Big bust up over holiday, but who's unreasonable about DC?

[on103]

We are due to go on holiday in a couple of weeks. Me, H, our DC and H's older DC.

He is self employed and it's the root cause of 99% of our issues. I am aware how difficult it can be but he absolutely uses it as an excuse to get out of certain aspects of family life. He is a workaholic imo.

Something has "cropped up" and he is now making noises about not being able to make the holiday. I'm so furious. I don't even know why I'm surprised. We have had a big argument about it with him saying I don't appreciate how hard he works (as if I don't) and me feeling like he never makes time for us. It will be the first holiday we've had as a family in years.

He has "kindly" suggested that I go by myself with DC which I've said don't worry I will be. However he was shocked when I said he could break to DSC that there wasn't a holiday anymore.

He seems to think he can duck out but I'll just go off with all the kids and leave him free for a week. I have said absolutely not. I'm going with DC but I am not going to take DSC too and let him duck out of his responsibilities. He can stay if he wants but he'll have to be the one to let them down.

I'm half minded to just never come back as it is!

Who is being unreasonable? (Aside from DH being a twat in general)...

Me for saying I'm not taking all the kids alone

Or DH for expecting me to just fuck off for a week with all the kids so he can work.

How many children are. you taking out at the same time?

Well it certainly is NOT going to work for stepson- who is NOT responsible for this situation at all- yet again, step children are at the bottom of the pile. OP has chosen to live and have a child with someone who already had a child. She KNEW that, and had a choice.

Stepchild never is given a choice, is my point. I am so glad my own mother understood this, and acted accordingly.

ALL the children = 2 ! wow

He wants a vacation from you and the kids. Stick to your guns, go with just your DC. When you get back talk to him about your marriage and what you expect from him. If you're not longer on the same page, maybe its time to move on.

Lol, she still has a choice.

Any disappointment felt is no more OP’s responsibility than taking the stepchildren on holiday is. If a parent isn’t available to take them, then they can’t go. Take it up with their father 🤷🏻‍♀️

So what did you mean by your pathetic ultimatum 'Either support him or take yourself out of the relationship and stand on your own two feet.'?

YANBU

Your ‘D’H is massively.

You’ve not mentioned how old DSC is, but even if they are at an age where they can be fairly self sufficient (ie not really much extra work and could actually be helpful with entertaining your younger DC), or whether you are going out of the UK, however the practicalities around travelling with a child that you do not have parental responsibility for can be complex if DSC were to end up needing medical treatment for example. Plus DSCs mum would also need to consent to them travelling with you if you are leaving the UK.

The fact that he had assumed you would be taking DSC with you makes me wonder if he had been planning this for a while, and working on the assumption that if he told you at the last minute you’d have no choice but to go alone, giving him a nice child free week, otherwise it would no doubt all be ‘your’ fault that all the children miss out on a holiday.

Regardless of what you decide to do about the holiday, I think the bigger question is what are you going to do when you return?? Based on your Hs level of audacity, and the fact that you suggest he has form for this, I bet this is exactly the same as he was with DSCs mum when they we together, and probably why they split up.

Do we know OP is going abroad?

There was nothing pathetic about my post. You just don't like it.
DP is working, the op doesn't like it (Long running issue) so she's decided to dig at him where she thinks it'll hurt. His children and her step child.

OP has chosen to live and have a child with someone who already had a child. She KNEW that, and had a choice.

But was he this way when they were dating? Did she see him then ducking out of his parental duties, cancelling access, letting the child's mum do all the heavy lifting? Or did he, as most of them do, present himself as Dad of the Year, fully involved, taking all access time he could, & being hands on? Was he Dad of the Year until they were married and then start shifting to load to her?

Yes, she had a choice. But was she given truthful information upon which to base her choice or was she sold a bill of goods? And if she was sold a bill of goods then she's entitled to push back and push back hard to make him step up and be a real dad. If that doesn't work then she's entitled to leave. But what shouldn't happen is for her to have to 'suck it up, buttercup' simply because the man she married has children.

I made the decision long ago never to date a man with children. I'm so glad I stuck to my guns.

My theory is that sometimes while a thread is running on here, the 'debate' is also taking place at home. The OP and her H probably hashed this one out yesterday, seeing as it is a current issue.
The episode may well have concluded.

With the nature of the replies on this one, she's not going to want to come back and admit he bullied/talked/persuaded/tantrumed/whatever and got his way.

Obviously I have no idea whether that has happened or not...but I do think it accounts for some non-returners.

I wanted to see how this one went too.

All well and good if your step-brother's Dad, who was also your Dad, went along on holiday as well. Did he? Because you're missing the point that it's not the case here - the OP's partner is refusing to parent any of his children and you think that she should not only behave like a single mother to her own children, which was not her plan for the holiday, but also take responsibility for her step-child/ren? Why should she, if their own father refuses to?

DH always used to worry about taking time out for holidays - it was a big financial hit to lose his earnings for a week/fortnight as well as pay out for a holiday. Sometimes I'd go without him, often we'd fit in travel around where he was working.

I would be mighty pissed off with my DH if he did this but I would not take it out on the step child

It’s not taking it out on anyone. They were going on a family holiday. The DH - and father of all the children - is no longer going. So there isn’t a family holiday any more. And that’s the DH’s fault, not that of the OP.

The DH has caused this situation, not the OP

but as said above, and yet again- the step child certainly has not.

@WimpoleHat Pretty harsh to not see your stepkids and half siblings to your children as 'not family'. That would be a fairly cold take. Using the kids to make a point to the DH really isn't the best healthier path forward. My step kids would be gutted if I did that to them. They are the siblings of my children. I want them to feel like a sibling set and I would continue a relationship even if DH and I separated. If the OP really doesn't feel anything for these kids then that's fairly sad for all the kids.

No one said they did.

It’s irrelevant. The stepchild being blameless doesn’t oblige OP.

No we often went without dad, or only part of the time. Not missing the point at all.

We still have no idea why dad is unable to go. He may well have imperative reasons, partly because of his financial commitment to his family and his children or because his business is at risk, or on the cusp of taking off big time, which will benefit all.

I'd tell him it's amazing he's offered to stay home and work, I'd be off on the holiday on my own leaving all the kids with him. How considerate of him to give you a lovely solo break

And DH needs to take responsibility for that himself instead of piling it on to the OP. He is no longer going on the holiday. It is no longer a family holiday, but he expects OP to take responsibility for all of the children. If it’s a holiday abroad there is no way I would take responsibility for anything other than my own biological children because if anything happens they will be queuing up to blame the OP.

Did your step-brother live with you full time, then? In any case, it sounds as if either your mother was a lovely woman who fully supported your father, who sounds as if he took his parental responsibilities a lot more seriously than the father in this case, so that you had a properly "blended" family. It is clear that the OP's partner is nothing like a good father and he regularly uses his work commitments to get out of the responsibilities of family life and expects the OP to always take up the slack for him for all his children, not just their joint ones, which is not fair to the OP or the child/ren of an earlier relationship.

I have not read all the response, however, if I was the mum in the situation, I would not let the step-mom take my children on holiday with their dad. I expect my children father to be fully parenting when he has his children. I wouldn't feel comfortable travelling with step-children without the other parent present.

Does that mean because he gets a new wife he shouldn’t look after his own kids . The OP dsc or even

his own dc.

just wow !

Lol this million times! ⭐️
Why should OP solo parent all children?
Dad obviously got enough capacity to do that since he decided to father children to multiple women.

Amount of daft cows thinking OP should act as free nanny is too damn high.