Big bust up over holiday, but who's unreasonable about DC?

[on103]

We are due to go on holiday in a couple of weeks. Me, H, our DC and H's older DC.

He is self employed and it's the root cause of 99% of our issues. I am aware how difficult it can be but he absolutely uses it as an excuse to get out of certain aspects of family life. He is a workaholic imo.

Something has "cropped up" and he is now making noises about not being able to make the holiday. I'm so furious. I don't even know why I'm surprised. We have had a big argument about it with him saying I don't appreciate how hard he works (as if I don't) and me feeling like he never makes time for us. It will be the first holiday we've had as a family in years.

He has "kindly" suggested that I go by myself with DC which I've said don't worry I will be. However he was shocked when I said he could break to DSC that there wasn't a holiday anymore.

He seems to think he can duck out but I'll just go off with all the kids and leave him free for a week. I have said absolutely not. I'm going with DC but I am not going to take DSC too and let him duck out of his responsibilities. He can stay if he wants but he'll have to be the one to let them down.

I'm half minded to just never come back as it is!

Who is being unreasonable? (Aside from DH being a twat in general)...

Me for saying I'm not taking all the kids alone

Or DH for expecting me to just fuck off for a week with all the kids so he can work.

I have two stepsons (none of my own). They're grown up now, but no way would l have taken them away on my own, as well as we got on together.
I wouldn't have wanted the responsibility of someone else's children (fine for a day or an afternoon) for an entire holiday. And l suspect their mum would have had something to say about it, too. I get on fine with her, always have, but at the end of the day, he's their dad. It's his responsibility, not yours.

He is absolutely being unreasonable. HOW unreasonable would depend on various variables you haven't explained such as what job he does and how important this supposed last minute work is (financially, long term etc), how old the DC are, where you are going, what relationship you have with the SDC's mum etc etc.

But overall, there is no excuse for this. Unless you are on th ebones of your ass and you desperately need any and all work (in which case, why were you planning a holiday anyway so I'm assuming that is NOT the case) there's really no excuse to say, when last minute work comes in, "I'm sorry, I'm away that week". Especially as there's plenty of notice.

It does rather sound though like his work will be more him having some lovely lie ins and nights down the pub though.

With you and the kids gone and him working at home completely on his own, perfect cover for an affair. Especially by bringing it up last minute to make sure you couldn’t cancel…

Depending on how old DSC is, they will need signed consent forms to travel without a parent. And as people have pointed out earlier - if something were to happen - you wouldn’t have parental responsibility for them which could be really difficult. And if one child is ill and needs to stay in the room - that too will be difficult.

I do know about mobile phones.

Your parents or their father’s parents are family.
My parents are listed as next of kin for my DD. My DH is not, because he is not her father. He would not be allowed to pick her up from school or take her to any kind of appointment.
If he took her on holiday without me (purely hypothetical) and something happened he’d not be entitled to any info.
Stress is just the first letter in such a scenario.

I’m not listed as next if kin to my DSC because I’m not related to them. Same applies if I took them away.

I’ve had problems at borders with my own DC because we did not share the same surname. I’d not risk that with a child not related to me.

See also issue if the Mum is happy for kids to go away without their parent.

He sounds like he doesn't give a toss about his family. I'd debate leaving him full stop tbh

@turbonerd Except none of that is true! I've taken my DSC on foreign holidays (just took birth certificates and a letter not that anyone asked), taken them to doctors appointments, collected them from school all without PR. One DSC needed to see the doctor on holiday and I took them. Absolutely no one cares if you're mum or stepmum if the child is happy with you.

Oh yes, take another female along to pick up for a man’s shit parenting!

Who the hell wants to pay money to go along on someone else’s holiday and play nanny for a guy who can’t even be arsed to spend time with his own children? And why no suggestion to take a male relative?

I'll hazard a guess that when you write about the OP addressing the issue with her DH it doesn't involve her holding him accountable for his decisions. I'll hazard another guess that by addressing the issue, you mean that she takes his children on holiday. I may be way off here but that's how it reads. I mean, that wouldn't be addressing the issue at all would it? That would be ignoring the issues with her DH.
Stepmothers should not make up for their OH's lack of parenting. This is her DH's issue to address. Him and his children are the ones losing out. He can easily fix this issue by going on the family holiday that they booked.
He doesn't get to make decisions on the behalf of the OP. My OH certainly wouldn't with our kids because he respects my time as much as his own.
Why is it different when a stepmother is involved?

I know right! If one of my friends rang me to ask me to do this then l would be saying no way. Plus questioning her lack of self respect and why she thinks l have nothing better to do / no self respect

*Dibbydoos · Today 06:24
YANBU
I'm self employed. I recently went on a transatlantic cruise. I worked a few hours most days because I'd just landed a new contract. If I can work on a cruise ship, he can work on holiday too

Why are you assuming everyone that's self employed can work from home/on holiday? I certainly couldn't.
You would think that being self employed would make it easier for him to take time off when he wants. He probably had no intention of going at all. He could make it work and still come if he really wanted to!

