Page 14 | Big bust up over holiday, but who's unreasonable about DC?

on103 · 2024-06-10T18:42:37+00:00

We are due to go on holiday in a couple of weeks. Me, H, our DC and H's older DC. He is self employed and it's the root cause of 99% of our issues. I am aware how difficult it can be but he absolutely uses it as an excuse to get out of certain aspects of family life. He is a workaholic imo. Something has "cropped up" and he is now making noises about not being able to make the holiday. I'm so furious. I don't even know why I'm surprised. We have had a big argument about it with him saying I don't appreciate how hard he works (as if I don't) and me feeling like he never makes time for us. It will be the first holiday we've had as a family in years. He has "kindly" suggested that I go by myself with DC which I've said don't worry I will be. However he was shocked when I said he could break to DSC that there wasn't a holiday anymore. He seems to think he can duck out but I'll just go off with all the kids and leave him free for a week. I have said absolutely not. I'm going with DC but I am not going to take DSC too and let him duck out of his responsibilities. He can stay if he wants but he'll have to be the one to let them down. I'm half minded to just never come back as it is! Who is being unreasonable? (Aside from DH being a twat in general)... Me for saying I'm not taking all the kids alone Or DH for expecting me to just fuck off for a week with all the kids so he can work.

InterIgnis · 12/06/2024 11:47

Silvers11 · 12/06/2024 11:26

There is a big difference between the type of holiday appropriate for a 4 year old and one for an 8 year old and a 10 year old and therefore would understand that if their Dad isn't going with them, then it isn't practical for the OP to take all three of them, even with her Mum along, because the Dad won't be there to take his Kids to do something different to the 4 year old sometimes.

Although, OP has already said she is asking her Mum to go with her and her own child and she could, if she wanted leave the 4 year old with her Mum and do something different with the older children herself. They do stay with OP and her DH 3 days a week. However, I can also understand her reluctance to do so, given that it was supposed to be a family holiday and will not be what she originally was expecting.

Her DH is a disgrace, completely get that too.

However, from the posts, both from the OP and some of the replies, I cannot understand why the DSC are seen as 'not my responsibility' and only the responsibility of the Birth Parent. So many people don't appear to give two hoots about the effect of these sort of things on the children involved. And I find that very, very sad. If you take on Step-children, because you love their other parent too, surely, you want to do the best you can for them too? In this particular scenario it appears that OP is determined to 'get back at her DH' - and it's the children who will suffer?

As I say, if it were for the reasons that I posted about above, I could understand, but this sounds like revenge on the DH, pure and simple.

Many stepparents see their stepchildren as ‘not their responsibility’ because they aren’t. I’m surprised when birth parents, who actually are responsible for their children, just assume they can palm off responsibility for them onto someone that isn’t their parent, as if that person is obliged to just fall in line.

If a parent wants a partner that will take on that responsibility then it’s entirely up to them to make that very clear to anyone they’re saying, and to make sure they don’t end up in a relationship with someone that doesn’t share that opinion.

OP not taking responsibility for children she isn’t responsible for isn’t her ‘taking revenge’. She thought they were going on a family holiday, she never offered to provide childcare for him whilst he stayed home. He’s the one that pulled out of the holiday, and as a result of that his children will have to stay home with him. That’s on him.

JazbayGrapes · 12/06/2024 11:50

Many stepparents see their stepchildren as ‘not their responsibility’ because they aren’t.

It will be the same people who moan that SC are disrespectful and hostile.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/06/2024 11:55

I hope you have a lovely holiday with your child and your mum, @on103. I voted that you were not being unreasonable, on the basis of your OP, and I agree with you that it is your dh, NOT you, letting down his children.

InterIgnis · 12/06/2024 11:57

JazbayGrapes · 12/06/2024 11:50

Many stepparents see their stepchildren as ‘not their responsibility’ because they aren’t.

It will be the same people who moan that SC are disrespectful and hostile.

Since when did you have to be responsible for someone in order to have a friendly relationship with them?

Ereyraa · 12/06/2024 11:59

JazbayGrapes · 12/06/2024 11:50

Many stepparents see their stepchildren as ‘not their responsibility’ because they aren’t.

