Big bust up over holiday, but who's unreasonable about DC?

[on103]

We are due to go on holiday in a couple of weeks. Me, H, our DC and H's older DC.

He is self employed and it's the root cause of 99% of our issues. I am aware how difficult it can be but he absolutely uses it as an excuse to get out of certain aspects of family life. He is a workaholic imo.

Something has "cropped up" and he is now making noises about not being able to make the holiday. I'm so furious. I don't even know why I'm surprised. We have had a big argument about it with him saying I don't appreciate how hard he works (as if I don't) and me feeling like he never makes time for us. It will be the first holiday we've had as a family in years.

He has "kindly" suggested that I go by myself with DC which I've said don't worry I will be. However he was shocked when I said he could break to DSC that there wasn't a holiday anymore.

He seems to think he can duck out but I'll just go off with all the kids and leave him free for a week. I have said absolutely not. I'm going with DC but I am not going to take DSC too and let him duck out of his responsibilities. He can stay if he wants but he'll have to be the one to let them down.

I'm half minded to just never come back as it is!

Who is being unreasonable? (Aside from DH being a twat in general)...

Me for saying I'm not taking all the kids alone

Or DH for expecting me to just fuck off for a week with all the kids so he can work.

I’d never be treated like a second class citizen :-). Nor would I suggest. My original post on OP’s was that you either allow DH’s anxiety over job/providing/work/whatever it is - to ruin everybody’s holiday. Or you get on with it - like a woman! I have a deceased (young) bro’s kids come on holiday with us every year - I love them. They are 8 and 10. I’m not their nanny. I am their Auntie. I cook their food. Run their baths. Wash their towels. Watch them in the pool. Look after my Sis in Law. Let her have a break. I know it’s really hard. But kids need support regardless of how or why Dad’s are absent. Of course I agree that OP should insist and say ‘Come - I need help AND I need someone to chillax with at the end of it all’. But it’s not a ‘leave him’ ‘give him ultimatums’ ‘ why should you look after your SC’s kids’ situation.

Thanks also to the therapist who reckons I need help on enabling overworked Dads. I’m actually grand.

So being a woman means mopping up after men and taking on whatever responsibilities they refuse to?

Yeah, fuck that.

OP can get on with it by leaving him to deal with consequences of his own actions.

I'm looking at the problem as someone whose father didn't come on a number of childhood holidays, due to saying he was busy and having an obligation to visit his parents in another country (he could have done that at a different time). He regretted this bitterly years later when we were adults and he realised he'd missed important parts of our childhoods that could never be relived. Your husband is erasing a significant, special time which lives on in memories. Children aren't children for very long. He'll never get that back and his children will never forget that he didn't think time spent with them had any value.

I hope he reconsiders.

In an ideal world they would be one big happy family with all the children treated the same. However, you shouldn't opt out of parenting because you have a partner who you can dump all your parenting responsibilities on. You see it time and time again on MN threads. And it is always the stepmum being dumped on by the father. It's massively unfair and upsetting and awful for the children (and I expect their mum isn't best pleased either).

Has your DH said anything yet @on103 and how were things last night when the SD showed up?

I think the real question for OP is if all kids were her own and her DH did the same thing, would she tell him, I am leaving the older kids behind as I can’t manage 3 kids on my own?! I will only take the youngest as they would struggle without me being around.

Or would she just take her mum along and all the kids and go! If the answer is yes, she would take the kids if they were biologically hers then shows she thinks being a parent is only to do with biology! Doesn’t really show her in a good light!

Because they are not all her own, and that is the fundamental difference, even if in your family, everyone agreed to pretend that it wasn’t.

Op I am totally with you. Shit for the SC but 100% DHs fault. Literally no reason for the kid to miss a holiday other than the fact their dad can’t be arsed. I applaud you for taking a stand.

That’s not the real question, because it’s not OP’s situation.

You become a parent through biology or adoption, and she has neither birthed nor adopted these children.

she agreed to marry someone with a child- same difference. The ss is NOT responsible for this- suffered enough due to break up and dad leaving, and probably parents arguing- without having to be treated like an 'alien' now, through NO fault of his own.