Why not a male relative, wouldn't bother me. But as they have probably got a room booked with a double bed, it just might be easier with a girlfriend, sister, mother. But fine. As there would be nothing to pay really, as it is all booked and paid for by now.

Just an idea.

I know my DH had to not come on a holiday a few times due to REAL pressure at work and changes in schedule last minute due to a colleague being seriously sick or injured, or other emergency. It happens, not by choice or lack of care.

And I went, with my sister once, with a friend another, and my mother the 3rd time, and we had a lovely time. And I didn't bear a grudge, because it just could not be helped. No step child- but as said, my mother always took stepson, our half brother, a bit older and very much part of the family.

It could go the other way too, mum not able to go last minute due to emergency, pressure of work, big contract, whatever.

Some of you younger mums sound so so angry all the time. And I am no pushover or doormat either. Give and take is sometimes necessary- both ways, I agree.

I am glad that is your experience.
I’m just cautious because I’ve had other experiences and thought they were stressful.

Another Prince amongst Men

@fungipie how do you know how old she is? Saying “you younger mums sound so angry all the time is a sweeping generalisation”. Maybe some women are sick of people taking advantage and other people condoning it. Just a thought. Opting out of the family holiday and dumping step child on your wife is a big piss take

PS l am an not a younger mum for clarity and wouldn’t be taking this lying down

YANBU at all. If he has form for this I think I would leave as clearly he doesn’t prioritise you and the DC. You don’t just drop out of a holiday.

YANBU to not take DSC although if they get on well with your child id probably take them. He has been completely unfair towards you all.

You finding it acceptable doesn’t mean that anyone else has to. Why is obliging resignation preferable to being angry? While that may be an attractive proposition for you, others are going to find that to be utterly miserable.

It’s not up to OP to accommodate him any more than she already has done. He made the mistake of thinking that she would automatically assume responsibility for his children, rather than actually asking her. Now he’s going to have to be a parent as well as a businessman. Tough shit really if it doesn’t suit him.

why are you assuming he has a choice in this matter. And what the consequences might be if he does go for his business. And NO, not all business can be carried out via internet from abroad.

AGain and again, we hear here on MN, without having any detail info about the complex circumstances 'just get rid of the barstewart'? I have myself, as a Senior manager, had to let my OH down on committments because of a real emergency or special circumstances. We are and have always been equal- and have given each other space and support in such circumstances. We just do not have sufficient info to know if he is being selfish here, or has very good and justified reasons.

One thing we DO know, 100%, is that stepson is NOT responsible, and punishng him is way out of order and cruel.

The stepchildren aren’t being punished. It is what it is - the father has no choice but to work, and so his older children can’t go on holiday as there isn’t a parent available to take them.

It’s not OP’s job to step in and do his parenting for him.

Is this another dumpandrun? One post with antagonisingly brief details so that the context can't be fully appreciated and a pileup of posters arguing with the little information they have....these are getting really boring now. If OP genuinely wants help she needs to come back and explain as much as she can what her DH does and why he thinks he needs to cancel a long planned holiday. She also needs to clarify how old her dc and sc are and what her role with the sc is.

@on103

Yes your so called DH is absolutely unreasonable and a complete twat.

How many kids in total and how old are they?

As is often the case - first response nails it.

"He is self employed and it's the root cause of 99% of our issues. I am aware how difficult it can be but he absolutely uses it as an excuse to get out of certain aspects of family life. He is a workaholic imo."

It's not just this holiday, it's OP's entire life.

If DH is a workaholic, it's the same as every -aholic, he's not going to spontaneously change. Would I want the rest of my married life to be like this? No, I would not - so I'd be planning my exit.

If he's not an actual workaholic, just a shite of a man who wants the status of fatherhood but not the responsibilities and gruntwork that goes with it - it wouldn't matter to me if he could or couldn't change, I'd have no respect for him whatsoever and I don't think a marriage can survive without respect. So again, I'd be planning my exit.

"However he was shocked when I said he could break to DSC that there wasn't a holiday anymore."
It's possible this has given him a kick up the arse (he certainly needs one) but he'd have to have a genuine epiphany and work to change himself if this marriage is to survive. Hope for the best but plan for the worse, @on103. Hope he changes his attitudes, but get your ducks in a row for if he doesn't.

He can take DSC on holiday by himself when he's sorted whatever important work issues have cropped up, can't he. 😏

Well in my family I am so glad this is how it worked- and both ways. Our half brother was always involved, and our mother made sure he was treated equally as us, her two children.

Of course they can all go on holiday, with a friend or relative, and have great fun, rest and more. Why not.

We don't know anything about circustances as Princessconsuely says. As so often on MN- just depends. And we don't know.