Big bust up over holiday, but who's unreasonable about DC?

[on103]

We are due to go on holiday in a couple of weeks. Me, H, our DC and H's older DC.

He is self employed and it's the root cause of 99% of our issues. I am aware how difficult it can be but he absolutely uses it as an excuse to get out of certain aspects of family life. He is a workaholic imo.

Something has "cropped up" and he is now making noises about not being able to make the holiday. I'm so furious. I don't even know why I'm surprised. We have had a big argument about it with him saying I don't appreciate how hard he works (as if I don't) and me feeling like he never makes time for us. It will be the first holiday we've had as a family in years.

He has "kindly" suggested that I go by myself with DC which I've said don't worry I will be. However he was shocked when I said he could break to DSC that there wasn't a holiday anymore.

He seems to think he can duck out but I'll just go off with all the kids and leave him free for a week. I have said absolutely not. I'm going with DC but I am not going to take DSC too and let him duck out of his responsibilities. He can stay if he wants but he'll have to be the one to let them down.

I'm half minded to just never come back as it is!

Who is being unreasonable? (Aside from DH being a twat in general)...

Me for saying I'm not taking all the kids alone

Or DH for expecting me to just fuck off for a week with all the kids so he can work.

No one said your family couldn’t be glad. Doesn’t mean that others families would be, or that your way of doing things is inherently aspirational and would lead to universal enjoyment. Wouldn’t be for me, any more than my way would be for you.

Why not? Because OP doesn’t want to. Simple as that.

if i were DSC's mum I'd be furious if my ex suggested the child goes on holidays with stepmum but without the dad.

Assuming you booked it months ago, plenty of time to plan workload.

I never insinuated or referenced anything about the OP's employment status. Please refrain from trying to force that interpretation.

It's common for single parents to go on holiday. This situation is not about the holiday itself; rather, it revolves around the OP's perception of the relationship. Once again, we're witnessing the emergence of negative stepmother on the thread.

Sorry, but if a stepmother does not want to take stepson on holiday- then what else are some of us going to think.

I grew up with a step brother- he was always involved, he always came with us, even though he was older. No way would have my mother excluded him, and we would have gone berserk if that had ever been suggested.

If you decide to have a partner or OH who has another family, your have to step up. Or don't bother.

I don't think anyone has mentioned this but I can't read all the replies.
The fundamental change here is that you need to go back to work OP. This model will never work. Yes, he has the power and he is abusing it.
No matter how inconvenient it is go back to the workplace, no matter how many kids you have between the two of you. If you want options, really ones, you need to make your own money.
You can't win this battle otherwise. It won't change anything how many posters in MS are on your side.

What sort of a holiday? All inclusive 5 star with a great kids club doing terrific activities and things laid on in the evening, plus a good car hire ? Or a self catering apartment with no pool, no AC, and the beach on the other side of a dual carriageway , no car?

He's treating you like a nanny. It's not your job to take his children on holiday because he'd rather stay at home and work.

I'd be telling him to make sure he's out of the house by the time you get back, you'll be keeping the family home with your children and he can focus on his work because clearly his family is not a priority to him.

You are not being unreasonable at all. Stick to your guns

Flexibility is one of the benefits of self-employment. It hasn't "cropped up" - he has not expressed to client that he is unfortunately unavailable at that time and it will need to await his return. He needs to set some boundaries and act like he is his own boss. You only get a few years of holidays when the kids are little and that he is considering choosing to nope out of them seems like a real shame. He may need a bit of a reality check about the frequency of these opportunities.

Plus, it would be a shame for all his hard work to go to waste with tickets having to be cancelled or go unused. Reflect with him about what's the point of him putting in all those hours if he doesn't use the money to have a better life and good quality time with his family?

I feel sorry for DSC caught in the middle of this and think your decision about them has to depend on your pre-existing relationship and also their behaviour/needs/respect for you and whether you can manage them on your own with all the other kids. However, I do agree with other posters re the issues surrounding you taking them without having PR (and, more simply, presumably part of the point of them coming was not just so they didn't feel left out, but so that they could have extended contact with their Dad). I can also understand that going on holiday with all of the children on your own is probably not going to feel very relaxing for you.

Why does it matter what anyone else thinks? You’re free to be as disapproving of it as you like, I doubt it’s going to ruin her day 🤷🏻‍♀️

She doesn’t want to assume responsibility for his children. She doesn’t have to assume responsibility for his children. That you think she should doesn’t oblige her to in the slightest.