What if it is her child next time, who is the 'step' one- or yours?

No, it isn’t. We’ve already gone over why they’re not in any way the same, and you repeating that they are isn’t suddenly going to make it the case. Adopting and birthing a child endow someone with parental responsibility for that child, whereas ‘stepparent’ is only a title that reflects that you’ve married a parent. That’s it.

No one said the stepchildren were responsible for this. Neither is OP though, and it’s not up to her to either compensate them, or step on to make up for the failings of their actual parent/s 🤷🏻‍♀️

Feel free to stay mad about it.

Not mad, but fair. I have a step brother and am so glad he was treated equally by his step parent (but not by the other). NOT a TITLE at all, a known fact, for which you must take responsibility when you marry their parent. If you do not agree to treat said step child on par with your own- you should not have married their parent. Quite simple, really.

As said, what if you own children become step children one day, and are not treated equally? Youd be ther first to shout 'unfair'.

I am neither a step-child, nor do I have any. Our three boys are our own and shared. But if ever they had become step children, of course through no fault of their own. I would have hoped they would have been treated well, and equally. And not made to suffer because of their birth parent's behaviour by a step parent. Again, quite simple, really.

No, people don’t in fact have to do what you would like them to, there is no ‘must’ about it. Equally, your approval isn’t required when it comes to someone else’s dating choices.

And yes, it is merely a title. What that role means to an individual is entirely up to them.

You’re ignoring the parents on this thread that wouldn’t expect, or approve of, their child’s stepparent taking them on holiday alone.

Their father, the person that is responsible for them, is the one making them suffer, not OP.

But that is not the case here as OP has said she is quite sure the bio mum would be ok with it. And if the kids were also happy going without either parent then it is just OP trying to get back at her spouse.

I think Op needs to figure out why her partner doesn’t want to holiday with her! At the rate this man is going he might already have a new flavour of the month! And then Op will be crying about how the new step mum doesn’t treat her child right! It is not normal for a person to cancel a holiday for a frivolous reason, it is either financial, health, emergency etc. A holiday is a treat, not a punishment unless that is what holidaying with Op is like!

LOL stamp your feet a little harder there. I wouldn’t consider jettisoning this man to be any great loss tbh, and there’s nothing to suggest that OP would expect anything more from a stepmother than she is prepared to give. You’re just imagining she would because it best suits your narrative.

OP isn’t okay with taking them with her and assuming responsibility for HIS children. That is the most important thing here. Whether anyone else is okay with it, is irrelevant.

She’s not ‘getting back’ at him, as if she ever intended to take his kids and changed her mind in order to punish him. She agreed to a family holiday, and that apparently is no longer in the table. As such, she’s adjusted her plans.

He’s a dick isn’t he?

I reckon he will back down, then be a miserable stony faced arsehole about it, then the night before they leave, something will happen that means he simply can’t go, and it’s “too late” to cancel DSS/invite OPs DM.

Indeed, he left one woman for another, Can do it again- and her children will be the next step children, not treated the same by the new younger model.

Totally fair, of course, as she has not 'birthed' them, or adopted them.

If it was my child next time, under no circumstances would I expect DH’s new partner to take my DC away without him. Why on earth would I want this?! I’d actually say no if she asked.

No idea why you think this is a gotcha. Unless it’s all part of the ‘stepmums must do anything they’re told as this is what you signed up for’ schtick.

'gotcha' ?

wow, poor kids.

What if it is her child next time, who is the 'step' one- or yours?

I would never expect my child's stepmother to bring my children on holiday without their father being present. Ever!

Where did OP say he left his ex for her?

Why would she, or indeed anyway, expect anyone who wasn’t their mother to act as if they were? There are parents on this thread, whose children are stepchildren, fully supporting OP, so I’m not sure why you’re running with this idea that OP would have a problem with it. You’re doing a lot of assuming in regards OP’s feelings, and again it’s all to suit your own fever dream of a narrative.

🎻🎻🎻🎻

Your violins, ma’am.

Thank goodness not my kids. Violins for them