does he contribute financially and in doing household jobs? ie is it otherwise a healthy set up?

25 is far from a teen, but if he has never lived away from home, he may not have fully developed adult social skills, which needs addressing somehow.

Tbh, I really hate answering these kinds of questions. I'm polite of course, but I'm more like to give a breezy but superficial answer. I'm more happy listening to someone else talk about their day/lives/plans than talk about mine. Not sure why. I'm quite private, I guess, and also introverted.

Everyone is free to do the same. I don't force people to share their info.

Maybe he's the same? But obviously ruder, in the way children may feel they can be with their parents. If you're annoyed at the imbalance, just respond to his enquiries how he responds to yours 🤷‍♀️

This.

What is it you want OP? Is it for your DS to be more open about himself/his activities, or is it for him to stop quizzing you about yours?

You don’t have to tell him anything; don’t engage if that’s the case. Make your boundary and adhere to it (boundaries are for ourselves, not others).

You can’t make him be more forthcoming, he’s an adult after all. Hopefully one who contributes to the household - if not, you can always ask him to move out.

I’m inclined to agree with a previous poster who said he’s possibly attempting to establish/keep boundaries due to his age.

Or he could be completely unaware. Have you actually spoken to him about it? I’d want to bring it out in the open, simmering annoyances/irritations can fester. Don’t be tempted to play games though OP, that won’t lead to anything good.

I don't think you should react that way, it's very petty. I get your annoyance though, it's really odd that he clearly has an interest in your life and wants to talk about how your day has been but shuts down conversations about his own life. If it weren't for him asking you questions I would think he is just rude and/or grumpy. Sounds like there is something going on he doesn't want to talk about.

God you sound petty as fuck! It's great that you have a son that will come in and chat with you and be interested in your day. Sounds like it's information that you're happy to chat about. Seems he is less comfortable talking about himself. That's absolutely fine. Lots of people would rather talk about other people's lives than their own, for all sorts of reasons. Doesn't mean that they're not good company or that they are purposefully being obstructive.

Yes, you could say I'm not talking to you anymore unless you start talking more about your life, but that would just be pathetic. He'd likely shut down even more, and you wouldn't get those little chats you currently do. All this talk of 'setting the same boundary' is just weird. For whatever reason, he doesn't want to provide a full account of his day and I just can't see the big deal with this.

FWIW my mum complains that she only gets one word answers from my brother when asking how he is. He's just not big on smalltalk. It wouldn't occur to her though to stop talking to him because of it. Good way to alienate your son though if that's what you want to do.

I agree with the poster above, some people just aren’t great at talking about themselves. It doesn’t mean they’re grey rocking you or doing some sort of power play 🙄 I definitely don’t think your son should move out because of a minor communication difference!

You sound insufferable.

I think you're at different life stages to your son. We're very close to our 23 year old son and he's very respectful and open but there a lots of things I wont ask him if it's clear he doesn't want to tell us. I know he's been having a few dates recently but I don't ask because he'll tell us when he wants to.
Most of the stuff we do as his middle-aged parents is somewhat less exciting and less personal so happy to tell him.
I think the private life of a young person is often very different to that of his married parents and I try to respect that. Always here for him when he wants to chat and he often does.

He sounds very rude. Dont see why he can't share what he's been up to, considering it's his go to topic of conversation.

Like a pp said if he values his privacy so much and thinks he can communicate with you in a rude manner - time to go, I think 25 is a good cut off point. You've provided great support but time to be independent before he turns 26.

Does he disrespect you in any other way?

Is he paying you rent? Take part in household chores? Treat you both to a takeaway weekly/fortnightly? Cook dinner once or twice a week? Contribute to food shopping? Or is he using you for a free ride and not even having the decency to converse with you in a proper two way manner?

Asking him about his day, which is what he asks op, isn't the same as asking about his private life, or who he's dating. It's a conversation starter and the person being asked can take it in any direction he likes - something interesting that happened at work, something he saw on the way home, something he read online or in a newspaper. None of which need involve talking about anything he'd prefer to keep private.

He sounds rude.

I'd stop telling him anything, give him a taste of his own medicine.

I have a very similar situation, OP.

Our (lovely) 25 year old lives with mates in London. He comes home often, but we have no clue what he’s up to in between and he never tells us. For example, we saw on his Instagram that he was in Rome. He never bothered mentioning it! I only knew he was going on various other weekends away - Barcelona, Seville, Porto to name but a few, because his girlfriend mentioned it. He did deign to send us a photo from the top of a mountain last weekend which is pretty unusual. We are not nosey types at all. But I think it’d be nice to know if he’s out of the country.

He, on the other hand, is quite happy to know the minutiae of our lives. He has access to all of our security cameras and often sends us screenshots with a comment! He also tracks us via Find my Friends, but we’re not allowed to have him on ours. He’ll track our planes when we go on holidays too.

I don’t really mind as he is very close to us and completely lovely. I would never want to be nagging or needy. It’s not even secretive, he just doesn’t bother telling us stuff 🥴

He also tracks us via Find my Friends,

any future partners of this man will be on mumsnet talking about their hellishly controlling partner

Find my Friends was a godsend in my family after someone had a terrible car accident and was unconscious and off the road. My husband and I wouldn’t dream of not having it. Definitely nothing controlling about it.

A few questions:

• Is he (or could he be) neurodiverse/ autistic i.e. can't empathise or can't quite understand social norms?
• Is he at a normal level of maturity for his age or do you feel he might be a bit behind/ delayed/ a late bloomer in some ways? (so maybe he's still acting like a 15 year old in some ways)?

If the answer to both of these is no, then I'm wondering if there is something going on that he doesn't want you to know... and in which case I'm wondering if as a parent that is something you should be worried about? Could be drugs, could be a concerning relationship, could be gangs, could be anything.

Are any of these things possibilities?

If all of these things can be discounted, then as a final consideration, you probably just have an unpleasant and entitled son who needs to move out.

I like to give young people the benefit of the doubt first of all though and consider whether there is anything else going on. There's usually a reason for behaviours which seem a bit off.

Blimey you sound like one of the women in my group who never ever shares anything.
I always think it’s a bit sad and I can never get to know her properly if she won’t talk about anything.
I feel very awkward with her because either I am gassing away about my life and possibly boring her, or we are just talking boring pleasantries about the weather/what’s on tv.

'What have you been up to?'
'None of your business.'
'Okay. Then how about you move out and we can all have our privacy.'

I'd do this too!

Young people are so entitled- like your business is theirs too but his business is private! Just communicate this to him and stop answering his Qs if he doesn’t change, tell him it’s private

Oh no I do this 🫣

ok so you are actively happy for him to have find a friend on his phone

and the fact say he doesn’t want his parents tracking him when he’s in his mid twenties bothers you?