AIBU with my mum on what kind of support I need with early parenting?

[sonta8]

I just gave birth to a baby boy. He is 3 weeks old now. I have had first tough week with him with multiple A&E trips.

My mum has traveled to stay with us to support us with child birth. Last couple of days I have had a lot of drama with her where she is annoyed that I don’t let her do a lot of baby stuff like changing and feeding with bottle. Tbh I have been hogging the baby - I want to feed him and change him. I feel this need to make sure I do everything for him. And we want things to be a certain way. And my mum has been pushing us to do this and that and telling us on everything we have been doing wrong. I think she is also annoyed that I didn’t take her to birthing room. I think she feels less valued. I might have also snapped few times because on the constant commentary on how we should do things. Maybe I am not letting them do enough things for their grand son. But she does pick him up and play with him and keep him company when I need to shower etc.

Now she wants to leave early because I think she is upset with us. She is managing most of the cooking etc. And I am grateful that she came to support us but I feel it should not be about her but about supporting us. AIBU?

You're not being unreasonable, but then neither is your mum. She has been there at least 3 weeks doing all the crappy stuff to help, cooking all meals etc, but getting none of the fun parts of being around the baby. You are absolutely justified in deciding what you will allow her to do for the baby, but she is equally justified in deciding that she doesn't want to do that anymore and to go home early.

This is a tricky one OP as I imagine this is down to perceptions- your account, your mums and then reality are all likely to be different!
The first few weeks are survival mode! And it's great to have another pair of hands to help. It's lovely that you have a mum who is so willing to help. However, I can also understand that her stopping for 3 weeks could seem a lot when you are bonding with baby and establishing your routines etc.
Does your mum go out? Because if she is there constantly that could be overwhelming. Could she use the time to also visit some local places? You do need time just you and baby.
I wonder if some sort of schedule would help such as saying your mum has baby at a certain time every day and you use that time for you.
Also you are probably tired so maybe more sensitive etc. Your mum will definitely have some useful advice but you are the mum so ultimately your choice how to do things.
But also there is no reason not to let mum feed and change baby, you are no less of mum to not do it every time.

Yup - I think this sort of parental support is double edged. I didn’t have it and I’m not sorry about that.

I think you can honestly and gratefully thank your mum for all the help she has given you but accept it’s time for you to get on with it without her.

If you are breastfeeding please do not feel obliged to let anyone else give a bottle at this stage. Your supply is still being established.

Is there a partner on the scene?

If you get support from your family it often does come with expectations.

Really you have two options, either let her leave or let her spend more time with the baby.

If she has been cooking for you for three weeks then she has offered support.

Unfortunately in life very few things come free without strings attached.

Be honest and say that whilst you are grateful for all she is doing to help you have got some set ways of how you'd like to do some things and you'd appreciate her just going along with it without the commentary. She'll either understand and adapt or not and leave but either way it needs to be said now before patterns of behaviour become established.

Where is the baby's father in all of this?

Well she’s helped for 3 weeks now so has done a lot. I can understand that she’s like to help more with her grandchild but also that you want to do everything for them too. Maybe it’s time for her to leave and come back another time when you’re more settled? Would you prefer she go to give you some space?

Seeing as the OP has said ‘we’ and ‘us’ multiple times, I’d take an educated guess and say that he’s also there. That doesn’t mean that OP could do without the extra help from her mum.

It seems best that your mum leaves earlier than planned. It’s a bit rubbish to do the chores like cooking but not able to physically help with the baby. Then again, she also shouldn’t be criticising you and should let you parent as you see fit. I left my mum’s house for a similar reason

It's tough (on all parties) to find a balance between your right to have things done how you want in your own home with your own child and showing grattitude that someone who has dropped their life to come stay and provide free labor to you for weeks. Add in the anxieties and exhaustion of being post-partum with a poorly baby...

It sounds like it may be time for your mother to go home. Three weeks is a long stretch to have someone staying. It's ok to thank her profusely for all she's done, tell her you'll plan another visit soon, and send her on her way so you and DP can get started settling into a routine as a new family of three.

I would also gently suggest that you consider that your mother might be spotting signs that you're putting unhealthy pressure on yourself to handle all baby care and/or that your anxiety level around the baby is at a worrisome level. Please do talk to your health care team and DP if that rings true.

Why have you had multiple trips to A&E with a three week old baby?

Seeing as the OP has said ‘we’ and ‘us’ multiple times, I’d take an educated guess and say that he’s also there. That doesn’t mean that OP could do without the extra help from her mum

Fair enough. It was the mum doing most of the cooking that caught my eye.

Time for mum to go I think.

I completely get why you want to do things your way and why you want to spend as much time as possible holding your newborn. All completely understandable.

However I also get why your mum feels like she's spent three weeks doing the drudgery (cooking and cleaning), barely getting to do any of the more enjoyable bits with her new grandchild, and you rejecting her advice. It's also completely understandable that she now wants to go home.

I think you need to decide how much you want your mum there for physical and emotional support. It it worth sacricing some time with the baby for? If it is, then you need to let her do more of the jobs that bring her joy (ie with the baby). If it's not, then you need to let her go home.