It will be the same people who moan that SC are disrespectful and hostile.

Some of them are like that in the first place, which is why stepparents don’t want to get over-involved without their parents. Taking a child away alone, who has been raised completely differently to how you parent, is difficult too. There can often be a complete lack of boundaries and rules for DSC, which of course, stepparents are not allowed to opine on, but they must apparently still just deal with, because that’s what they signed up for.

ZiriForGood · 12/06/2024 12:12

Silvers11 · 12/06/2024 11:26

There is a big difference between the type of holiday appropriate for a 4 year old and one for an 8 year old and a 10 year old and therefore would understand that if their Dad isn't going with them, then it isn't practical for the OP to take all three of them, even with her Mum along, because the Dad won't be there to take his Kids to do something different to the 4 year old sometimes.

Although, OP has already said she is asking her Mum to go with her and her own child and she could, if she wanted leave the 4 year old with her Mum and do something different with the older children herself. They do stay with OP and her DH 3 days a week. However, I can also understand her reluctance to do so, given that it was supposed to be a family holiday and will not be what she originally was expecting.

Her DH is a disgrace, completely get that too.

However, from the posts, both from the OP and some of the replies, I cannot understand why the DSC are seen as 'not my responsibility' and only the responsibility of the Birth Parent. So many people don't appear to give two hoots about the effect of these sort of things on the children involved. And I find that very, very sad. If you take on Step-children, because you love their other parent too, surely, you want to do the best you can for them too? In this particular scenario it appears that OP is determined to 'get back at her DH' - and it's the children who will suffer?

As I say, if it were for the reasons that I posted about above, I could understand, but this sounds like revenge on the DH, pure and simple.

Maybe, just maybe, the OP could use the time her mum would mind her 4 yo to relax and feel like having a holiday herself?

I suppose her mum wants to help the OP and enjoy the time with her, not help turning the OP into his childminder. Why should she?

Would it be really the best for the SC to keep enabling their father to behave as shit?

Runsyd · 12/06/2024 12:55

Blinds1 · 12/06/2024 11:17

This shit happens because of male entitlement that any vagina is available for childcare.
Before the Easter holidays my friend told me her brother mentioned his ex wife was going on holidays with her new partner and he had is 6 year old daughter for a week.
He never asked for anything, just mentioned it.
He had done this before last year and she told him not to assume she was available for childcare.
She promptly booked a week away with her 14 year old daughter visiting her in-laws.
The sunday NIGHT BEFORE the first day of the week, he TEXTS her about dropping his daughter over early.
She was already on the road.
He couldn't believe it.
He was very rude to her and they haven't spoken since.
He has tried to talk to her after a few weeks but she is more than happy with the status quo and has told him so.
Her mother tried to mumble something to her, but she shut her down so sharply, her mother hasn't uttered another word.

She isn't his childcare and has no interest in being used by him and his wife. The school holidays are coming up and she knows he will try again. But her daughter is nearly 15 and she has zero interest in the restrictions of minding a child who is 6. Her brother is a selfish arse and thinks his big important job tops her little life.
She said she won't be one bit surprised to hear that he has recruited some poor sap to use.

How, just HOW, have we ended up with men being so utterly, fucking entitled???

Happilyobtuse · 12/06/2024 13:08

I am confused, the step kids are 8 and 10, so don’t really need much care. They live with you 3 days a week and they are your child’s siblings. Why won’t you take them with you if your mum is also coming to help and you won’t be the only adult with 3 kids?! Why are you punishing the children bcoz the father is an idiot?! Don’t talk to him or punish him however you want but don’t be mean to the kids by leaving them out. That is totally not cool!

Isthisit2 · 12/06/2024 13:09

@on103 could your dh bring his own kids (the older two ) away himself ? That would be ok yes? Poor kids 😥
I have 3 and have brought kids that aren’t even related to me away. I honestly will never get this .
Yes , he’s totally wrong to be backing out and he should really rethink this job for the sake of his children and weigh it up tbh .
They are his biological children but I couldn’t imagine disappointing kids that age. Yes, it would be extra work but they might actually distract and play with your 4 year old . Either way hopefully they can get away with their mum or dad soon. They are already dealing with their mum and dad being separated at a young age and dad not living with them anymore.

