AIBU with my mum on what kind of support I need with early parenting?

[sonta8]

I just gave birth to a baby boy. He is 3 weeks old now. I have had first tough week with him with multiple A&E trips.

My mum has traveled to stay with us to support us with child birth. Last couple of days I have had a lot of drama with her where she is annoyed that I don’t let her do a lot of baby stuff like changing and feeding with bottle. Tbh I have been hogging the baby - I want to feed him and change him. I feel this need to make sure I do everything for him. And we want things to be a certain way. And my mum has been pushing us to do this and that and telling us on everything we have been doing wrong. I think she is also annoyed that I didn’t take her to birthing room. I think she feels less valued. I might have also snapped few times because on the constant commentary on how we should do things. Maybe I am not letting them do enough things for their grand son. But she does pick him up and play with him and keep him company when I need to shower etc.

Now she wants to leave early because I think she is upset with us. She is managing most of the cooking etc. And I am grateful that she came to support us but I feel it should not be about her but about supporting us. AIBU?

You have the right to do it your way but refusing to let your mother ever feed the baby (assuming you are bottle feeding.yourself. if bf, then of course doing a bottle just so someone else can feed is entirely up to you) or let her change thr baby is ridiculous. And babied love cuddles for sleeping at this age so why ot let her have baby for that sometimes while you nap or whatever.

what has been the problem that you have had to go to a&e such a lot? That sounds scary so I can imagine you are more sensitive but it feels to me like another reason to let your mother in. I was sent to a&email when ds was 6 weeks and it was my mother who was my.main support thay day. I was so grateful.

But it's up to you so tell her thank you for her help and you will see her soon.

Your mother did raise you so maybe how she does things isn't how you want to do things, this doesn't mean either of you are right so long as it's safe for the baby who cares.

You’re being a bit selfish OP. Baby will be tiny for such a short time and you can’t let her do the odd bottle or nappy? Just occasionally when you know it means a lot to her? And just expect her to do the bits you don’t want to do?
Are you pushing the baby’s dad out of the picture in equal measure?

Multiple A&E trips for a newborn is a lot. That does suggest you need support. So the question is will you compromise on what it means to get it?

The way I see it, she’s come to help and so let her. Let her change the nappies, change baby. Let her hold whilst you get some sleep. You’ll change many many more nappies and having an opportunity to physically recovery whilst also getting rest is priceless after a birth.

Do everything your way and only ever allow your Mother to wash the dirty pots. But remember this when you need childcare.

This is very much a PFB (Precious First Born) thing. You do not need to do everything for your child, the more people that love and care for them the better. If you have no concerns over your mother's ability to care for your baby then let her change some nappys. Let her give a bottle of you are formula feeding. Let her give baby a bath and take for a walk around the block. By all means don't let her take over but do share the load. If your baby has significant issues as suggested by several A&E trips already then having someone there from the start to learn how to care for your child properly and invaluable if you ever need respite in the months and tears to come.

Take the opportunity to get some rest as giving birth is hard on you too. In yesteryear you would have been kept in hospital for a few weeks and nurses would have looked after your baby so that you could recover so try and strike a middle ground

FFS she's her mum / the child's nan, not a hired skivvy. It says in the first post her mum travelled to stay there, it's not like she can just go home then come back in whenever the op feels like it.

Also "needing to do everything and things being done a certain way" will run the op into the ground before long even if she doesn't realise it.

I imagine your mum came to help with the baby, not to be your unpaid housekeeper.

You don't have to let her hold, change, cuddle, feed the baby etc if you don't want to, but equally it's quite reasonable for her to prefer to go home than skivvy for you. I expect her main motivation for coming was to get to know her new grandchild, not to do someone else's chores!

Congratulations! I understand you wanting to feed your baby yourself but couldn't she at least change the nappy sometimes?

And whilst again you want to hold on to the baby, does she get some time with him? When you're having a bath or a nap?

Is there any way you can give a little?

Supposed to be there to help???

What entitled bollocks is this?

She’s not your fucking maid so stop treating her like one!

@sonta8 to be honest, I have never understood the need to have a mother or mother in law there to help! start as you mean to go on. i was sent home on the saturday afternoon and my hubby returned to work full time on the monday morning. i coped. so what if he had to make the evening meal because i was feeding. it is a partnership with your hubby or partner, absolutely no one else needs to be involved.

Fairly sure cooking and cleaning etc is helping...

OP sounds like she actually has PND of some sort, absolutely insisting she does everything and has to e a certain way etc. she doesn't have to do every feed, every change, every bath etc. that's what dad is for (and granny) to give OP about if a break and time to rest and recover.

Is your baby ill or are you suffering with anxiety? I think that’s relevant to the dynamic with your mum.

