Big bust up over holiday, but who's unreasonable about DC?

[on103]

We are due to go on holiday in a couple of weeks. Me, H, our DC and H's older DC.

He is self employed and it's the root cause of 99% of our issues. I am aware how difficult it can be but he absolutely uses it as an excuse to get out of certain aspects of family life. He is a workaholic imo.

Something has "cropped up" and he is now making noises about not being able to make the holiday. I'm so furious. I don't even know why I'm surprised. We have had a big argument about it with him saying I don't appreciate how hard he works (as if I don't) and me feeling like he never makes time for us. It will be the first holiday we've had as a family in years.

He has "kindly" suggested that I go by myself with DC which I've said don't worry I will be. However he was shocked when I said he could break to DSC that there wasn't a holiday anymore.

He seems to think he can duck out but I'll just go off with all the kids and leave him free for a week. I have said absolutely not. I'm going with DC but I am not going to take DSC too and let him duck out of his responsibilities. He can stay if he wants but he'll have to be the one to let them down.

I'm half minded to just never come back as it is!

Who is being unreasonable? (Aside from DH being a twat in general)...

Me for saying I'm not taking all the kids alone

Or DH for expecting me to just fuck off for a week with all the kids so he can work.

That may be the case but that’s an argument between her and DH. Again it is not the Children’s fault and they shouldn’t be punished because their dad is useless. OP is refusing to take them and making DH tell them as a punishment for him, the reality is the only people losing out in this scenario are the Children.

Can’t help thinking there’s much more to the OPs situation than this holiday. The first post said he’s a twat in general, he’s probably done this, or very similar, before

If DH doesn't tell the DC, who should tell them? He's the one letting them down.

I repeat.

Just because DH is punishing his kids doesn't mean OP should punish herself.

Taking her DC and 2 DSC on holiday on her own is not her idea of a holiday.

She's basically being treated as an unpaid nanny by her DH.

He is responsible for his children. She isn’t prepared to provide childcare for him because he wants to stay home, and nor should she have to. I’m not sure why you expect her to create work for herself (more than she already has to) and ‘think of the children’ when their actual father can’t be fucked to do so. It’s not on her to make up for his failings.

She believed they were going on a family holiday, she never agreed to go solo and provide him with childcare. She isn’t punishing them - she’s responding to the change in circumstances. They no longer have a parent that’s willing to take them on holiday, and as such they can’t go.

OP doesn’t have to lower herself to his level though does she. I do feel sorry for the children her child as well, they are the only ones paying for DH’s behaviour.

From what OP has said, she really needs this holiday. If she were to take all three children, she wouldn't be able to enjoy herself the way she'd planned.

She isn’t reneging on anything she agreed to. He is. Once again, she isn’t obliged to compensate for his failings.

Fuck me, ’yes he’s shit but do it anyway’ is some surrendered wife shit.

Of course it is 🙄

Oh I get that, and thoroughly believe DH is a waste of space and useless, he 100% should be going, and OP should seriously consider whether this is the type of relationship she wants whether he goes or not.

Well done OP!

he can’t let everyone down. Absolutely not so if he wants to back out of his commitment, that doesn’t mean that you have to fork out anything and everything to make him as free as possible 🤷🏼‍♀️

If you had offer, that would be really really nice of you but that he expects it 😢🫣

anyhow…my thoughts on gentleman whom desire a family to then not want to spend time with said family 🥹😅

That…

i am unclear how everyone born in the 70s/80s remember family time as mom does everything and dad is on the sofa sleeping. Oh yes, wait, the mums did it for the children.
and hereby, raised their children exactly like that. Round go round.

she should be transparent and if He doesn’t want to disturb his relationship with his kids…maybe he can grow up and be a dad. Otherwise all the kids stay home, mum needs a holiday 😎💪🏼💪🏼❤️

Does the stepchild live with you?

She doesn't have to lower herself to being his maid.

