To give son the same boundaries he gives us?

[kt8]

We have a grown up son who still lives with us and everyday he will come home from work ask us about our day, he wants to know what we've been up to where we've been and if we're talking he'll ask what we're talking about but then when we ask him what he's been up to or if he's been anywhere nice we get shut down because that's none of our business.
His life is very private yet he expects our lives to be an open book, he expects to be in on everything we do, say or plan yet keep our noses out and don't ask him any similar questions because that's his business.
This makes for a very difficult and one way conversation AIBU to say it's fine if he wants to be like that but should expect the boundaries work both ways then?

Maybe it's time he moved out.

Where does he work? Is he working in law where there is a duty of confidentiality (albeit he could give a general outline). One of my children work in a government setting and he isn't allowed to tell us anything. Jut is happy to talk about his social life and gf.

I'd make up really random stuff to check if he's actually paying attention or just asking because it's the right thing to do sort of thing.

Something like you've just booked a trip Zorbing round lake Windermere, the neighbour was annoying you so you've put weedkiller in their flower beds. If those sort of things are met with an "oh right" you know he's not really listening and can start discussing your wildest sexual fantasies with dh

I think it's odd that you haven't already challenged him about this. After the first couple of times I'd have said myob when he asked me about what I was up to, and explained why.

Goodness, I'm sorry to hear that critical self-reflection and openness to hearing feedback from your loved ones on how they're experiencing your interactions is something that seems strange to you outside of an employment evaluation.

I think this is typical of parent and children relationship. Children are accustomed to parents detailing their lives whereas as children get they tend to tell you less - possible due to fear of judgement. There is nothing wrong with putting boundaries - try not to take his behaviour personal.

Why would someone not show any interest in their grandchildren because they don't think their adult child is telling them enough?

These are the type of parents adult children won't want to speak to in the first place because everything is conditional and they'll have grown up with it.

Appalling

This, honestly. Perhaps he should look at rentals where he doesn't need to interact with anyone.

I would be tempted to divulge lots of saucy details about what you and his father get up to when he's put of the house. Maybe include a couple of neighbours for good measure..that will stop him.

They'll just blame it on the parents just as various posters have done here.

Job done.

I would not put boundaries or stop chatting to him because then the lines of communication will be closed down and it might just stay that way. I would pull him up on it though if he was really rude.

My son is a similar age, he doesn't live with me but I often text him and ask him something normal about his day or what he's doing and he'll often answer with something like, "yes, why?"

I chatted to my mum a lot but there was a lot of stuff I wouldn't dream of telling her and still haven't.

Do you have a habit of discussing other family members business etc? We don't tell my in laws anything because they gossip about you and tell all and sundry your business. Used to be an open book and not now - not saying that's the reason but potentially he doesn't trust you to keep his business private.

If you enjoy telling him what you have been up to then tell him. If you don't enjoy it then don't.

But don't treat it as transactional.

You can absolutely tell him it's not something you want to share with him but if you are doing this purely to get back at him and thus deprive yourself of a conversation then what have you gained?

He doesn't have to tell you. You don't have to tell him.

If you want to tell him then do. But this doesn't mean he owes you the same

I would have a frank conversation with him about how you experience having a conversation with him. It's not going to help him in life if he's like this with everyone and he may not be aware it's like this for people trying to converse with him

This isn’t normal behaviour at all

By the way @kt8 your son is being rude.

yes he wants privacy but to go silent and making it awkward that’s not on and he’d be told that.

Has it honestly not occurred to you that allowing this creepy stalker behaviour is supporting your child to be a creepy stalker? How will he realise that actually if he does this to a partner the appropriate reaction is for them to call the police immediately??

Agree. It's really not normal behaviour.

Am I the only one that thinks it's kind of nice that the son takes an interest in your life and wants to know about your day?

No, I wouldn't do tit for tat unless you actually mind answering his questions. He probably wouldn't get thst you are doing it to teach him a lesson unless you explicitly tell him.

I assume what you actually want is for him to share more about his life with you rather than just being annoyed that you are providing information and he isn't. So maybe just talk to him about it rather than playing games.

I'd be a bit worried about what he's getting up to that he doesn't want to share. Maybe it's perfectly normal but if there is a worrisom3 reason then it's definitely better to keep the lines of communication open.

Haven’t read the whole thread, but is it just me who thinks it’s nice that he is taking an interest in his parents’ lives?!

If you equally shut down the conversation, what conversation will be left?

It's so funny reading this outrage because he's closed off or evasive. I'm like this and it's just because I find the minutiae of my own life beyond dull but like hearing people chatter if they want to witter on. If you enforced boundaries he'll just not talk at all and you'll have lost him. Like others have said it's just a sign that being the parent never ends

I think it is best to remember who among you has had more practice at adulthood and show him positive boundary setting. So share freely until it makes you uncomfortable, then say so. Don't make it a power struggle, and don't expect to know every aspect of your son or daughter's lives, be light hearted around it. It's partly also lack of confidence in who he is or how he presents himself to you. Or maybe he fears judgement and feels it is better to say nothing. I remember finding talking about myself excruciating at times when I was younger and feeling embarrassed, probably also being slightly hazy about what to share and what not to share with others. My confidence, and the acceptance that I was fine, just as I was, and the ability to set and maintain boundaries, mostly developed in my 30s and 40s. At 25 you may be an adult but you still have your training wheels on in terms of emotional maturity.

It probably didn't help that my dad while loving could be hypercritical, and one big Mr Buzz Killington and I would share what I thought was something joyful and lovely and get it shot down.

Honestly you sound like simple the most stupid simple family tell your son have manners or get out

Does he work, OP? I could understand him not wanting to talk about it the minute he gets home - I used not to, because I was always very tired after a minimum 90 minute commute, and there wasn't really anything to tell, my job was always the same. I just wanted Mum to give me time to have a shower and relax a bit first. But he's being bloody rude whatever the reason. I can't imagine saying "None of your business" to my mother!