Do you usually have a good relationship with your mum? If so, I'd accept as much help as you can from her, and also maybe have a think about why she might be making certain suggestions. She may be worried about you getting exhausted or PND.

If you’ve had “multiple” A&e trips already then either there are some serious health problems or you need some more support and education on how to manage with a small baby.

That many trips isn’t normal - most babies never go to a&e - and at any rate, depending on your trust and their policy, the GP may be in touch with you and/or Health visitor to check how you’re getting on. Multiple A&e visits in a short period of time trigger all sorts of reports and (usually) should result in some follow up.

it sounds like it’s time for her to go if it’s causing tension, but it’s also possible that it’s more important for you to have the support if you’re not managing.

Let the father and granny change and feed baby. You sound utterly exhausted and aren't seeing the woods for the trees. You're not failing by letting others do these things.
You need a rest and a break. Give baby to granny, go upstairs l, have a lovely relaxing hot shower and go to bed and try and nap.

Trust them to bring baby if needs you xxx

I think it comes down to a difference in expectations. You are right to set boundaries with your baby. (Nobody else has ever fed or changed the nappy of my 3 month old - I understand why you might not be comfortable with this). It is nice that your mum cares and has been willing to do the boring jobs to help you out. I can understand why she might have had enough. Remember everything looks different when you are tired and stressed. Imo it's time for mum to go. It may be overwhelming but you will manage. You don't have to keep the house spotless, maybe write a list for your partner so he knows what practical things he can do to help whilst you are with the baby. Take things one day at a time. You'll probably find that your relationship with your mum will get even better if she gets to see her grandchild without having to do chores. Heck, I am sure she would still pop over now and again to clean the kitchen if things have gone down hill. Good luck, you've got this x

She is her own person too and not just a robot there for your convenience to picked up and dropped off as you see fit, if she is there to help let her help and stop dictating what is acceptable or not

You will be alone with your baby soon and you will have plenty of time to do it all aone then

She probably envisaged herself cuddling the babu and changing it whole you looked on smiling adoringly at them both. The reality seems that she's been putting out the bins and cleaning up the house without any reward of actual time with the baby. She isn't wrong but neither are you post partum things are so hard, with your recovery a new responsibility and hormones. Could you tell her you can manage now or concede yo let her do a bit of direct baby care?

I think it’s time for your mum to go if you’re getting snappy with each other - that’s not helping anyone.

However, this - Tbh I have been hogging the baby - I want to feed him and change him. I feel this need to make sure I do everything for him. And we want things to be a certain way.
Dont go down that road. I was a bit like that with my first (less extreme thought) and I regret it. You will get yourself into a state over things that really don’t matter.

New DGM here 🙋 1st dgc born 4 weeks ago.
From your Dm's pov it's a very difficult position to be in with a very fine line to walk.
Your DM will be so excited to be part of your new family, she obviously loves you very much to give up three weeks to support you and you must have a close relationship to allow DM to spend the first three weeks together.
My DD lives locally, I've been very conscious of not stepping over her boundaries but it's very difficult.
I have a lot of (probably unwanted) advice I could give, I practically have to bite my tongue to stop myself from irritating her.
I don't see dgc every day, I let DD lead on that.
DD doesn't want or need any help and her DH has extended leave from work but all I want to do is to help and have cuddles.
I keep telling myself it's not my baby.
If I were staying with DD like your DM I'd probably be acting the same.
Time for your DM to go home, I think.
"DM I love you and can't thank you enough for all your help, if you want to go home, don't worry about us but know that we really appreciate everything you've done"
As a new parent you need some space to bond and just get used to being a family, sounds to me like your doing a grand job.
Good luck ❤️

Yes because she's supposed to be there to help. It's not supposed to be about her. If she doesn't want to help she should leave and come back when guests are more appropriate and the Op wants them.

Wanting to spend time aand interact with your grandchild is hardly an 'attached string' for all the cooking, cleaning and being their for your daughter

Harsh

But also she’s the Grandma. It’s the most natural thing in the world for her to want to cuddle her new grandson. Babies are only newborns for a very short time. Like I said I was quite precious about my PFB but I just cannot imagine not having let all our visitors (including MIL who came to stay to help) give her loads and loads of cuddles because it’s just such a lovely thing to do!

Congrats on your baby op.

3 weeks is a long time to help with the cooking and so on. How long was she supposed to stay? Perhaps it’s time for her to go and you can establish your own routines.

natural I think to be a bit sensitive and emotional with the lack of sleep and hormones. If she’s actually interfering and pressuring you to take her advice then time to go I think. However she it’s a bit sad she’s not getting much time with the baby - I understand about feeding but surely she can cuddle him and so on.

Be grateful some of us got zero help from anyone.

Thank your mum for all her help. I dont know why she couldnt change the odd nappy though and you hogging the baby is odd. Yet she cooked, cleaned and minded him when it suited you.

Yes she has an opinion but you are not listening to her are you? You think you know what's best, but do you? You might learn a little if you listened.

Sorry YABU and selfish.