Man bows out of caring for HIS children and expects his wife to take over = Fine

Wife bows out of caring for her husband's children and expects him to care for them = What a terrible awful person she is.

God I'm glad I never married a man with children. I don't think I could have handled the inequity in expectations.

Yes, in the holiday I referred to just now I went away with my DH and 2 kids. But we also travelled with 2 other families who we are very close friends with. So 6 adults and 6 kids. There were times during the holiday where one or the other of us was minding the kids while others were relaxing. So if I was watching the kids while they played near the water on the beach, my friends and their DH’s were relaxing on sun loungers with drinks and reading books or trying out water sports etc. At other times, one of my friends would engage all the kids in building a sand castle while the rest of us played beach volleyball etc.

And my nieces live abroad and I only see them once a year. I have taken them on holiday with me and had no issues. The OP parents her step children 3 days a week so I am sure she has some bond with them and can control them. Also it would be so lovely for all the kids to go together and make memories!

Not at all for me. Anyone marries someone with children needs to put their needs on equal footing.

So on the 6 kids/6 adults holidays, you all took turns to chill and to watch the kids, which isn't really possible on a solo holiday. 6 kids at once could work but if one is tired, one needs the toilet one of the other adults can help out rather than all having to traipse to the loo together (and repeat 30 minutes later for the child that "didn't need to go then".) Also value of having a break rather than being "on" all week.

If the youngest was like 6 or 7, then it would be more likely to work but 4 year olds are very different to 8/10 year old kids.

Solo parenting on holiday is hard, unless all the kids have similar interests, plus there is a decent kids club. I'd not bother, but I'm pretty meh on holidays with kids and it's usually same old, different location, less stuff and less options if the weather is shite...

This is grim from your H. You should listen to Gabor Mate on workaholics.

Totally agree! I can’t understand why no one seems to understand how much this would upset the children. They must have already told half the world they were going on holiday etc. I have an 8 year old and for months she has been talking about the holiday we had planned for the may/june half term break. I can imagine how heartbroken she would be if we had told her last minute she was not going. That would just be cruel. Also OP’s mum is coming along as per her update so why can’t she take the kids?! I would take kids which weren’t related to me if their parents had pulled out last min and we all planned to go together. I can’t imagine being so cruel to your step children.

After reading this thread, I am ever so grateful to my step dad for always being kind and inclusive. And also proud of my mum for always treating my step brother and sister as if they were her own.

You seriously think your situation compares with OP’s?

She would have 24/7 sole care of THREE children, two of whom are not her own and whose parents would go ape shit if anything happened to them.

Your little babysitting arrangement is nothing in comparison.

It always turns out that these proponents of the step-mum doing it all are just clueless, as you have shown.

I can’t understand why you haven’t considered that the DSC may not want to without their parents.

This trip has the potential of turning into a disaster because the DSC will feel abandoned by their dad.

And hilariously now you’re not just co-opting the OP as a nanny to her DSC, you’re now co-opting the OP’s mum, another woman, into it as well.

The youngest was my other child who is 3years old, the eldest kid was 10 with the others in between. They all pretty much did the same activities, my 3 year old took naps in the afternoon on the sun loungers most days. On a couple of days I did take him back to the room to sleep in the aircon. The older kids could have attended kids club in that time or had some quiet time with a book/ipad etc.

My niece's are older than my kids so they are 13 and 10. But when I take them with me they understand what is possible with a younger cousin and are lovely and accommodating. Had no hassle with the age range. In fact the 13 year old is amazing with my younger one and so responsible! Like travelling with a tiny nanny! 😂

No he isn’t. He’s choosing to work because he prefers it to the child rearing he sees as less important. Don’t worry, wifey will step up and do it for him. (In his mind)

In an earlier post I did say if the kids didn’t want to go without their bio parents then fine. But if they did, it would be cruel to leave them out. The kids didn’t ask for their parents to be divorced or to have step parents. If you are going to be one, then be a decent one.

So what should she do? Take this t**’s children away for him so he can shirk his responsibilities?