Isthisit2 · 12/06/2024 13:12

@Happilyobtuse I’ve done this in outreach volunteer role (like fostering ) , of course it was loads of work but the idea of not doing it with dcs who are actually related to my kids . It’s awful tbh. There’s a similar thread on this on mn now . Hopefully dad and the two kids can organise another trip .

poolemoney · 12/06/2024 13:30

Marmalade1987 · 12/06/2024 09:27

basic human courtesy and rights aren’t dictating. Im basically saying to consider the children and be kind and you deem
that a power to/not impose, on children, wow

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Why can't you be kind to OP? Do you really think you're being kind expecting her to care for a 4yo, an 8yo and a 10yo on her own? Especially with the latter two not being her own kids and who will miss their actual mum and dad?

One thing I see consistently on MN is prod the surface of a #bekind poster and you find they aren't very kind at all.

AmyandPhilipfan · 12/06/2024 13:35

I would be pushing and pushing for him to stick to the original idea of all going in the family holiday.

If he really digs his heels in and refuses I would think very hard about the future of my marriage and would be having serious talks with him about it after the holiday.

But if it came to it, unless there are massive behaviour issues with the SC that I felt I couldn't cope with, I would take them on the holiday. Because they're children, and it's not their fault their dad is a bit shit.

When I was younger my older half siblings came to stay with us whether or not my dad was working and my mum always made them welcome (and always did all cooking etc for them whether or not he was there). Consequently, as adults their children, now adults themselves, always thought of her as grandma and she has always had a good relationship with all of them even after our dad died. I doubt they would have wanted to see her after that happened if she hadn't always welcomed them as children, but because she did our family as a whole has always felt very complete and not divided in any way.

RetroTotty · 12/06/2024 14:12

Some women see a man being a shit father to his existing DC but go on to breed with him, thinking he'll change once the new kid is here, and some shit dads become shit once a new woman is safely installed.

Happilyobtuse · 12/06/2024 14:25

Isthisit2 · 12/06/2024 13:12

@Happilyobtuse I’ve done this in outreach volunteer role (like fostering ) , of course it was loads of work but the idea of not doing it with dcs who are actually related to my kids . It’s awful tbh. There’s a similar thread on this on mn now . Hopefully dad and the two kids can organise another trip .

I am a step child, my step dad treats me as his own. My own dad is no more and passed away 20 years ago. I am horrified reading some of the answers on here. My mum has done everything for my step dads kids too as their mum is also no more. We treat each other as family. Why get with someone and have kids with them and then treat their already existing kids badly just to score points against your spouse. In such poor taste! I would never do that to any child. Totally heartbreaking!

AgileMentor · 12/06/2024 14:30

Fuck him off and ask the step kids mum to go and take all the kids away together (on the basis you actually get on)

nonumbersinthisname · 12/06/2024 14:34

Happilyobtuse · 12/06/2024 13:08

I am confused, the step kids are 8 and 10, so don’t really need much care. They live with you 3 days a week and they are your child’s siblings. Why won’t you take them with you if your mum is also coming to help and you won’t be the only adult with 3 kids?! Why are you punishing the children bcoz the father is an idiot?! Don’t talk to him or punish him however you want but don’t be mean to the kids by leaving them out. That is totally not cool!

Your username is appropriate isn’t it? In what world do 8 year olds not need much care?

For the umpteenth time in this thread - the SC think they are going on holiday with their Dad. That’s the important part, because it sounds like it will be a novel experience for them if he’s not done it before. It’s not a given that any 8 or 10 year old would be happy going away for presumably a week with their step mum and her mother and not either of their birth parents. Any child can get homesick, get a tummy bug, etc and be really miserable. Why should OP have to manage any of that responsibility without her “D”H?

Plus the image of blended families having A Lovely Time together falls apart the moment OP has to be firm with the SC, eg, no more ice cream, get in the bath, time for bed etc, and they are old enough to start with the “I don’t have to do what you say, you’re not my mother” routine. It’s a recipe for disaster.

