Big bust up over holiday, but who's unreasonable about DC?

[on103]

We are due to go on holiday in a couple of weeks. Me, H, our DC and H's older DC.

He is self employed and it's the root cause of 99% of our issues. I am aware how difficult it can be but he absolutely uses it as an excuse to get out of certain aspects of family life. He is a workaholic imo.

Something has "cropped up" and he is now making noises about not being able to make the holiday. I'm so furious. I don't even know why I'm surprised. We have had a big argument about it with him saying I don't appreciate how hard he works (as if I don't) and me feeling like he never makes time for us. It will be the first holiday we've had as a family in years.

He has "kindly" suggested that I go by myself with DC which I've said don't worry I will be. However he was shocked when I said he could break to DSC that there wasn't a holiday anymore.

He seems to think he can duck out but I'll just go off with all the kids and leave him free for a week. I have said absolutely not. I'm going with DC but I am not going to take DSC too and let him duck out of his responsibilities. He can stay if he wants but he'll have to be the one to let them down.

I'm half minded to just never come back as it is!

Who is being unreasonable? (Aside from DH being a twat in general)...

Me for saying I'm not taking all the kids alone

Or DH for expecting me to just fuck off for a week with all the kids so he can work.

Yeah, definitely! Unfortunately a lot of men assume things or are not explicit enough and find out the truth later!

My cousin died while giving birth to twin girls. She already had a little girl who was 3 years old. Her DH re-married after a year. It was clear that he already had 3 kids and he expected his new wife to support him. Unfortunately she acted like she cared about the kids till they got married. She wanted a huge wedding and expensive honeymoon etc. Then she packed them off after a month to her PIL’s house and refused to have them back. That marriage lasted 6months as he said he didn’t think it was fair to his children.

After a few years he fell in love with a wonderful woman who has embraced the children like her own. And they have now been married 25 years.

Sorry OP but I think there’s more going on here other than work. Sure there’s no sign of someone else? Be very careful with this one and look after yourself x and enjoy your hol

Love this post OP - your defo NBU... I can only think of one valid excuse for not going & that would be financial. Being self employed is a pain & reserves must be put in place if time off is taken UNLESS ... it's already financially rewarding !...
He should be grateful that this holiday is on the cards in the first place &, could be a welcome break from all his 'Hard work"
If it was me I'd made up - I haven't had a holiday in the past ten years & would jump at the chance 🤓...)
Good luck on any decision you make & I hope it all works out well for you & your family 👍

I never said 'ahead'.

I did wonder that myself

@AtlanticMum There are 2 older step-children. OP only has a 4 year old.

Why should she take all 3 when the children's own father just wants a child free week?

He’s being an arse. My OH is also self employed, also hates having time off work and ‘losing money’…however when it comes to the kids (sports day, holidays etc) he doesn’t think twice.

In your position I would refuse to go, or go but make it clear I’d be leaving him when I returned. It would annoy me being responsible for his child, but it’s not fair on the child to be left out - he wouldn’t understand why and it’s the grown ups job to protect them from that.

Hi UANBU - at all!

My father used to do this all of the time and it’s completely shitty of him to do to you and an 8/10 year old. However I would continue with the plan - and as you’ve said - bring some help. Also. Bring DH’s Credit Card. 😫. He won’t stop this behaviour until you really show him how hurtful it is. My father used to do this all of the time to my mother. And my DH did it post lock-down to me and DD - he got completely wound up in a family business drama 🙄 ( never-ending BS) before our much needed holiday. I went. Had a great time with DD. He was sorry he missed it. But crucially hasn’t done it again. Have a great holiday!

Well - I just think they are 8 and 10 - and whilst there is effort required - SC’s should be no different to DC’s in terms of a let-down - they get to holiday together and disruption minimised. From experience - these ‘abandon’s’ are down to stress/anxiety/OCD or some other disorder - there is no point in OP seeing that disruption pass on to her DC and DH’s DC’s at this age. 🤷‍♀️. That’s all.

Why is everyone suggesting that OP should suck it up and bring all the children so as not to upset them?

Why are those people not suggesting that her H should suck it up and go on (the already agreed and planned) holiday with his family??

Why does it always have to fall back on the woman to pick up the slack? And why of she doesn't is it somehow her fault that children are upset? It's this type of thinking that allows men to behave as they like and view women as the unreasonable ones for objecting.

They are different though - OP is responsible for one child, not three.

It’s not OP’s responsibility to take on the burden of his failings. His fucking up is on him, and the problems caused by that are his to solve - not hers. She is under no obligation to suck it up ‘for the children’, as if she should ever be considered more responsible for his child than their actual parent is.

100% plus if OP brings all children this time then her DH hasn't faced any consequences for his actions and no doubt with continue doing more of the same in the future.

Just offering my opinion. That’s what we do on here - right?!

So, in your opinion, should he go on the holiday?

Of course he should. But by the sound of him OP would be better off without him on the holiday as he’ll just spend all of his time on his phone or computer or whatever. I am married to one of these workaholics and my father was the same. So I do know what I am talking about. You just have to get on with it and let them get on with their angst.

Gently @AtlanticMum , its most likely that because you saw your mum enabling this type of behaviour and your dad behaving this way you have ended up with a similar man. Perhaps instead of "getting on with it" as you and your mother did, the OP should be setting an expected standard where her DH doesn't get to opt out and add expect her to pick up the slack.

No, she doesn’t have to just get on with it. She can decide that it isn’t what she wants, and that she isn’t prepared to enable it. Him being a workaholic doesn’t negate the responsibility HE has for his children.

She’s also perfectly free to leave him and make a happier life for herself elsewhere.

Yes, and people commenting on your opinion is also a common occurrence on message boards.

As PPs said, what are the consequences if I just "get on with it"?

He's pissed off because he's going to have to look his children in the face and tell them work is more important than spending time with them. That's the consequence.

A few asked what he'd do work wise if he had to look after DSC all week now. I don't know to be honest. He'll have to figure that out.

Mum has agreed to come so that's one thing at least. He needs to decide within the week so I can change the name on the flight.

Guess we'll find out tonight when SC come whether he has the stomach to actually go through with it.

OP

He's pretty certain that you'll give in and agree to take his children and if you do, then the problem of him remaining an absent and uninvolved parent will continue
As you'll have discovered from just the responses that you've had on this thread, many women will simply roll over and take over all childcare duties for step children as that is preferable for them to having no partner
Many others who have commented, me included, find it almost abhorrent that women accept this level of entitlement and selfishness from men
You just have to decide what works for you
which must be somewhat difficult knowing that if you don't give in to his demands that you'll be punished in some way, whether that's silent treatment or verbal abuse or whatever his preferred method for getting you to toe the line is

He sounds like the kind of twat to tell them in front of you and make you the culprit. Have you worked out how you’ll deal with that if it happens? You’re absolutely in the right but if he’s going to make the kids cry while blaming you you need a plan. Do not change your mind.

I know! I couldn't believe it when I read it! 😂

@on103

Guess we'll find out tonight when SC come whether he has the stomach to actually go through with it.

Are you planning on being present when this conversation happens? Because I'd want to be. Not to necessarily be a part of it, but to be sure he doesn't throw me under the bus and to 'clarify' if he tries to.

At this point, I think that even if he does get his act together and agree to go, he's going to be a misery guts the whole time to punish you. But that's a problem for another day.

Good luck for tonight!