Big bust up over holiday, but who's unreasonable about DC?

[on103]

We are due to go on holiday in a couple of weeks. Me, H, our DC and H's older DC.

He is self employed and it's the root cause of 99% of our issues. I am aware how difficult it can be but he absolutely uses it as an excuse to get out of certain aspects of family life. He is a workaholic imo.

Something has "cropped up" and he is now making noises about not being able to make the holiday. I'm so furious. I don't even know why I'm surprised. We have had a big argument about it with him saying I don't appreciate how hard he works (as if I don't) and me feeling like he never makes time for us. It will be the first holiday we've had as a family in years.

He has "kindly" suggested that I go by myself with DC which I've said don't worry I will be. However he was shocked when I said he could break to DSC that there wasn't a holiday anymore.

He seems to think he can duck out but I'll just go off with all the kids and leave him free for a week. I have said absolutely not. I'm going with DC but I am not going to take DSC too and let him duck out of his responsibilities. He can stay if he wants but he'll have to be the one to let them down.

I'm half minded to just never come back as it is!

Who is being unreasonable? (Aside from DH being a twat in general)...

Me for saying I'm not taking all the kids alone

Or DH for expecting me to just fuck off for a week with all the kids so he can work.

6 adults with 6 kids, all the kids having both their parents with them? This is utterly different from the OP, whose partner expects her to take his two children by another woman on holiday with her and their own child, on her own and without a murmur.

Why do you think OP needs to stress herself out as a nanny for his kids though?

Why don’t you advise her to tell DH that he has to take his kids?

Well I am sure when I take my nieces for a holiday my sis and bil would kill me anything happened to them. So I take care of them the same as I would my own children. They trust me So let their kids holiday with me. So me taking FOUR kids, 2 of my own and 2 of my nieces is comparable to OP taking her child and 2 dsc on holiday. And let’s be clear she was anyway supposed to go on holiday with them, just that the dad was going along. I am sure if he went along they would take turns to chill. So now she has her mum to help her take turns.

Read that again slowly. Why are you letting this awful man off the hook? I repeat, why? So OP has responsibility for 3 kids, 2 not hers and instead of their father she gets her mother, who has no relationship with DSC and us hardly a romantic partner. Excellent. Good plan.

Why do people keep talking about free childcare and OP being a maid or a nanny?! She is a step parent. If you marry someone with children you have to accept that those children will become part of your life. If not, you should not marry someone with kids. Simple!

Again, you taking your nieces/nephews with your HUSBAND is completely different to OP taking her DSC.

You are really living up to your name, as a pp said.

And OP’s mum likely doesn’t want to be nanny to the DSC either to spare OP’s DH. Why do you assume she would be happy to do this?

I’m Asian too and family is important to me too, but I don’t subscribe to your sexist theory that the woman shuts up and puts up to let their husband be lazy and not care for his own kids.

In an absolute nutshell, @AcrossthePond55!

The baddie in this picture is @on103‘s dh, who is choosing to work instead of going on holiday with his children.

Absolutely @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

She accepted they were a part of her life. She didn’t sign up to being an unpaid nanny for her lazy husband.

Why don’t you get that?

It was not my plan. OP has chosen to take her mum along to replace her DH. In an ideal world her DH should go along. Now for whatever reason he doesn’t want to go. It might be work or he just doesn’t want to holiday with OP. So OP has to decide how to make the most of the pre-booked holiday. What happens to the DSC flight tickets, stay etc. I assume more than one room was booked for so many people! Can it all be refunded?! I would take the kids so they don’t lose out and also use the opportunity to get to know them better!

I love the way people come on to post examples which are in no way similar to the OPs

I wouldn't take them either. You don't have PR for them if something were to happen or one fell ill. Your H needs to step up or deal with the consequences.

All those saying it's the children missing out and OP needs to bring them.. not one of you has suggested the children are missing out and THEIR DAD needs to bring them!

Why does it always fall back on the woman?

He has agreed to a family holiday. He has plenty time to plan ahead and put arrangements in place for when he is on leave. He simply couldn't be arsed. Preferring instead to let the women in his life do the heavy lifting when it comes to his children.

If OP posted that she did everything, on his access time he is never present, he makes alternative arrangements for when his children are with him and she does everything, she'd be told she's being taken advantage of and the children's mother should know that he isn't spending the time with the children. Along with LTB!

OP shouldn't be the one to bring these children on holidays. THEIR FATHER should. It's his access time. And people think it's ok for him to be in a different country.

🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Fair enough, I was a bit hasty but I do think he is a shitty excuse for a husband.

Who said a woman should shut up and put up?! I for one didn’t. I told her to give him hell in one of my earlier posts. But I would NOT take it out on the DSC. It is not their fault and will cause jealousy between the siblings unnecessarily. I don’t believe children should be involved or used as pawns in adult fights, we should protect their innocence at all costs. They didn’t sign up for this family set up. Atleast shield them as much as possible and don’t make them feel unloved.

I am a step child and I am so glad my step dad treated me so well and continues to do so. I would have felt terrible if he only took care of his 2 kids from previous marriage and ignored me and my sis. My mum also treats his kids the same as us.

Who said a woman should shut up and put up?! I for one didn’t. I told her to give him hell in one of my earlier posts. But I would NOT take it out on the DSC. It is not their fault and will cause jealousy between the siblings unnecessarily

So giving him hell, but still putting up, then?

Do you think taking care of your own children is nannying?! The DSC are her children since she married a man with children. She can’t get rid of them as it doesn’t suit her. They are part of the package deal. So taking care of them at some points will be required.

Well how she puts up with it is her choice! If this man is so terrible and the DSC are such a bother she should LTB! But that is between her and her DH, why involve the kids in that and take your anger and frustration out on them. They are kids and don’t need that.

She has no parental responsibility they are not her children, imagine telling their own actual mother that 😂

The DSC are her children since she married a man with children.

No, they aren’t. It’s fine if your stepdad decided to treat you like this, but you don’t get to make the same distinction for everyone else. Stepchildren are the children of their parents. My DSC are certainly not my children, and neither would they or their mother (or DH) describe them to be.

They are part of her life, but they’re not her children. Being part of her life does not make her a childcare provider. Being part of her life does not make her responsible for them.

It really isn’t that hard to comprehend.

That’s not how that works. And no, taking care of them isn’t required - a stepparent is completely free to choose not to do that.

She hasnt got PR. If they split she would likely never see them again.

Your husband’s a dick, and a disappointing father.

Enjoy your holiday with your child.

I assume he won’t actually be able to work whilst providing childcare for his children whilst you are away.

I would say perhaps when he sees the disappointment in his children when they find out from him there’s no holiday he’ll learn a lesson. I doubt it though. Selfish people are selfish people.

Exactly. OP's needs are equal to her husband's needs. He doesn't want to take his kids on holiday, neither does she. Fine, that's equal.

But if you're saying that OP should put her husband's and her stepchildren's needs ahead of her needs and her own children's needs, nope I can't agree with that.

@on103

Just wondering how it's going. Were you able to talk sense into your H? Is he going to step up to the plate and tell his children that he has decided they aren't going on holiday?

I hate to point it out, but if you cave now, you're setting a precedent for the future.