To give son the same boundaries he gives us?

[kt8]

We have a grown up son who still lives with us and everyday he will come home from work ask us about our day, he wants to know what we've been up to where we've been and if we're talking he'll ask what we're talking about but then when we ask him what he's been up to or if he's been anywhere nice we get shut down because that's none of our business.
His life is very private yet he expects our lives to be an open book, he expects to be in on everything we do, say or plan yet keep our noses out and don't ask him any similar questions because that's his business.
This makes for a very difficult and one way conversation AIBU to say it's fine if he wants to be like that but should expect the boundaries work both ways then?

Blimey! That's an awful lot of aggression being expressed, are you OK?

When is he planning on moving out?

It sounds like having a housemate which I personally wouldn't want at my stage of life.

I feel like adult children need to be part of the household or live independently

Hah, this sounds just like me when I briefly lived at home in my mid-20s. I paid rent, but my "D"M was contantly grilling me about what I'd been up to like I was a teenager. She'd demand to know what I'd eaten at work every day and then critique it, and when I went out for drinks with friends, she'd insist that I list every single person who was there. She also tried to slap a curfew on me.

Eventually I got so fed up I just told her nothing and rediected by asking her about her day instead.

Not saying you're quite that bad OP, but make sure you're not givng your adult child the Spanish Inquisition every time they come home...

Isn’t it normal to ask people how their day was and what they’ve been up to? It’s polite when you’re genuinely interested in your family’s life.

This seems usual conversation to me:
”Did you have a good day?”
”Yes thanks, met some friends in the park.”
”Lovely, you look like your caught the sun. Nice day out!”
”how was your day?”
”Fine thanks, pottered about at home.”

This is also usual conversation but I’d find it a bit stilted if it was every single time:
”Did you have a good day?”
”Yes thanks”

If you’re doing the below then I understand his point:
”Did you have a good day?”
”Yes thanks, met some friends in the park.”
”which friends? Was Alex there? I thought you didn’t talk. Which park? I hope not the one where that man was mugged! What time did you leave?”

When you speak to your son is it as another adult or do you revert back to treating him as a little boy?

If you use the same questions you did back when you were asking about his day at school he may subconsciously react like a defensive teenager.

Are you judging his choices or offering well-meaning advice which he didn't ask for?

I moved back in with my parents for a time in my late 20s and although I look back on it fondly it was hard at times. Sometimes they seemed to forget that I'd survived for years 'out there' on my own. I'm guessing they might say I was like a stroppy 15 year old a couple of times.

If he isn't all that confident about his work and social life he may feel like he has to dodge questions to avoid a lecture or the Spanish inquisition. A lot of young adults are struggling to find themselves and don't appreciate mum and dad putting their oar in even if you mean the best.

I think it's nice that he's asking about your life. He's trying to keep a connection going. If you stop responding it might cause your relationship to dry up. If you want the focus taking off you for a bit, try asking his opinion on neutral subjects, current events, shared hobbies, TV or whatever.

Honestly, it’s nice that he asks you questions and shows interest in your day. Many teens and young adults don’t do this with their parents.

You say he “expects your lives to be an open book” but does he? Or is he making conversation with you in a way that feels comfortable and you’re participating, then quietly seething? You haven’t mentioned him being angry if you don’t answer particular questions or him refusing a polite redirect or refusal.

You’d be absolutely reasonable to set whatever boundaries on info sharing you want. Before you do that I would consider a couple of things

a) Reflect critically about your goal and motivations in doing so. Are you finding yourself sharing more than you’re comfortable? Then that’s an opportunity for healthy boundary setting. Or are you just trying to punish or needle him into reacting? That’s usually more of a path to manipulation attempts than healthy boundaries.

b) Have you had an honest conversation about how it makes you feel to be constantly shut out of the life of your child who lives in your home, and asked him to make an effort at a more reciprocal relationship? For this to be effective you’ll also need to be open to taking in feedback from him about how your responses to any sharing he does (or did) may be prompting a more closed off approach.

Reflect critically about your goal and motivations
be open to taking in feedback

What is this, a workplace appraisal or evaluation??? Is there a form to fill in?

Don't people just talk to each other any more? Like have a conversation where one person says something, then the other person says something?

I hope all the people who can't possibly tell their parents anything about their lives aren't surprised in a few years time when their parents have given up asking, and don't show any interest in their grandchildren.

He's 25, a long way from being a teen! I was married with a child by that age. And he's not "chatting" with his parents, it's a one way conversation, thats not a chat.

Why not? If the conversation goes something like -
DS: What have you been doing today, Mum?
OP: Nothing much, just went shopping. Have you been doing anything interesting?
DS: None of your business

• then my response would be "Why is none of my business if you've just asked me exactly the same question?"

If you and your spouse are both in the room when he starts interrogating you, I'd turn it into a double-act.

Son: What have you been up to?

You: <turns to spouse> What is it he says when we ask him that question?

Spouse: Well, he either asks 'why are we asking', changes the subject, walks off or remains silent!

You and Spouse together: <turn to son and smile, possibly walking off>

It is very weird that he expects to know all your business whilst so jealously guarding his. Perhaps the above double-act routine will bring that home to him!

I kind of see what might be happening here. He wants his privacy and doesn’t really want to talk about every element of his day with you. But feels an obligation to ask you about your day to be polite.

I have one like this age 39. Not living with us though.

Give her a couple of glasses of wine. That usually loosens my lips.

I don't get bored hearing others talk about themselves 😊

My answer would be “ you want privacy, move out” then stop answering his questions. It is total power and control tactics. Stop engaging with it.

I would tell him that his acting like a twat and he probably wants to work on that if he wants a happy life.

Have you had a discussion with him about how you are feeling?

This could describe my relationship with my parents. I’m 40 now but it’s been like that since early 20s when I learnt how to put those boundaries in.

Its because when I share information with my mum she will try to control it or me, often by being hugely critical. It comes from a place of anxiety so I’m sympathetic to an extent but it is horrible to be on the receiving end of.

This might not apply to your relationship at all but I wonder what happens when you scroll forward to the next part of the conversation. How does he respond to the information that you share? Could you mirror that when he shares with you?

Could be as simple as he doesn’t like talking about himself… no hidden meaning? Who knows. Could be something more. I’d ask him?

Well, I think think that a petty tit for tat interaction is going to help tbh.

He's clearly a little bit immature still, and I suspect things will get better as he ages.

It definitely sounds like a good time for him to think about moving out.

My DS is a less extreme version of this. Clearly thinks my life is an open book as far as he's concerned, and while he'd never say MYOB, doesn't give back anywhere near as much about his, only when it suits him, and is very good at being evasive and shutting down enquiries about his plans when it doesn't. If I try to do the same he looks hurt and says 'Is it a secret or something?'

What a waster. Kick him out. Time he stood on his own two feet. You deserve so much better than this for a son.

I know someone like this and the truth is he has a very dull, isolated, odd life that he does not wish to share with his family. He is actually gay but can not admit it to anyone, has never had a relationship and cuts himself off from any close relationships of any kind. He is very successful at work but extremely private. Might your son be the same?

If as his parents you are expected to put up with this, it will probably be what he carries on into his relationships. It is pathetic and immature that he can't just be normal and talk. Yes, OP, point out the disparity.

I think this is typical of parent and children relationship. Children are accustomed to parents detailing their lives whereas as children get they tend to tell you less - possible due to fear of judgement. There is nothing wrong with putting boundaries - try not to take his behaviour personal.