FakeRockLamp · 12/06/2024 14:37

Happilyobtuse · 12/06/2024 13:08

I am confused, the step kids are 8 and 10, so don’t really need much care. They live with you 3 days a week and they are your child’s siblings. Why won’t you take them with you if your mum is also coming to help and you won’t be the only adult with 3 kids?! Why are you punishing the children bcoz the father is an idiot?! Don’t talk to him or punish him however you want but don’t be mean to the kids by leaving them out. That is totally not cool!

“They don’t really need much care” - honestly?! If you believe that is the case then I hope you are not a parent.

You can’t take your eyes off them around water, for a start, regardless of most swimming abilities at the age - because they are children and you need to make sure they are safe.

And so on… do you really think that 8 and 10 year olds parent themselves and head out for the day on holiday?!

Happilyobtuse · 12/06/2024 14:41

nonumbersinthisname · 12/06/2024 14:34

Your username is appropriate isn’t it? In what world do 8 year olds not need much care?

For the umpteenth time in this thread - the SC think they are going on holiday with their Dad. That’s the important part, because it sounds like it will be a novel experience for them if he’s not done it before. It’s not a given that any 8 or 10 year old would be happy going away for presumably a week with their step mum and her mother and not either of their birth parents. Any child can get homesick, get a tummy bug, etc and be really miserable. Why should OP have to manage any of that responsibility without her “D”H?

Plus the image of blended families having A Lovely Time together falls apart the moment OP has to be firm with the SC, eg, no more ice cream, get in the bath, time for bed etc, and they are old enough to start with the “I don’t have to do what you say, you’re not my mother” routine. It’s a recipe for disaster.

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I have an 8 year old and a 3 year old! So I speak from experience! I am not saying you don’t need to watch them at all but we just returned from a week’s holiday in an all inclusive and honestly it was a breeze! So much for the kids to do! Also OP parents these kids 3 days a week so I am sure she can handle them. Ofcourse if the bio parents don’t want them to travel with her or the kids themselves don’t want to go that is fine. But taking away a promised holiday from children to score points against your spouse is cheap. I have taken my nieces on holiday with me and had no issue in getting them to listen. They were so grateful and happy to go away while their parents were working that they were as good as gold!

Happilyobtuse · 12/06/2024 14:47

FakeRockLamp · 12/06/2024 14:37

“They don’t really need much care” - honestly?! If you believe that is the case then I hope you are not a parent.

You can’t take your eyes off them around water, for a start, regardless of most swimming abilities at the age - because they are children and you need to make sure they are safe.

And so on… do you really think that 8 and 10 year olds parent themselves and head out for the day on holiday?!

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Don’t be ridiculous! I have an 8 year old who can swim perfectly well. I also have a 3 year old, who is still learning. I am always in the water if either of them are in the water, keeping a keen eye on them. But I would not deny a step child a holiday because I have to keep an eye on them. I would anyway be doing it for my own children. Don’t any of you help family and take your niece's/nephews out for the day or a holiday?! For us family is important, we help out and others help us too!

HiddenBooks · 12/06/2024 14:55

Silvers11 · 12/06/2024 11:26

There is a big difference between the type of holiday appropriate for a 4 year old and one for an 8 year old and a 10 year old and therefore would understand that if their Dad isn't going with them, then it isn't practical for the OP to take all three of them, even with her Mum along, because the Dad won't be there to take his Kids to do something different to the 4 year old sometimes.

Although, OP has already said she is asking her Mum to go with her and her own child and she could, if she wanted leave the 4 year old with her Mum and do something different with the older children herself. They do stay with OP and her DH 3 days a week. However, I can also understand her reluctance to do so, given that it was supposed to be a family holiday and will not be what she originally was expecting.

Her DH is a disgrace, completely get that too.

However, from the posts, both from the OP and some of the replies, I cannot understand why the DSC are seen as 'not my responsibility' and only the responsibility of the Birth Parent. So many people don't appear to give two hoots about the effect of these sort of things on the children involved. And I find that very, very sad. If you take on Step-children, because you love their other parent too, surely, you want to do the best you can for them too? In this particular scenario it appears that OP is determined to 'get back at her DH' - and it's the children who will suffer?

