Big bust up over holiday, but who's unreasonable about DC?

[on103]

We are due to go on holiday in a couple of weeks. Me, H, our DC and H's older DC.

He is self employed and it's the root cause of 99% of our issues. I am aware how difficult it can be but he absolutely uses it as an excuse to get out of certain aspects of family life. He is a workaholic imo.

Something has "cropped up" and he is now making noises about not being able to make the holiday. I'm so furious. I don't even know why I'm surprised. We have had a big argument about it with him saying I don't appreciate how hard he works (as if I don't) and me feeling like he never makes time for us. It will be the first holiday we've had as a family in years.

He has "kindly" suggested that I go by myself with DC which I've said don't worry I will be. However he was shocked when I said he could break to DSC that there wasn't a holiday anymore.

He seems to think he can duck out but I'll just go off with all the kids and leave him free for a week. I have said absolutely not. I'm going with DC but I am not going to take DSC too and let him duck out of his responsibilities. He can stay if he wants but he'll have to be the one to let them down.

I'm half minded to just never come back as it is!

Who is being unreasonable? (Aside from DH being a twat in general)...

Me for saying I'm not taking all the kids alone

Or DH for expecting me to just fuck off for a week with all the kids so he can work.

Well she posted in AIBU and according to me, she is!

Well marrying a man with children and living with him, while he has parental responsibility means the children become part of her life. She shouldn’t treat them so poorly just because she can!

Since when did someone being part of your life make you responsible for them?*

*Rherorical question - it doesn’t.

The person treating them poorly is their father, and he IS the one responsible for them, no matter how much you want to palm the blame off onto someone who isn’t it.

And according to 94% of other sensible thinking people, she's not.

The father is to blame. No doubt there, the man is an idiot. But no reason for the step mum to stoop to his level. Doesn’t make her much better!

Shows there are more nasty people who would use children as a pawn in an adult disagreement than nice people. Sad but true!

Also the majority isn’t always right! 🤦🏽‍♀️😂🤣

She isn’t stooping to anything. Again, she’s not responsible for compensating for his failings no matter how much you want to bleat that she is.

There was never any intention for her to take his children on holiday with her whilst he remained at home, and nothing OP has said suggests she ever led him, or them, to believe she would. Him pulling out of the holiday means that there is no longer a parent available to take them, and therefore they can’t go. The only person responsible for that is their father.

She isn’t stooping to anything. Again, she’s not responsible for compensating for his failings no matter how much you want to bleat that she is.

There was never any intention for her to take his children on holiday with her whilst he remained at home, and nothing OP has said suggests she ever led him, or them, to believe she would. Him pulling out of the holiday means that there is no longer a parent available to take them, and therefore they can’t go. The only person responsible for that is their father.

Absolutely right, its not the OP who changed the goal posts here

Nope! It shows there's a lot of mothers who wouldn't expect their ex's partner/gf/wife to pick up his slack and allow him dodge out if his responsibility to his children.

I'd lay odds that her husband backs down when he realises the op is serious about taking his kids as well. When he sees that there will
Be actual consequences for him he may step up. The downside is that he may go on the holiday with a face like a slapped arse which could spoil the Holliday for everyone .

If that were to happen I sincerely hope the OP would suck up the last minute cost of name change and take her mother and return to her mothers house after her holiday as she divorces this loser.
He thinks of her as his skivvy aupair, no doubt his first wife was delighted to be rid of such a loser, despite being left with the care of two very young children.

Note to young women...when an ex partner of a bloke prefers to be alone with her children rather than continue a relationship with a mam, it truly is a sign he is as loser.

If a man leaves a woman to rear his very young children and quickly moves on to a new partner, it is another clear sign he is a complete loser.

These men never subsequently make good fathers, their DNA is pure loser.

@fungipie - you seem to find it easy to find possible excuses for the father in this situation - ‘he might have an important deadline’, ‘it might be business critical that he stays at work (though @on103 hasn't said this is the case, so it seems unlikely to me) - but all your ire is reserved for the OP. This looks deeply misogynistic to me. Man can do no wrong, woman can do no right.

They were all going on holiday together as per initial plan. It is not like Op would have nothing to do with the step children during planned holiday. Now he has pulled out and in OP’s own words making frivolous excuses for not going. So one assumes he doesn’t want to holiday with her. I would think she should cancel said holiday if going with all the children is not what she wants to do or go taking everyone except the husband who doesn’t want to go. This taking only one child is rubbish and will cause issues between siblings and if she thinks otherwise it is stupid and foolish. Especially in this instance where DSC have been told about the holiday in advance and would be looking forward to it. They will hate OP if she takes only her bio child and goes.

"They will hate OP if she takes only her bio child and goes."
It might well not matter to the OP if as a direct result of her step-children's father's behaviour, she takes only her biological child on holiday with her, along with her own mother, and never returns "home" to her H. If the step-children are upset then, that will be the SOLE responsibility of their father and by no stretch of the imagination, the fault of the OP.

Why are posters assuming the SDC will hate OP if she doesn’t want to take them on holiday with her DC?

My DC really wouldn’t want to holiday with their DSM if their dad wasn’t going to be there. They don’t hate her but they just wouldn’t be keen on that scenario.

Are you coming back to update @on103 ? I hope things didn’t get too difficult when you stood up for yourself.

That’s a whole lot of not OP’s problem. It’s their father’s, and apparently yours. Oh well. I’m sure in time you’ll get over it.

Is he working anywhere interesting? If so he can take you and the children with him. If not, it is time you wondered how much he should be paying you as a child minder, he does not seem to have much need for you or his children. Good luck.

Any update OP? It sounds like there are issues in your marriage not just related to this holidaym

Be the bigger person, there’s a child involved here. Take them all have a good holiday and tel him to GTF when you come back.

Depends on your financial situation is your husband the only/main earner? If he is then I understand about the work pressures being intense and the need to put work first. I would not punish my children or my step children's holiday because of it. I would still go and take all the kids but on the condition you and your DH plan a nice long weekend away together just the 2 of you.

Have a lovely holiday OP and don't look back!

I had similar issues, being father to child and step children - had demanding job with much travel and lengthy stays away from home. Luckily had understanding employer who paid to have family travel to my remote location. Still, it was often difficult and stressful.
Your husband is wrong here. I had to work hard also but we (family) made it OK, with a bruise or two. Many of us had/have similar difficult work/family conflicts. We found a way to have family holidays.

I agree. But she should stay away from using argument "Is Your Job More Important Than Your Family". That is a no-win situation.

@DBD1975,in her second post, @on103 mentions going to work, so her dh is not the sole earner in the family. And he is self employed, so should be able to schedule his work in order to take his family on holiday - if he wanted to.

Not sure I could cope with 4 kids at home nevermind on holiday. So I don't see an issue in OP just taking their kids just from a coping point of view.

In the work note, as someone running a 1 person business I know the challenge of taking time off, but there is no difference between booking work in a holiday and double booking a job. The holiday is booked time, DH has clearly decided work job is more important than family job.