You need time to bond with the baby.
Thank your mum for everything she's done, agree that it's probably best if you cut the visit short and apologise for being hormonal and reiterate that you love and appreciate your mum but need some space from everyone for a bit to bond with baby.

She sounds more like she just needs some space to be alone with baby. It's not normal to constantly have someone telling you how to do things whilst trying to get to know your newborn. If she's physically able to then it's completely normal to want to he doing as much as possible in the early weeks.

It's more an indication of PND when a mum is detached from a newborn and trying to hand it over to people as much as possible etc.

Lucky you that you didn't need the extra help

I would have loved it.. I could barely walk when I got home even after 10 days in hospital. I need pillows to sit on and one to support the baby when I fed. DH went back to work after a week. Sadly no mum or other family support. Luckily I had great friends who helped when I had DC2

What's wrong with having help anyway? It's not a sign of weakness and it's pretty usual in many cultures

I haven't voted because I think you both sound like you are being a bit unreasonable. She shouldn't be constantly criticising what you do. But you shouldn't be being quite so precious about trying to everything for the baby (I mean, not letting her change a nappy?!). I'm sure some of what you see as criticism is just advice based on what she learnt with babies.

Anyway, she wants to go home early, and you are annoyed with her. So I don't see the issue. Let her go. And maybe, with a bit of time and space, you will see you are being a bit precious over some things.

Has the baby really needed to go to A&E multiple times in the few weeks since they've been born or are you suffering from anxiety? Because the way you talk about needing to do everything for the baby sounds like you may need some support for yourself.

A newborn baby needs its mum more than anything. You’re not hogging your own child, this is the 4th trimester where it’s completely natural for the baby to be close to you at all times. People tend to forget that a newborn isn’t an object to be passed around because it’s cute and tiny, they’re still cuddly at 3 months plus. But other than that your mum isn’t a housekeeper and it may be time to remember that.

To be fair op this will pass I went a bit of a loon twice when my two were first born I hated anyone else holding them they were mine and I was over protective of them etc.
It does pass and then you are more than happy to have family hold them whilst you get five mins to yourself or you are able to have something to eat whilst someone else keeps them occupied.

Just take each day as it comes you are adjusting to motherhood and looking after your baby.
Your mum will get her cuddles soon.

Thanks for all the responses!

On my partner - So my partner is quite actively involved. He is taking up half the responsibilities. I think that’s also a little bit of the problem. A lot of things I think she expected to do is being done by my partner. Feeding we are already splitting between the two of us. I am not getting a lot of breastmilk so I am a bit sad that I have to bottle feed but I don’t mind splitting it with him. Since he also gets to make a bond with the baby. But I don’t want to skip feeding when it’s my turn and I don’t have anything else urgent at hand. I don’t mind the cuddling and playing. And happy for her to pick him up and rock him etc.

I am happy to take advice tbh and I think I just don’t like to be forced to do things a certain way. And the constant commentary on how I am doing things wrong is a bit annoying. My partner has been also getting a bit annoyed because he keeps getting constant hovering and instructions when he is changing him, feeding him etc.

Clarification on A&E - so he was a bit jaundiced. We had to start topping up breastmilk with formula and now he is doing better. We also went once for diarrhoea but it turned out all was okay and he is normal.

You don’t take your baby to a&e with jaundice or diarrhoea, you call your gp or community midwife that you should still be in contact with. You sound like you’ve got post natal anxiety and you can’t expect your mum to be taking on the burden of household shit while you sit there nursing the baby. It’s mean. Personally I would be grateful for her help

When you say us, are you referring to yourself + the baby's dad?

If so, then of course your mum was expecting at least some quality time with the baby - she shouldn't need to skivvy after two grown adults, newborn or not, for 3 bloody weeks straight.

You do realise that before proper paternity leave, babies would get taken home a day or two after birth and immediately dragged on the school runs and errands, plonked in the moses while mum does the housework etc, right?

It's probably for the best that your mum leaves, so that you can get used to being parents without someone running round after you doing the bits you don't like.

I can’t believe you’ve had such an awful rant at a PP first time mother the dared called her ‘mean’ because her mums cooking some meals or doing the laundry. Which she only seems to be doing so she can be paid in taking over the new mum’s role which is a huge learning curve (especially establishing breastfeeding). Her mum overstepped the boundaries from day one of expectation. The baby is her daughter’s, the baby still thinks they’re a part of their mother. To take over that is ‘mean’ to both mum and baby.

I am a grandmother. When my DDs had their babies I saw my role as taking some of the household load off them so they and their partners could concentrate on the baby. I was not there to muscle in and take over with the baby - I was there to do the donkey work and I was happy to do it.

Time she went home??