As I say, if it were for the reasons that I posted about above, I could understand, but this sounds like revenge on the DH, pure and simple.

Never in a million years would I leave my own child at home to go on holiday with two children that aren't actually related to me!

This isn't about OP getting revenge on her husband. It's about her drawing a line under his nonsense assumption that she'll just pick up his slack all the time.

He's a CF for just assuming she (and his ex) would be happy with her taking 3 small (I know 10's not small, but it's not "leave them to their own devices" age) children on her own.

I'm not sure if it's a home or abroad holiday, but there's no way I'd want to take 3 children on a plane on my own.

I know OP has said her mum might be available, but you can guarantee that the husband hasn't considered that. He's just assumed she'll deal with it on her own.

Sorry OP - he's an idiot.

Codlingmoths · 12/06/2024 14:58

Happilyobtuse · 12/06/2024 14:47

Don’t be ridiculous! I have an 8 year old who can swim perfectly well. I also have a 3 year old, who is still learning. I am always in the water if either of them are in the water, keeping a keen eye on them. But I would not deny a step child a holiday because I have to keep an eye on them. I would anyway be doing it for my own children. Don’t any of you help family and take your niece's/nephews out for the day or a holiday?! For us family is important, we help out and others help us too!

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Who’s we who help out? Do dads get a free pass from any parenting and it’s totally understood they do whatever the fuck they want and other unrelated adults will of course parent their child because ‘we help out’? If so more fool you.

InterIgnis · 12/06/2024 15:00

Happilyobtuse · 12/06/2024 14:41

I have an 8 year old and a 3 year old! So I speak from experience! I am not saying you don’t need to watch them at all but we just returned from a week’s holiday in an all inclusive and honestly it was a breeze! So much for the kids to do! Also OP parents these kids 3 days a week so I am sure she can handle them. Ofcourse if the bio parents don’t want them to travel with her or the kids themselves don’t want to go that is fine. But taking away a promised holiday from children to score points against your spouse is cheap. I have taken my nieces on holiday with me and had no issue in getting them to listen. They were so grateful and happy to go away while their parents were working that they were as good as gold!

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She doesn’t want to take her stepchildren on holiday with her if her husband isn’t going. She never promised to, or anticipated that she would be expected to.

That her husband decided to pull out of the holiday means he pulled his children out too. If they’re upset then that’s on him. She isn’t more responsible for them than their actual parent is.

That you would do it and have a good time is irrelevant. She isn’t you.

InterIgnis · 12/06/2024 15:01

Happilyobtuse · 12/06/2024 14:47

Don’t be ridiculous! I have an 8 year old who can swim perfectly well. I also have a 3 year old, who is still learning. I am always in the water if either of them are in the water, keeping a keen eye on them. But I would not deny a step child a holiday because I have to keep an eye on them. I would anyway be doing it for my own children. Don’t any of you help family and take your niece's/nephews out for the day or a holiday?! For us family is important, we help out and others help us too!

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I don’t do childcare full stop. For anyone.

HiddenBooks · 12/06/2024 15:03

And I agree with the PP who said you should be present when he tells the kids THEY'RE not able to go on the holiday so they'll have to stay with (their Mum, who??) instead.

He's definitely the type of person to say "OP has said she won't take you" and make you the evil stepmother.

Have an appropriate response ready

"I'm sorry Daddy's got to work. I was looking forward to us all having a lovely holiday, but Daddy's got work that he can't avoid. We'll definitely book in it again when Daddy's going to be free, won't we Daddy. Now. Who wants ice cream?"

Codlingmoths · 12/06/2024 15:10

HiddenBooks · 12/06/2024 15:03

And I agree with the PP who said you should be present when he tells the kids THEY'RE not able to go on the holiday so they'll have to stay with (their Mum, who??) instead.

He's definitely the type of person to say "OP has said she won't take you" and make you the evil stepmother.

Have an appropriate response ready

"I'm sorry Daddy's got to work. I was looking forward to us all having a lovely holiday, but Daddy's got work that he can't avoid. We'll definitely book in it again when Daddy's going to be free, won't we Daddy. Now. Who wants ice cream?"

Nooooo - go for daddy will take the two of you away on a special trip very soon to make it up to you.