AIBU with my mum on what kind of support I need with early parenting?

[sonta8]

I just gave birth to a baby boy. He is 3 weeks old now. I have had first tough week with him with multiple A&E trips.

My mum has traveled to stay with us to support us with child birth. Last couple of days I have had a lot of drama with her where she is annoyed that I don’t let her do a lot of baby stuff like changing and feeding with bottle. Tbh I have been hogging the baby - I want to feed him and change him. I feel this need to make sure I do everything for him. And we want things to be a certain way. And my mum has been pushing us to do this and that and telling us on everything we have been doing wrong. I think she is also annoyed that I didn’t take her to birthing room. I think she feels less valued. I might have also snapped few times because on the constant commentary on how we should do things. Maybe I am not letting them do enough things for their grand son. But she does pick him up and play with him and keep him company when I need to shower etc.

Now she wants to leave early because I think she is upset with us. She is managing most of the cooking etc. And I am grateful that she came to support us but I feel it should not be about her but about supporting us. AIBU?

OP maybe it’s time to thank your mum for her help and support her decision to leave.

Sounds like you and your DH are coping well and she’s bit of a spare part.

Having my mum over for an afternoon a week in the early days was more than enough.

Your very lucky to have a mum that has helped for 3 weeks.
But it's now time for you to crack on with it your baby is yours and your partners responsibility for the next 18 years not your mum's.
You mum as done her bit and it time for her to relax.
Your a parent now you have to do your own house work and cooking cleaning etc it's not down to your mum to do it or run about for you.
You had a child like a lot of other people have but dont expect others to do what you should be doing.
Yabu.

I would like to know this too. I know many people can be a bit precious about their first baby but I think even you know you are going over the top as you said yourself that you are hogging the baby.

My mother can be difficult but having her around for the first 2 weeks when DC1 was born was a godsend. She did helpful stuff like cooking and washing, but she also did all the nappy changes, supported my breastfeeding and held the baby so I could eat.

mostly, she just knew stuff! She knew about the umbilical cord, she knew to reassure me that babies do indeed just cry sometimes and need soothing (nothing has to be wrong)

I see why you want the baby to yourself but your mother sounds helpful and I would throw her a bone and let her have some cuddles. Surely you also need a break to use loo/shower etc?

I don’t mind her leaving. I don’t expect her to stay more than she wants to. It was her decision to come for longer. I think we would be able to manage if she had to leave. I just don’t want her to leave because she is upset with us and have a bit of sourness in the relationship. I am uncomfortable with the tension at home more than anything.

Also, to be clear I am grateful. But I appreciate that it’s important that she feels I am thankful as well. I will try to convey this better to her.

Also no such thing as hogging the baby.

My baby is 8mo, is exclusively breastfed and never had a bottle.

One thing that’s advised if you are wanting to breastfed is to spend as much time as possible with the baby.

Honestly wave goodbye to your mum. Doesn’t like anyone is benefiting from her being there.

I think maybe that’s my main problem. I don’t feel reassured around her. And rather feel like I am doing a bad job and I need to do things differently to get an approval from her. For example - Everytime the baby cries, she panics and starts telling me I am not holding him right or not getting the formula fast enough.

I think get dh to buy a treat meal to say thank you for coming and let her go home. What about inviting her back in a few weeks so it ends nicely? It’s ok. You don’t need to fall out just change the set up.

You really do. Jaundice can kill, babies have to have blood transfusions if it is serious enough and not treated

So, was she just meant to come around and play the house elf and resign herself to the background until you took a shower?

So you don’t want her to be upset and off with you but are you willing to do something about it? A little compromise is all it would take. And that is totally on you.

I had to sit my mother and husband down day 2 and be quite blunt about them telling me endlessly to feed the baby when my milk hadn’t come in. They both apologised! Think how you want it to be @sonta8 and just ask politely for a change or manoeuvre one. Try to let everyone be happy but not at your expense.

