AIBU with my mum on what kind of support I need with early parenting?

[sonta8]

I just gave birth to a baby boy. He is 3 weeks old now. I have had first tough week with him with multiple A&E trips.

My mum has traveled to stay with us to support us with child birth. Last couple of days I have had a lot of drama with her where she is annoyed that I don’t let her do a lot of baby stuff like changing and feeding with bottle. Tbh I have been hogging the baby - I want to feed him and change him. I feel this need to make sure I do everything for him. And we want things to be a certain way. And my mum has been pushing us to do this and that and telling us on everything we have been doing wrong. I think she is also annoyed that I didn’t take her to birthing room. I think she feels less valued. I might have also snapped few times because on the constant commentary on how we should do things. Maybe I am not letting them do enough things for their grand son. But she does pick him up and play with him and keep him company when I need to shower etc.

Now she wants to leave early because I think she is upset with us. She is managing most of the cooking etc. And I am grateful that she came to support us but I feel it should not be about her but about supporting us. AIBU?

If the levels were close to the treatment threshold the advice given to op is likely to have been to come back if it hasn't improved and baby reduces feeds or becomes more drowsy.
And if diarrhoea then starts whilst jaundiced it's even more concerning than in a healthy newborn.
Don't make horrified comments if you don't have basic medical knowledge.

You’re not unreasonable. If people offer to help they should listen and do what is being asked of them - I suspect you’d like help with cooking the nightly meal, housework/laundry not to palm your baby off.

It’s your first child it is natural (literally natural psychologically and hormonally) to want to be engrossed in your child, especially if you are trying to breastfeed. If your mother doesn’t want to help in the way you need her to, then, frankly, it would be easier and less stressful all round if she left early.

Sorry, but she doesn’t get to dictate and you don’t have to submit just because she has dressed up ‘wanting to be in control’ as helping. This is why many people chose not to have family visit or stay for the first 10 days.

Ask her to leave and try again when you need more help when baby is mobile.

She didn’t say it was serious. My dd looked a bit dark and I just asked my midwife. She said lots are jaundice these days because of the delayed cord clamping and lack of sunshine. You don’t want to be hiking a newborn to a&e at the drop of a hat, apart from the infection risk, A&Es are over stretched enough.

Really? You have repeatedly gone and spent three weeks doing someone else's cooking and cleaning? I don't think that is a normal/average level of help (and I am mystified as to why the dad can't do it) and I think you'd have to be quite saintly not to be a bit fed up at the end of three weeks of being a live-in maid

@Upinthenightagain you’ve made quite a few assumptions there based on what appears to be a very limited experience of mild jaundice. I had my DD at exactly the same time as a friend, mine had mild jaundice and was fine after a few days of decent feeding and some sunshine, her baby was hospitalised for a week under a bilirubin light, yes after a couple of trips to A&E. It really does depend on the severity and the baby and every A&E will say to parents to monitor it and come back if they are at all worried. Plus any A&E would say that with such a small baby no one takes any chances. So putting people off taking tiny babies to A&E is really not sensible.

Agree with this!!

All i would say is, in a few years down the road you'll look back and wonder why you didnt accept the help. Its HARD, really HARD with the first baby, just try and take the help if you can.

With jaundice they're generally yellowed skin and eyes rather than just being a bit dark like normal newborn skin. If your midwife was concerned that yours was properly jaundice you would've been advised to go to the hospital for a blood test as the midwife and gp don't do blood tests for babies and so can't check their levels any more than a parent can guess their levels.

The machine the midwives use for slightly jaudice looking babies is for guidance rather than giving an actual reading for either level.

Exactly, I would also like to know why the partner/husband isn't cooking the meals? Also I thinks she just wants to feel more like a granny not just a live in maid. I know I would want to hold my grand child and help to take care if it and not justclean and cook (although that's a very long way away).

Jaundiced babies look noticeably yellow and the whites of their eyes are also yellow.

