AIBU with my mum on what kind of support I need with early parenting?

[sonta8]

I just gave birth to a baby boy. He is 3 weeks old now. I have had first tough week with him with multiple A&E trips.

My mum has traveled to stay with us to support us with child birth. Last couple of days I have had a lot of drama with her where she is annoyed that I don’t let her do a lot of baby stuff like changing and feeding with bottle. Tbh I have been hogging the baby - I want to feed him and change him. I feel this need to make sure I do everything for him. And we want things to be a certain way. And my mum has been pushing us to do this and that and telling us on everything we have been doing wrong. I think she is also annoyed that I didn’t take her to birthing room. I think she feels less valued. I might have also snapped few times because on the constant commentary on how we should do things. Maybe I am not letting them do enough things for their grand son. But she does pick him up and play with him and keep him company when I need to shower etc.

Now she wants to leave early because I think she is upset with us. She is managing most of the cooking etc. And I am grateful that she came to support us but I feel it should not be about her but about supporting us. AIBU?

I did have it and can confirm it is double edged

if you can clear the air - do.

my mum enjoyed being in charge of things so she did all food and washed the bottles did our clothes etc

I will say I do think it would not hurt to let her do a feed or change a few nappies.
use it to rest more. I didn’t and it was a huge mistake.

You're absolutely not being unreasonable. This is your recovery period and the ONLY person who knows what help and support you need is you!

I would say to her, "Mum I understand you are excited to be a grandparent but I have waited for 9 months to meet my baby so I want to bond with my child and perform parenting duties myself - I don't need anyone to feed my baby, do diaper changes bath times or put my baby to bed. I want to do those things for my own child because that's a parents job. I appreciate when you had kids that others may have done this things for you but I don't want to do things the same way. You're here because you wanted to help and that's not helpful to me. What would be helpful is helping me with the house or meals so I can bond with my child. You can absolutely hold your grandchild sometimes but right now the priority is the mother/baby bond. I'm sorry if this doesn't match with your expectations and if you choose to leave, that's up to you but I need to make my own decisions for my own child"

I said YANBU but it's a fag paper between me saying YABU. I don't know how far your DM travelled to support you but I know I didn't have any support when I had my babies from my own, and it's testament to how much she cares. Sure she's going to get on your nerves, you're all exhausted and in a totally new situation. However, as I was in her position a couple of years ago I know you can't get it right for getting it wrong. One daughter wanted me in birthing room (unexpectedly!) the second daughter didn't want me anywhere near (this partly due to her partner) but I dropped everything to look after their dogs etc, cleaned, got food in, did laundry to help (did ask first) when she was in labour. Was it appreciated? Err no. I didn't want one daughter to feel she got less attention but I was made to feel like I'd committed a crime. Still the same unless I'm paying for something. We're not professionals not servants. Just mothers who want to be there for our children, grandchildren. I'm sure it will settle itself in time and congrats on your new baby.

I didn't have family to support me other than DH. I survived. Of course you want to "hog" YOUR baby! It's lovely that she wants to help but I don't think it's unreasonable if you want to do changing and feeding yourself - or letting DH do it. If you were exhausted and needing sleep - that's when she could be helping out. Otherwise I think her role should be more about the cooking and cleaning so you can focus on your baby.

Why is this relevant to the ops request for advice?

After your update op, I think it’s time for her to go home now. As new parents you don’t need someone hovering around you criticising your parenting. Three weeks on you need to find your own feet as a new family.
I’d let her know how much you’ve appreciated her help but it’s time for just you as a family of three to bond now.

How is your post relevant?

It's a discussion forum. The OP doesn't get to control the topics that can be discussed.

I didn’t want my mum in with me when I had my boys as i personally think that is a you and your partner type event, everyone is different. I also didn’t want anyone to disturb us for the first week home either. Kept everyone at arms length so we could bond as our own family. I had C-section births and DH was only off for two weeks paternity, I didn’t want his short time with us interrupted and he wanted to be fully available to help support me and get into a routine without anyone else hovering around. We obviously kept in touch with people but we knew how overwhelming and overbearing it would be as we knew our families and what they would be like, we didn’t want that and wanted space. Our boundaries were respected and it made for a stress free start.

This - would it harm you to let her feed/change baby once or twice a day?

Yeah, OP, in future if you have concerns about your baby run it past upinthenightagain first because she clearly knows more about your baby and his health than you do.

OP, I feel for you. One of the reasons I love my mil so much is she came and stayed with me for 2 weeks after a very difficult birth. She did whatever I wanted her to do, never offered any advice really, just told me I was a wonderful mother, would appear after a nightfeed and say "would you like me to get him back to sleep for you?" She was so kind and helpful without interfering at all. Actually it was good to be reminded of this as she is driving me crazy right now!

I'd sit down with your mum and tell her how grateful you both are for all her help, tell her this was a very special time having her with you, tell her you understand if she needs to go home as she has done loads for her. Then tell her you hope she understands if you don't do everything the way she did/advises because every new mother has to forge her own way, right.

I'd really try not to fall out even a little bit over this.

I’m not clear whether you want her to leave or not? If you do, then thank her for her help and be glad of the space. If you don’t want her to go, then you need to consider a little give and take- you can’t always have everything 100% your own way- but perhaps talk to her about the advice/commentary and how it makes you feel? See if you can find a bit more common ground.

Did you ask/want her to come in the first place? If you would rather she had not come, then I can understand the irritation. However, if you asked/gratefully accepted the offer, then I think you are being more unreasonable.

I think your mum could be more tactful with her advice, as a constant commentary is a bit insensitive. If this is not typical of her, perhaps she is a bit worried about you/how you are coping, but not communicating it very well?

