To give son the same boundaries he gives us?

[kt8]

We have a grown up son who still lives with us and everyday he will come home from work ask us about our day, he wants to know what we've been up to where we've been and if we're talking he'll ask what we're talking about but then when we ask him what he's been up to or if he's been anywhere nice we get shut down because that's none of our business.
His life is very private yet he expects our lives to be an open book, he expects to be in on everything we do, say or plan yet keep our noses out and don't ask him any similar questions because that's his business.
This makes for a very difficult and one way conversation AIBU to say it's fine if he wants to be like that but should expect the boundaries work both ways then?

"We shagged on the couch all afternoon" might get him looking for rental accommodation! 😏

Yeah he needs to learn some manners

Clearly

He's your son, just enjoy talking and worry less about playing tit for tat.

Tell him to sod off! Why do people put up with crap from their own kids? I never understand this.

So you think his behaviour is weird/rude and are considering imposing a ‘boundary’ that means you also have to behave in a weird/rude way…? At 25 his brain has only just matured but you’re a full grown adult.

If that was my son, I’d ask why he was being so bloody weird and continue to enjoy conversations with him because in all honesty I’d rather have some conversation with him, than none.

I think you asking this question is every bit as weird as his behaviour.

The weird part is that he is so interested in your lives - but you don't seem to share a family life together.

At 25, and living at home, you'd expect to know his friends and generally what he gets up to and what he likes.

Does he feel happy and successful enough in his job?

Do you meet wider family and friends for social get-togethers? And does he join in?

Does he open up to anyone else?

Do you talk to him about what's happening in the news, the election, a film or drama series you've seen? And does he get involved?

If not. You should directly ask him why he's so interested in your life, but so secretive about his?

It's why is he so interested in your lives and what you're doing, but so defensive and secretive.

My favourite conspiracy theory would be he's another Luke D'Wit. But I expect he's harmless enough.

Feels a bit passive aggressive to give him a treat of his own.

I lived at my parents place as an adult for a few years. Of course I was grateful, it just never really felt like being home. One bedroom were I could sit (on my bed) in private. Sitting in the living room felt like visiting my parents. Being private about what I was up to was the only way to feel a bit of the privacy and I yearned for that. My mum did not understand and maybe it indeed is difficult to understand when you’re not in this position. It was just the only way I could cope.

Your man child needs to leave home…

Definitely NOT being unreasonable, he can't expect you to tell him everything about what's going on in your lives, then not tell you a single thing about his own life!

I would suggest ‘putting the same boundary in place’ is not a great solution in this situation. I suspect that might lead to less communication rather than improved communication between you and your son. I won’t attempt to psychoanalyze your son or indeed your relationship but I would have the solution might lie in more talking and some patience.

He sounds very odd and socially inept. Time to move out and stand on his own two feet!

@kt8
Your son is 25.
At 25, I had been out of my parent’s house for 7 years..
This is none of my never mind, but shouldn’t you be encouraging your son to live on his own? His privacy would make more sense if he did.
And this tit for tat would be unnecessary.

is he closer to his grandparents?
are you able to back off and give him a chance to confide in you

Maybe he’s got a secret girlfriend he’s not ready to tell you about yet? Don’t worry, once he’s had kids he’ll be on the phone to you over sharing every 20 minutes if he’s anything like me 😂😂

I think you must know that parenthood is a one way trip. You have always given them everything they demand but you demand at your peril. This is normal. I expect he is largely being polite in asking you questions which you eagerly respond to. His greatest need is for some separation to be an independent adult. This is already hard as he is living with you. He has to separate to be an adult. Make it easier for him not harder or he will have to leave.
It is, as Melanie Klein said, one of the necessities and tragedies of motherhood.

He's ready to move out and get a place of his own is what this means.

My adult son lives with us. He has the top floor of our house. He is a shy quiet person with social anxiety. We engage with him at mealtimes, kind of modelling conversations he might have with people at work. He is a bit embarrassed about still living at home but his job is worthwhile though low paid. He has improved over the years and people at work clearly like him. He does mistake seeming secretive for being independent . I wish he would find a special someone. I would be the adult though and not play tit for tat games with him. Just try to show him what respect and courtesy look like.
I don’t know how relevant this is but we are all different and unless you think he is in danger or trouble I would just try to meet him where he is.