Big bust up over holiday, but who's unreasonable about DC?

[on103]

We are due to go on holiday in a couple of weeks. Me, H, our DC and H's older DC.

He is self employed and it's the root cause of 99% of our issues. I am aware how difficult it can be but he absolutely uses it as an excuse to get out of certain aspects of family life. He is a workaholic imo.

Something has "cropped up" and he is now making noises about not being able to make the holiday. I'm so furious. I don't even know why I'm surprised. We have had a big argument about it with him saying I don't appreciate how hard he works (as if I don't) and me feeling like he never makes time for us. It will be the first holiday we've had as a family in years.

He has "kindly" suggested that I go by myself with DC which I've said don't worry I will be. However he was shocked when I said he could break to DSC that there wasn't a holiday anymore.

He seems to think he can duck out but I'll just go off with all the kids and leave him free for a week. I have said absolutely not. I'm going with DC but I am not going to take DSC too and let him duck out of his responsibilities. He can stay if he wants but he'll have to be the one to let them down.

I'm half minded to just never come back as it is!

Who is being unreasonable? (Aside from DH being a twat in general)...

Me for saying I'm not taking all the kids alone

Or DH for expecting me to just fuck off for a week with all the kids so he can work.

Well your idea of family and mine is different. I have a step parent and my mum is a step parent to my step dads kids. We were all treated equally and they continue to do that. I thought that was pretty standard but after reading this thread I realise I am blessed with the most wonderful parent and step parent.

I doubt that DSc's mum would be happy either tbh!

Thankfully, yes. Yes it is.

That a stepparent isn’t the same as a biological parent is a statement of fact. Unless a stepparent has taken the steps to adopt their stepchild or gain parental responsibility, they are not a parent to their stepchild and nor are they required to assume the role of one. That your stepfather chose to was just that - his personal choice. Just as he was free to make that choice, others are free to choose differently.

I had a mum and step mum. I’d have been absolutely horrified if anyone had suggested I
was a child of step mother. I had 2 parents!

I have a stepdaughter that I have a very good relationship with. Her dad admits that she has a closer relationship with me than she does with him. He also acknowledges that I did much more with her as a child than he did.

But I'm not her mother. Nor would I ever claim to be. She has a mother. A very good mother. I'm a significant person in her life. She confides in me. But I am not her mother. I have 4 children. I carried them. I raised them. If my DH was ever to end up in a relationship with someone else I would hope she would treat my children well - but she would not be their mother. And I would not allow her to start calling herself their mother!

I am not saying DSC need to be told OP is their mum or anything of the sort. But she is a part of their life as a step parent just like an aunt etc. I find this portraying OP as nothing to do with DSC very weird. Unless she was the OW and the bio mum didn’t want her kids socialising with her!

I don’t have a step mum as my dad died. And my step siblings don’t have a step dad as their own mum died. So all the siblings had lost one parent in our case due to death.

Well if she isn’t happy then the kids can’t go. That’s for sure. The people with parental responsibility need to agree who can take their child on holiday!

No one is actually suggesting she has nothing to do with them and she’s said that she does a bit with them. That doesn’t mean she has to take them on holidays on her own because her husband doesn’t feel like it.

No, if you want a comparison it’s you booking a holiday wiht your kids and nieces and nephews, then making up a reason you can’t come and sending your dh on his own. Would that be fine??

Well it sounded like it was all booked and kids have been told and now last min DH is pulling out. So it would be unfair to the kids if they still wanted to go and their bio parents were ok with it for her not to take them just to score points against her DH. It is not like the kids are a last min addition to the trip. They were always included and if it is a package holiday you are unlikely to be able to get refunded so might as well go!

Have you all never gone for holiday with close friends or family but without your parents?! So how is OP taking them any different to that?!

OP seems to not like these DSC very much and that is sad. I would not let down the kids but then maybe I am unique as a lot of people on here seem to think I am being unreasonable!

Well my DH would definitely still go! He loves holidays and he would manage the kids easily in an all inclusive as no cooking. He is terrible at cooking. He would probably have invited one other adult like his mum to tag along which OP is anyway doing.

I am not saying DSC need to be told OP is their mum or anything of the sort. But she is a part of their life as a step parent just like an aunt etc.

But "aunt" isn't a role any more than stepmother is. It's just a title used to indicate how two people are connected. It doesn't come with rules or obligations. The only people who have actual responsibility for a child are the parents. It's up to everyone else to decide what level of involvement they want to have. The default is none. Anything more than that is choice.

Exactly! You are a step mother and a significant person in her life. Ppl seem to keep acting like Op has nothing to do with DSC. The idea is to be like a close aunt not replace the mum. My step dad never tried to replace my dad, instead he is there like a father figure for guidance and help without imposing himself. I have sooo much love and respect for him and I always will be there for him. Even if my mum were to pass before him I would care for him as if he were my own dad, no question about that.

Ah well, one can always be cold and uncaring but then that is what you will get in return!

Surely, if a man already has children and you choose to date and then marry him you have to take into account his children who already exist! They came before you! They are more important. So if you can’t accept them, then don’t date the man.

True. But I don't know if he had 2 children, we had 1 together, he had agreed we all go on holiday and then backed out leaving me to bring everyone myself how I'd feel. I'd think it was a cheap trick and he had no intention of ever going. Just used me and my good nature to get a week off to do as he pleased without needing to think about his children.

The only one responsible if the children miss out is DH. It is completely within his control.

What role a stepparent takes, and what ‘taking them into account’ means to a stepparent, is entirely up to the individual stepparent in question. Whether you personally approve or not is irrelevant, as if your opinion on their dating choices.

Ppl tend to say that because it's true . Just saying 😌

If OP honestly believes this is a cheap trick by her DH to avoid going on holiday with her and his kids then she has bigger problems! 😂

Of course the children should be more important-to him. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to consider them important enough to go to one holiday in several years with them which he has promised.

They don't seem that important to OP's H, as he can't be bothered to go on holiday with them.

I don't think people are particularly bothered when the people they aren't bothered about don't bother with them.

Yep, she does. And she doesn't need to be made to feel that on top of having a twatty husband she also should feel guilty about the fact that he's a twatty father to his children, and it's somehow her role to compensate for his twattiness.

Best thing she could do for him and his relationship with his children is let him figure it out himself. He's a big ass grown man.

Is that not the father's responsibility though? If he wants a wife who will put his children first, he should marry a woman who will put his children first, rather than someone who just suits him.

Absolutely NOT being unreasonable, if he can't be bothered to take the time off to go on holiday with you all, then he can stay home and spend his down time with your DSC/his other DC!