I think you can’t really expect her to do all the skivvying after you for weeks on end, and genuinely have no expectations/hopes of her own as to spending time with her new grandson. I understand you want to spend time with your son but I’m fairly sure the odd cuddle when it’s not just for your benefit (e.g. to give you time to shower) won’t cause any harm to you/your son or your bond. The way your post reads is that she should be grateful to run around after you and should expect or wish for nothing as it’s all about you and your wants.

I suspect the right/wrong is probably somewhere in the middle between the two of you. Perhaps she could be more understanding of the way you want things and just go with it, perhaps you could be less rigid and more generous towards your mother.

I think you might look back on this and think perhaps you could have handled this with a bit more grace. She may look back and think the same.

imo she should be there to cook clean do laundry and field visitors. She is not there for child related things and I can’t abide anyone even touching my baby never mind changing or feeding them!!!! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a mum being the primary care giver.
i can’t imagine giving this drama to my daughter or daughter in law when they give birth, I will absolutely be invisible and helping in all physical respects so they can focus on themselves and baby.

ABSOLUTELY NOT! This is your bonding time and not your mother's. It if fully appreciated what your mum is doing for you but she is crowding.

Completely reasonable to want to establish your own way of doing things. It sounds like maybe you need a break from one another - but you may be grateful for your mum being willing to help in the future, this is a long road! Depending on how far away she is, could you arrange for her to come back in a month or so? Perhaps do an 'it's not you, it's me, I feel I need to find my feet a bit' - not that you should put up with things like constant criticism, but to part on good terms (and so she might want to come back when you have a rambunctious toddler and want to shower on your own...)

As a mother and grandma I totally agree with you, support in the early days should be about supporting the new mother, doing the cooking, cleaning etc so she can focus on her new baby. It’s perfectly natural that you want to cuddle and care for your baby mainly just yourself at this stage, that’s how it felt with all my newborns

If she is hovering and criticising then best she goes home early. Thank her for her help but tell her you can manage ok. If she has to travel does that mean it may be a while before her next visit? 3 weeks is a long time so I would make future visits much shorter.

I think it’s a good time for her to leave anyway, no-one is being unreasonable but it seems counterproductive as you both have different expectations.

You would be being unreasonable if you expect her to stay longer without any compromise on your part.

My daughter hasn't had a baby yet but if/when she does I'd want to do as much to support her as she feels she needs. I'd expect to look after her , help with the cooking washing, cleaning, shopping, whatever was needed. I'm many cultures, past and present, mums or mils do this for 40 days to enable mum to recover from the birth, get feeding established and bond with the baby. I'd not consider it skivvying. I'd change and wash nappies too, I don't see what the problem is with the op wanting to change the nappies, and her DM getting upset that she isn't able to, but she needs to remember that you can tell so much from a nappy, about how the baby is thriving (or not) so even if she changes it mum will want to know what's in it.

The most supportive thing possible Is to support someone how they need and want the support . Mother and baby are the most important in this situation they are establishing their connection and resting. That needs to be protected.

If I become a mil I first off will be asking what level of interaction is wanted and how best I can support whatever feedback I get ill be listening to and act accordingly. If that means I don't visit at all until 3 months 6 months. If I only do food prep if I never feed or change a nappy ever. Then that's absolutely fine. I am not entitled to a newborn I've had my babies.

Kindly say to your mum op what is and isn't supportive if she can't be supportive in the way you need then thank her for her help and say goodbye untill you want visitors or whenever you are happy. You may find you want to have that little bubble with your partner and baby just you 3.

I don’t know if this has been mentioned yet but, YOU are her baby!! You’ve had a big event happen and your mum wants to support you and love you and in turn this amazing little baby that you’ve made.
Mums do like to do practical stuff and look after their offspring but also it’s nice and healthy that a newborn is lived by extra close members of the family - it’s completely acceptable to be besotted and feel how very strong you do about your baby - it stems back to the days when we needed to protect our young, but you are in a safer world now and in an environment where you can rest and recover as you have help on hand.
Maybe listen to your mum a bit even if it is unwanted but just because she’s done this before with you, and you seemed to turn out ok she might just have some good ideas.
I think you need some pampering and taking care of as you embark on this journey into parenthood and trust me you will never recoup this sleep!!

Let your Mum know you’re grateful- we need to hear that sort of thing x

You are both unreasonable. It is normal to feel like you want to do everything for the baby at the initial stage - but is that healthy for you? Maybe getting some time away would benefit you esp knowing baby is in safe hands with your mother. Meanwhile, she’s being very unreasonable for deciding to leave early if it’s driven by feeling that she’s left out from doing baby things. The trip is about supporting you, with whatever, cooking etc included. However perhaps she feels she’s unwelcome? It might be worth having a chat!

Your mum should be supporting and assisting you, not the baby, in my opinion, so housework, food, simple admin of you can, making sure you eat and drink, letting you sleep when the baby does. If you are happy for her to do baby things that's your perogative, BUT the baby is YOURS not hers, she is not entitled to anything you don't want to give. Let her leave if she wants to

It’s hard being a new mum OP, and I have to say it annoys me when people want to visit and play with the baby like it’s a Dolly when actually they’d be much better off if they wanted to help making the mum a cuppa!

However you also need to remember your mum is vastly more experienced with children than you are. And given you trust her to come be there for you, you arch the baby while you shower etc, she can’t have done a very bad job of it. I think it’s a bit patronising when older women are cast off as knowing nothing about babies when they are standing in front of the very person whose nappies they changed hundreds of times!

Absolutely all this from me as well but puts it better than I could and saves me the time!

I get why she wants to leave early, she came to help with the baby and she's not allowed to help with the baby except when you are in the shower by the sounds of things.