Big bust up over holiday, but who's unreasonable about DC?

[on103]

We are due to go on holiday in a couple of weeks. Me, H, our DC and H's older DC.

He is self employed and it's the root cause of 99% of our issues. I am aware how difficult it can be but he absolutely uses it as an excuse to get out of certain aspects of family life. He is a workaholic imo.

Something has "cropped up" and he is now making noises about not being able to make the holiday. I'm so furious. I don't even know why I'm surprised. We have had a big argument about it with him saying I don't appreciate how hard he works (as if I don't) and me feeling like he never makes time for us. It will be the first holiday we've had as a family in years.

He has "kindly" suggested that I go by myself with DC which I've said don't worry I will be. However he was shocked when I said he could break to DSC that there wasn't a holiday anymore.

He seems to think he can duck out but I'll just go off with all the kids and leave him free for a week. I have said absolutely not. I'm going with DC but I am not going to take DSC too and let him duck out of his responsibilities. He can stay if he wants but he'll have to be the one to let them down.

I'm half minded to just never come back as it is!

Who is being unreasonable? (Aside from DH being a twat in general)...

Me for saying I'm not taking all the kids alone

Or DH for expecting me to just fuck off for a week with all the kids so he can work.

My DH and I help our friends and siblings out and they help us too. I am asian and in our culture we have huge families and we all help each other out. It takes a village to bring kids up and all that..

Nooooo - go for daddy will take the two of you away on a special trip very soon to make it up to you.

You sound not much older than those kids.

It honestly looks like he set all this up

• Agree to take the kids on holiday
• Then unavoidably be not able to go on holiday
• OP takes his kids away for duration of holiday
• He doesn't have to spend any time doing any thing with his children and when they come back from holiday they go back to their mam

Everyone's happy. Except @on103

But in this case it is step children, that OP parent’s 3 days a week anyway. It is not like some random strangers. I find this whole attitude towards the children terrible! As if the step parent has zero responsibility towards these children. I have a step dad and I am glad he never treated me like this and neither did my mum treat his kids like this.

@HiddenBooks I've heard it all...OP should leave HER child at home and take HIS children on the holiday😂😂christ you couldn't make this shit up...hilarious

Op is being kind, she's ensuring her step children spend their contact time with their father, their actual parent.

Irrelevant. OP isn’t responsible for her stepchildren - that’s on their actual parent. It’s wild that you think she has a greater responsibility towards them than he does. His failure to consider them does not oblige OP in any way.

And no, a stepparent isn’t responsible for their stepchildren. It’s a title, not a defined role with rights and responsibilities. It’s up to the individual stepparent what the role entails for them. It’s fine if you don’t like what someone else chooses to do - you aren’t required to.

True! Some step parents are crap, unfortunately OP isn’t much better than her DH!

She’s not the that upended any plans. As it is, she’s making sure her son gets a holiday. By pulling out her husband has made it so his children can’t go, as he’s the one responsible for them. Again, it’s not on her to step in and compensate for his failings by providing free childcare for him.

He’s the one that’s let them all down, not her.

Good for you OP.

Hopefully your ‘D’H now pays for his ex and their kids to have a holiday, since his selfish actions have caused them to miss out.

Enjoy your holiday with your DC and mum.

You are both BU he is being totally BU as he should be going on holiday with you and the children. You are BU for using the DSC in this argument.

She’s not using the DSC. Do you really think it’s reasonable for OP have to take 3 dc away on her own? Two of which will be missing their actual mum and dad?

@poolemoney If they’d promised the children a holiday then yes, it’s not the children’s fault the Dad is useless. They are being used to punish the DH for his actions but it’s really not their fault.

I'm with you op, there's no way I'd be taking his dc on holiday whilst he uses work as an excuse to stay at home.

Tbh I'd be questioning my entire relationship, if your DH is fucking out of family life for whatever reason, why bother with him at all

But as pp have said, OP agreed to a holiday on the understanding that the DH was coming. So OP hasn't broken any promises, it's DH breaking the promise.

I'm a bit confused as to why the OP can't just go away and enjoy herself on holiday. She's going away with 3 kids. The 4-year-old one needs supervision, but the others should be capable of entertaining themselves, dressing themselves, and feeding themselves if it's a resort.
Who's paying for the holiday?

But it’s not the DC’s fault and I expect OP’s DC was looking forward to going on holiday with their siblings. So all the children are being punished because DH is useless.

Just because DH is punishing his kids doesn't mean OP should punish herself.

Taking her DC and 2 DSC on holiday on her own is not her idea of a holiday.

She's basically being treated as an unpaid nanny by her DH.

Contact time is given so the step children can primarily see their father, which is exactly what will happen if their dad goes on holiday or stays at home.

So two children and they're both yours. Quite a difference. And yes - I've been told than an all-inclusive holiday does make things much easier.

YANBU, especially as this is the first family holiday you have had in years. Your DH is massively unreasonable for expecting you to take all the kids yourself.

I'll add that the dynamic between you and nieces will be very different from the dynamic between the OP and her stepchildren, given that they only see her 3 dys a week and were actually expecting their father to go on holiday with them.

4dc on your own? And no parental rights so if anything happened it would be very very difficult.

Holiday was booked on the promise of 2 adults with 3 DC.

One adult saying he won't go means holiday can't proceed as planned. Change of plan is 1 adult with her own 1 DC.

It's as simple as that. You are trying to make it emotive with all the language around punishing/point scoring.

And assuming OP and DH are paying out of the household budget

Who else would be paying?