Big bust up over holiday, but who's unreasonable about DC?

[on103]

We are due to go on holiday in a couple of weeks. Me, H, our DC and H's older DC.

He is self employed and it's the root cause of 99% of our issues. I am aware how difficult it can be but he absolutely uses it as an excuse to get out of certain aspects of family life. He is a workaholic imo.

Something has "cropped up" and he is now making noises about not being able to make the holiday. I'm so furious. I don't even know why I'm surprised. We have had a big argument about it with him saying I don't appreciate how hard he works (as if I don't) and me feeling like he never makes time for us. It will be the first holiday we've had as a family in years.

He has "kindly" suggested that I go by myself with DC which I've said don't worry I will be. However he was shocked when I said he could break to DSC that there wasn't a holiday anymore.

He seems to think he can duck out but I'll just go off with all the kids and leave him free for a week. I have said absolutely not. I'm going with DC but I am not going to take DSC too and let him duck out of his responsibilities. He can stay if he wants but he'll have to be the one to let them down.

I'm half minded to just never come back as it is!

Who is being unreasonable? (Aside from DH being a twat in general)...

Me for saying I'm not taking all the kids alone

Or DH for expecting me to just fuck off for a week with all the kids so he can work.

I don’t believe he is a workaholic, he probably claims to be working to get out of family stuff and parenting, probably just tits about on his laptop or whatever.

💯

If he had the holiday booked before this work thing cropped up - why didn't he speak with that client and say "I'm sorry but I'm on leave at that time, can we schedule something in for when I get back please?"

I'd take the kids and leave the step-kid(s) and when you get back, engage a great solicitor so that you can leave.

Is your DH aware that if you leave him he'll have childcare requirements that he will have to step up on?

It's him that needs to stand on his two feet and parent his child, not OP!

What a sexist post. Why have you assumed OP doesn’t stand on her two on feet? Why have you assumed she doesn’t work?

OP says ‘We have had a big argument about it with him saying I don't appreciate how hard he works (as if I don't)’

@on103 What ages are your kids and what ages(s) are your DSC? How many children are going on holiday in total? And how many of them are DSC? Are you going abroad? Would help to know before replying?

The husband is obviously a world class dickhead, but who else thinks he's probably having an affair? What better way to ensure the wife and kids are out of the way.

My DH is similar. Can he work remotely, so he can come on the holiday and do the mornings at his ‘desk’ while you have all the kids, then in the afternoon he does a shift as the default parent so you can enjoy your holiday a bit too?

I sympathise so much with both sides, it’s hard to keep all plates spinning as a business owner with a family. But as I have said to my DH, it has to be fair - if he decides he’s doing overtime, that means we’re both doing overtime, as I’m doing all his parenting for him. So it needs to be a joint decision.

I take it you have already requested your AL so can't change the date to when it suits him. And why should you. I am self employed and once a holiday is booked, it's booked. Something 'cropping up' is not good enough.

I have a feeling he will eventually agree to come and spend the whole holiday punishing everyone and making sure you’re all having a shit time.

"You either stick to our plans and come with us, and be cheerful and pleasant about it, or the marriage is over. You choose."

Stick to your guns, OP. Well done!

I’ve been on mn too long and thought that!

I would be insisting that he goes or you all stay at home.

Ask him to pretend that something out ofhis control happened at work that meant the job was delayed, or that he was sick with flu. Tell him it is unreasonable to not accompany you all.

Tell DH that he will be coming and to forget about backing out. Be pleasant and firm. Pack his things; happily give him continual reminders of the time and dates.

Help him to contruct a text to send to his clients excusing himself for a family holiday.

YANBU OP, If he's such a hard worker as he claims you'd think he'd welcome a holiday with his family.

Will rtft later,
but just echo others: I would not take my DSC alone on holiday and never ever if abroad. Not because I don’t like them, but because I don’t have Parental responsibility. If anything happened to them I’ be stuffed.
So YANBU

Yeah, he just wanted a week 'off'. I doubt he had any intention of going in the first place.

When on school trips parents have to sign forms and waivers so that the teachers can deal with emergencies.
Going abroad can come to an abrupt halt at the AirPort/ferry terminal if Mum decides it is not ok.

If my DC were sent on holiday with a stepmum and not their Dad I don’t think I’d be delighted (depending on a few things).
If I tried to take my SDC without their Dad, their Mum would NOT be pleased at all.

Hey, you know about these things called mobile phones?

Really handy for getting hold of parents.

My children go on holiday with their grandparents abroad, bollocks am I putting a stop to this just because they don't have parental responsibility. They can use a phone and doctor can make medical decisions, all this frothing about parental responsibility is unnecessary

But yes, OP should not have to do her DH's parenting

Why on earth should she pack his things?

Jesus mumsnet.

Tell him that as you are not prepared to take his DC and he is not prepared to take responsibility for that fact, you've done some investigating and it will cost £XXX to move the date and when would be better?

You have a profound DH problem that you haven't addressed and you're weaponising the kids. YABU. This isn't the way to address it.

Wow, I would not be married to someone who required this level of management, the OP’s DH is a fully grown adult capable of running his own business, you’d hope he could manage to remember the dates of a holiday he’d agreed to go on, pack some clothes and communicate with any clients.

No it doesn't but there would I suspect be more of a familial connection in such circumstances.

Of course you aren't being unreasonable. You can indeed take your children off on holiday without him if he is going to decide to work instead. You have absolutely zero responsibility to take the stepchildren too. They should generally be with either their dad or their mum. His responsibility to make other arrangements for them, not yours.