Could you perhaps have a chat with your mum so you get on the same page with what kind of support you need? Her idea is different to yours and to clear that just talk.
My mum was there for 2 months and my both parents for 2 weeks so I know it can be challenging but looking back at that time now 2 years later I have fond memories and I am so grateful for her having being there to help and support.

Yes.

And that is how EVERYONE should behave with very new mothers.

Fucking hell, well, you just can't get the staff these days, can you?

I think that this is one of those situations where you are both reasonable and it’s probably a good idea that she leaves early for the sake of your relationship with her.

I understand why you want to hog the baby but I understand why your mum hoped that being at your house meant that she’d get more than a few minutes a day with baby when you were in the shower too. I understand why you’re annoyed about her commentary of what you’ve done wrong but she’s your mum so probably feels that it’s ok to tell you that. You know your mum - is she the type to keep her opinions to herself ?

You’re very lucky to have had 3 weeks of support like meals. I understand that you could have done without the criticism but living with your mum for that long was inevitably going to end up with some tension imo- especially if she’s the type who normally sulks or is vocal about not getting her own way.

Thank your mum for her help and let her change a nappy or something before she goes. As she’s staying with you, I assume that she’s not local so you’ll be free of her for a few weeks until you meet again. Hopefully by then you’ll be more comfortable with letting her cuddle and take care of baby more.

I have absolutely no problem helping a new mum out and it’s the norm in my circle, so yes if “staff” is what you call your average friend or family member, you can.

do you struggle to help people when they need it?

From your follow up posts it sounds as though the hovering, commenting and panicking is actually making things worse! I think it’s best for everyone if she leaves you to it for a bit, be sure to thank her and maybe even go for a nice meal, give her a gift (framed photo of baby and her) but send her on her way with a smile and get some cook meals in instead!

No, but I make people feel welcome if they offer it.

I think it sounds like she is not being overly helpful to be honest. Yes it's great that she is doing the washing and cooking etc, and a lot of people don't have that help. But it's not OK to give practical help but at the same time criticise you every time your baby cries or tells you that you should be doing things differently. Providing good practical help doesn't mean she isn't also a bit toxic and that she has the right to criticise and undermine you.

I can't imagine giving help to my daughter as a new mum but making it conditional on being able to do the fun bits that I wanted and also making it conditional on her accepting everything I said as gospel. I think it's time to say thanks for everything she has done but that you've got this, as don't think she will see it from your point of view (you think interfering, she will think she is giving advice) and it's not worth falling out over

I agree. She sounds like a pain in the arse really. She shouldn't be hovering and suffocating you all.

MessyHouseHappyHouse · Today 09:21
Heirian · Today 06:31

Yes because she's supposed to be there to help. It's not supposed to be about her. If she doesn't want to help she should leave and come back when guests are more appropriate and the Op wants them.

Supposed to be there to help???
What entitled bollocks is this?
She’s not your fucking maid so stop treating her like one”

Personally, I’ve never understood the need some able bodied people have for additional help -usually from a grandmother who’s already done her fair share over the years - with their newborn. Our first was in special care for several days with jaundice too. My husband took a month out and we managed perfectly happily together.

You clearly both had very different expectations. Time to thank her for all of her help and see her off with a smile.

So basically you want a loving grandparent to skivvy for you. But not do much actually with & for her beloved new grandchild.
Clearly you both have very different points of view.
I think you're behaving selfishly although it absolutely won't feel like that to you, I know.
But you are not employing a skivvy with a strict job description.
Grandmother has left her home to support you snd share caring for her grandchild. She gets to hold grandchild when you have a shower. Whoopee!

For all your sakes please try to compromise kindly!

You went to A&E "multiple times" in one week with a 3 week old baby for jaundice and diarrhea?!

Okay, if your mum is hovering and criticising every time you change a nappy, then yes, I can see that is annoying and unnecessary. I really don't get the preciousness over feeding - at this age they're almost constantly feeding, even if bottle feeding, so really, letting her have the odd feed doesn't seem like such a big deal but whatever.

I think you need to thank her for her help - and mean it (if she's been cookign and cleaning you probalby don't fully appreciate how much that's helped you) and suggest a shorter visit in a few weeks.