I hope your mother actually wanted to do what she did and wasn’t bullied into it. Either way though, whether she genuinely believes her way was the right way or if it’s a case of misery loves company, her way isn’t going to work for everyone.

I find it VERY hard to believe that anything he does is so important it has to be done right then, and he can't say "sorry, I can't do it that week as I'll be away, but I can do it the week after."

Those are standard phrases you have to be ready to wheel out when you're self employed. Of course sometimes it means missing out on paid jobs from time to time, that's the nature of being self employed as opposed to salaried, but if you didn't then you'd never have a break, and that's neither healthy, nor fair on his family.

He's not the bloody prime minister of a country in crisis. What can he possibly be doing that can't wait?

So he's either crap at time management, and needs to get better, or he is just brazenly trying to get some free "me time" while you take all of his kids off his hands.

You go with your DC and do some hard thinking while you're away. He could (if he wanted to) just get a later flight in which case his DC won't miss out on rather whole holiday...but that's up to him/them. The something that has "come up" surely shouldn't be taking up the whole holiday? What you need to figure out is whether he's likely to do it again and how your relationship is most of the time, do you ever feel supported ?

I would be mighty pissed off with my DH if he did this but I would not take it out on the step child. If the holiday has been promised and I am taking one child I would take the other one too. It is hardly the child’s fault that the father is an idiot. Ofcourse as long as the bio mum is ok with me taking the child abroad on my own. No child asked to be in this position and adults should sort out their issues without dragging kids into it.

I would always support a hard grafter earning parent needing to work because ultimately kids remember there being no food on the table more than a single holiday but since you haven't had a holiday in years he is probably being unreasonable and should be making an effort. If he can't afford a week off, he is probably not very good at his job tbh

He's treating you like a live in nanny.

He is being completely unreasonable by pulling out of the holiday.

However, unless the number and age of children (plus any special needs) would make it unmanageable for you to cope alone I think you are also being unreasonable.

Your stepchildren will have been looking forward to this holiday, presumably for some time. At very short notice, you will be pulling the rug from under their feet and not allowing them to go.

Yes, of course it is your husband that is doing the initial rug-pulling. But his decision still allows his children to have a holiday. Yours doesn't.

Men who use self-employment as an excuse to avoid family responsibilities like this drive me INSANE!
I am self-employed, but because I'm a competent professional I balance my work and family responsibilities. Most women I know who are self-employed use the flexibility and autonomy to give MORE time to their children, not less. We work late so we can go to the school prize giving or whatever, and we plan holidays and cashflow and client commitments to allow them, as well as summer holiday childcare meticulously.
I cannot express how much I HATE men who say they can't do x or y for their families 'because I'm self-employed and if I don't work I don't get paid'.

Everyone frothing & no OP...........
There have been a few threads recently with only one post by OP.

Right ok, but more importantly, what should we think of the father of all of these children who thinks he can just opt out? Doesn’t he have more responsibility here than she does! Why don’t you hold fathers to the same standards as step mothers? Do fathers have to step up when they decide to have children at all?

@on103

YANBU.

Your H (not so D) needs to be taught a lesson. And unfortunately that will involve H having to step up and tell DSC and DSC being disappointed they're not going on the holiday. Just be sure he puts the blame where it belongs, on him. He needs to say "You can't go because I am working" NOT "on103 doesn't want you to come". If his own DC meant that much to him, he'd find a way. If he doesn't, that's a reflection on him, not on you.

It sounds like he has form for this, and probably not just for holidays. I expect he 'has to work' a lot of the time that it's his time for DSC and so you get the lot. I think it's kind of a boiled frog situation for the SM. They start with an occasional "I have to work today" and then it becomes more and more frequent until before she knows it, she has the whole brood on her own for the entire access time.

I get that SE can be a pain and take much more time than a 9-5 job, but it can still be managed. My BiL ran TWO car dealerships and is a workaholic. But he still managed to schedule time for his family. It's all about priorities and actually wanting to be an involved parent.

What’s being self employed got to do with it? Is he using that as an excuse? My partner is self employed doenst stop him going on holidays . The point in being self employed is you can make your own decisions and work when you want. You need to ask why de doesn’t want to spend time with his family.

Good for you saying you won't take the DSCs!

He was envisioning a lovely chill week home alone. Fuck that for a month of Sundays.
First of all, you are not a legal guardian (presumably) to these step kids, so you'd struggle to take them out of the country anyway. And if they're older than 18, well, they're too old to go away with step-mummy anyway. And if one had a serious accident while away, you'd be fucked.

Whatever happens though, this holiday is pretty much ruined...? Time to throw the man in the bin?

How old are the DC?