AIBU with my mum on what kind of support I need with early parenting?

[sonta8]

I just gave birth to a baby boy. He is 3 weeks old now. I have had first tough week with him with multiple A&E trips.

My mum has traveled to stay with us to support us with child birth. Last couple of days I have had a lot of drama with her where she is annoyed that I don’t let her do a lot of baby stuff like changing and feeding with bottle. Tbh I have been hogging the baby - I want to feed him and change him. I feel this need to make sure I do everything for him. And we want things to be a certain way. And my mum has been pushing us to do this and that and telling us on everything we have been doing wrong. I think she is also annoyed that I didn’t take her to birthing room. I think she feels less valued. I might have also snapped few times because on the constant commentary on how we should do things. Maybe I am not letting them do enough things for their grand son. But she does pick him up and play with him and keep him company when I need to shower etc.

Now she wants to leave early because I think she is upset with us. She is managing most of the cooking etc. And I am grateful that she came to support us but I feel it should not be about her but about supporting us. AIBU?

I can't believe the selfishness of some people.

If my dd had a rough birth and into a and e, it would be my pleasure to do the donkey work without judgement, cristissing or demanding to hold the baby.

That will all come. Stabilise mum first

But the op doesn’t want nor has asked for help with the baby. Most new mums don’t want nor ask for help with the baby, they want help with everything else that makes having a new baby harder. Like, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, holding the baby so mum can shower etc if she wants to. That’s literally what the village would normally have done, not take a newborn away from the only person it needs to be with because they want a cuddle instead of the baby’s mum. Newborns literally don’t even know they’re separate from their mum. Nobody should be caring for the baby at all (apart from the dad) unless mum explicitly wants that to happen. Spoiler alert, ive never actually met a mum who does want that to happen…because it’s perfectly natural for mums and babies to want to be together. What’s not natural is for that mum also to have to cook, clean, do laundry, have constant stream of
visitors and have to hand over their baby for other people to feed/change nappies/clothes of etc.

I’d never heard of mums doing absolutely everything for the baby until recently. I mean no one else but mum ever doing a nappy change/ feed/ bath. I find this odd, but each to their own and if that’s what you want, your mum should respect that.

total different dynamic in my family, my mum, MIL and nana all helped a lot, especially with my 1st and 2nd as I was only young. I was glad of the help. I found being attached to the baby 24/7 overwhelming.

Yes you are being unreasonable. You are treating your mum as a slave .having a baby does nir mean you can be cruel and selfish, its normal for grandparents to want help with he baby. And your lying about not letting anyone else help as you then said dad does 50/50. So why is your mum doing all the cooking and cleaning? Both and your husband are there. I dont get the new rationale where being a new mum means other people should treat you like princess and serve you for no ‘reward’

I miss my mum so much, when she visited after the birth of my second child I remember waking to see her face and falling back to sleep, she picked up my daughter, changed her and took her for a walk so I could rest. Maybe control wise I could argue the silly schedule and whatever but I felt so loved and she felt able to still be my mother when she thought I needed it. Don't burn your bridges with made up rules you teeny baby doesn't care at all

YABU. She’s helping you and she doesn’t even get a cuddle. She’s had her own kids; you have to trust her!

She wasn't.in the birth room, nor has she hugged or helped the baby? She's only cleaning and cooking?! She's passed off She's not experiencing any nice things with the baby, and feels like a slave. Of course she wants to go home, I would too! In a few months you're going to need a break, and need a baby sitter.

If she leaves, please, please make sure she knows that her three weeks of doing the drudge work was appreciated, and that you love her.

I don't think you (or some others on this thread) have any idea what a huge emotional thing it is to become a grandparent. To have your baby have her own baby. Why should you know? I didn't until it happened to me. It was mind-blowing. The closest thing to the feelings I had when my two were born.

Of course she's not the most important person in this scenario. But her feelings do matter. She will have been desperate to hold and help this tiny baby who carries her genes. She's instinctively primed to, just as you are primed to have your maternal instincts.

We grandmothers have to hold those feelings back. To focus on our daughters. But those feelings are still there, and she's had to do all the tedious stuff and none of the stuff that she yearned to do. Three weeks is a long time.

So yes, make sure she feels loved and appreciated. And remember that in the more primitive cultures, the grandmother DOES do a lot of the new baby care. So it must be part of the natural scheme of things. So try to loosen up a bit as soon as you can, and let her have those moments.

For goodness sake let your mum change a bloody nappy and give him a bottle (of course if your are breastfeeding and don’t want to introduce bottles then don’t, but maybe let her wind him) she has come to help you and presumably bond with her grandchild, a few nappies, getting him dressed etc won’t kill you. You will have YEARs of nappies ahead of you and trust me the novelty will wear off and you will wish you had someone to do them for you!

While it sounds great to get an extra pair of hands or does sound like you’re stepping on eaxh others toes and you’d probably find a bit more of a smoother routine with your baby if your mum went home as I feel her moving in with you is a bit much but that could just be me i would honestly hate this haha. I can’t remember if you mentioned a partner but I actually found once my partner went to work that’s when I found my own rhythm and confidence with my day to day and worked out nap schedules etc

This would have been my dream. I got no support from anyone. Enjoy it while you can. Apologise and ask her to come back, or send her round to mine :) seriously I know you want to do things and thats perfectly normal but please just enjoy the help it only gets harder x

Op, all it takes is to make her feel valued, part of the family and not the hired help, there to do the drudge work. She matters too.

Had the same situation after my first child’s birth. Except it was my mother in law. She complained to my husband about the situation and I found her sense of entitlement outrageous. I had never asked for her help in the first place and ended up finding her presence very intrusive.

Your mother is ready to go home because she is probable tired.

Neither of you are wrong or unreasonable. Probably best she went home though as neither of you will bend on your feelings so just have a break and things will differ when you’re ready to ‘share’ him a little more (perfectly understandable you don’t want too as well).

Thanks everyone! This thread really helped me see things from her perspective and get more acceptance about my feelings as well.

So, I had a chat with her. I told her that I really like feeding him especially since I am not able to breastfeed because of lack of milk supply and feeding even with a bottle makes me feel a bit more connected. We have reached a comfortable place where she understands feeding is important to me and doesn’t try to push me.

I also mentioned that I appreciate her coming and helping. She has herself started toning down her commenting. I think I was also feeling a bit more emotional in the first couple of weeks which made me a bit short. I am feeling a bit better now, bit more myself - and that has improved my reactions to her suggestions a lot.

A lot of you suggested letting her leave. But I know my mum, she would have felt really bad if I would let her leave without resolving the sourness. And I think it would be ungrateful on my part to let the sourness fester. Leaving or not leaving is still her decision but I am not pushing her. She is planning to stick to her original plan now - which is great!

Thanks everyone again ❤️

Post partum emotions are so hard. Don’t be too harsh on yourself. And please don’t move your boundaries on anything important to you. I agree that she is only Trying to help and bond with the baby. But I remember saying to my mother in law when my daughter was tiny, she isn’t going anywhere. And that still stands. My mother in laws bond with my daughter is not down to her feeding her as a newborn…she never fed her because I bf.