Ignore those who are calling you selfish. How can you be selfish with your own newborn baby! Wow! Being protective over your baby is also not post anxiety necessarily. It’s your biological drive. Those fierce overwhelming instincts will become less and you’ll feel more comfortable with others with your child.

My mum came over and helped a lot when I was newly postpartum. She cooked, cleaned and looked after me as she said “I’m looking after you, so you can look after your child”

She was literally the only person who wanted to help me, not just come over to get her picture with my new baby whilst we hosted.

You’re going to get unsolicited advice. Some people can’t help themselves and will then get their knickers in a twist because you’re not doing what they suggested. Try your best to ignore them.

Sounds to me like she's getting a decent amount of baby time, just not the feeds? My midwife told me for the first 6 week even with bottle feeding to keep it to mum and dad doing the feeds, my mum and mother in law totally respected that.
Maybe let her do the odd nappy change? No matter how much she has helped with other things the criticising you both and your way of doing things is out of order and she needs to stop before you both start resenting her.

It's not really help imo if you are stressing the new mum out, frankly if my children ever ask me to help out with any future GC ill be there to look after MY child, anything else is a bonus.
I would hate to think I've marred my children's first weeks with their newborn.

Fair point

It sounds like you have used her for a few weeks and now she has served her purpose you won’t miss her if she went

You have made your expectations quite clear and your mother knows she won’t be missed so is withdrawing early and will probably get home feeling like she has been used and will have a good cry because she knows she won’t be returning anytime soon.

It's almost as if every woman's experience of giving birth and the newborn phase is different ...

Tbh I have been hogging the baby

He's three weeks old-you're supposed to!

I would let her go.

Of course you will manage-you are two adults & have one baby!

Obviously she was excited to be there asap but I think this is sometimes why it doesn't always work.

New parents want to be doing things themselves & working it out.

I do hope your husband has been stepping up with the cleaning & cooking though & not letting your mum do it all.

Yup, here we go. Once a woman has a baby she is the most important person in the world and everyone else is just an accessory to be treated as she wants. When did we get so selfish?

My lb is 4 months old.
Only my partner and myself have changed his nappy or given him his milk. I do the majority and my partner steps in when needed.
If my lb is ever upset when out, he is handed back to one of us which normally settles him.
You do what you want. They are only small for a short time.

She is the only important person in the world to a newborn. It’s quite the opposite issue, once a baby is born most people forget the mum is a person in her own right, who’s just been through one (if not the most) emotionally, mentally and physically draining event a human can go through. And at the end of it she has a tiny baby who takes weeks to understand that they are not separate entities - it’s painful for a mother and newborn to be away from each other. So yes, either suck up being her helper for a few weeks until she’s comfortable to sharing her baby with you some more, or stay away until you learn what is natural and not just simply expected to human socio norms.

She’s probably trying and you should be grateful. I got exactly 0 hours of help from family when I had my baby and having somebody cook meals would have been amazing. Imagine having nobody!

Honestly I wouldn't expect to cook & clean if my daughter had a partner.

If I chose to that's something.

But I would probably be more expecting to hold/watch baby so that my daughter could shower/sleep.

**
It's almost as if every woman's experience of giving birth and the newborn phase is different

Oh stop it, @llamajohn.

OP’’s experience sounds pretty run of the mill. Her husband is at home with her. Why they need grannie to cook and clean for 3 weeks - whilst being resented for wanting to give the baby the odd bottle, how very dare she? - is really beyond me.

I would have been ashamed of asking my mother to keep house for me for 3 weeks, with my husband at home too, with what sounds like bugger all gratitude.

I would have been ashamed of asking my mother to keep house for me for 3 weeks, with my husband at home too, with what sounds like bugger all gratitude.

This is one of those threads where people have taken the original post and ran with their own story. The op has said her mother decided to stay longer, that she has no issue with her mum leaving she just doesn’t want it under a dark cloud. She’s also said she’s grateful for what her mum has done and has had no issue with her mum having cuddles with the baby - it’s simply the op has wanted to establish feeding herself (which isn’t just normal with a newborn, it’s the absolute right thing to do). So what exactly is your gripe with the op?